Posts Tagged ‘surreal life’

I don’t want my whole blog to become about pregnancy. it wasn’t ever all about my loss so it shouldn’t be all about my pregnancy. Unfortunately the jobless boring life I’m leading right now doesn’t leave too much room for obsessing about much else.

I don’t want to upset anyone, insult anyone, bore anyone.

I’m still waiting. waiting for the other shoe to drop. waiting for the blood. waiting for the bad news. waiting everyday for another week. I’m at 9. I made 9 weeks. I have an appointment on saturday and all I keep thinking is that I will go in with walker and they will find no heartbeat. rational and irrational at the same time. I haven’t told him any of this at all. I get happy and excited for 5 mins, I think more for him, and then for the next hour I worry and plan and think the worst. it’s terrible. it really is. I still only have a very SMALL handful of people who know and I haven’t investing too much, didn’t buy anything, we don’t talk names, we brought up how we’d fit a crib only for me to say we’ll deal with it later. I’m afraid to invest more than a day at a time…all the while praying that every week passes faster. mental hell.

Anders has 4 1/2 weeks of school left. Then he will be a 2nd grader. OMG a 2nd grader? prying him off of me so they could take him into Kindergarten was 2 years ago? it was? he can read like a champ? he plays baseball fairly well? and he doesn’t need as much help with as many things? OMG my baby isn’t a baby anymore at all in any way.

This whole situation feels fake, surreal, like an alternate universe. a dream? maybe I’m dreaming? none of this is even real? Will I really have an 8 year old and a newborn in December? is that really happening?

oh and come to find out Walker the vitamin fanatic has had B6 the whole time I have been feeling like crap ha ha. nice right? I was like damn i could have stolen your vitamins?? so now I do.