Posts Tagged ‘sad’

happy birthday baby

Posted: 11/07/2008 in life
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He’s 8. today he’s 8. and I’m sad about it.

first time he didn't cry on santas lap

first time he didn't cry

 

a boy and his dog

a boy and his dog

cliche as it is, it really does fly by. don’t blink.

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dig down deeper….

Posted: 08/01/2008 in depression, loss, struggle
Tags: , ,

where do I start?

I have been increasingly distraught, depressed, angry, easy to feel hurt and abandoned. I couldn’t figure it out at first. Though being pregnant and an unmedicated bipolar one shouldn’t even give a thought as to why right?

All this back to school and craziness getting ready to start in September seems to make it twice as bad. Not because of money, which is increasingly an issue, but because 2 days after I lost my baby last year I had to muster up enough strength and care to get my living child off to 1st grade. Because everyone here is discussing what their plans for labor day are. Mine are very simple I’m going to try not to stay in bed and feel miserable and I’m going to try not to worry about this baby leaving. Its unlikely that anything will happen to this one besides being born in December, but it sticks in ones mind.

Anders was on vacation with his father this week and will be this weekend, Walker has been working and yay for me played softball 3 times this week, translation? Christyna was alone A LOT, upset A LOT, feeling ABANDONED A LOT, sad, crying, angry A LOT. I wake up alone when A isn’t here, and this week I went to bed alone 3 times. Cried myself to sleep all 3 nights. I feel like Walker can’t tell anyone no, unless its me, he can do that without even saying it. Sure I’ll play softball for you even tho I didn’t play with you all season, and its a double header? no problem (I hear NO being said to me, no I can’t be home with you. No I don’t realize how alone you are and have been, no I don’t realize that this is really getting to you and hurting us). Only I’ve recently told him how I feel and what its been doing to me. and he said well lets do something Friday(tonight). I’m so angry and upset and pissed I don’t even want to be here when he gets home but I’ve isolated all my friends when my bipolar acted up in the beginning of the year and its never been the same so I have no where to go. I don’t want him to feel like he can abandon me when I clearly needed him and make it all up in a matter of a few hours on one night when he happens to have time, and what really really hurts, he’s gone all day Saturday playing softball too! But our friend Kevin will be around so he said at least you’ll have him to keep you company. Oh ok so long as you don’t have to feel guilty right?

I’m so tired of feeling useless, and helpless, and angry, alone, pissed, upset, abandoned. I don’t know how to make it stop. Its not all the time, in fact its usually rare that I feel like this more than an hour or two at a time, until this week. I feel like a shell of myself, empty, pathetic. I just want it to stop. it needs to stop. make it stop.

quick update

Posted: 03/10/2008 in life
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My Aunt has taken a turn for the worst and they’re saying she has days. 2-3 weeks ago they were saying May or June. My sister and I are flying down to Florida first thing tomorrow morning to be with her and my parents and the rest of our family. She has accepted that this is happening, she’s just waiting on us, everyone else is there already. This is going to hit my father harder than almost anyone else because they are as close as a mother and son and sister and brother can be. They buried their parents and their other two brothers together, he’s the last one left standing, and I’m telling her that he won’t be coming for a long long time. His side of the family doesn’t live past 64, no one has. Cancer or Heart attacks, mainly cancer. My Aunt is only 59 years old. This is so devastating because she was like my grandmother because I didn’t get to know her at all, she passed away when I was about a year old. So with a heavy heart I will fly down and say goodbye…to another family member that this awful disease has stolen from me. Cancer, I hate you.

i think my gears are twisted

Posted: 11/08/2007 in life
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I used to be like clockwork. 29 days from age 13 until this Sept.  all in all not so bad I got my period 36 days after i misscarried. Dr. said everything looked good and I should go right back to my cycle and conceive no problem. I’m 3 days late. which for women who were clockwork give or take a few days is fine. I never did. without fail 29 days…almost to the hour. I’m stupid too, negative hpt yesterday. I couldn’t wait. I should have.  Could be one of 3 things. 1. not enough hormones for a positive. 2. my cycle is a few days off, most likely. 3. my cycle will forever be off..(twisted gears clock is not working).not so good. I’m not stressing per se but I am indeed sad and cranky today…

why do we put ourselves through this? why can’t Anders be enough?