Posts Tagged ‘glowing?’

and feel free to smack me if you think I am but…

my skin is GROSS, again, no surprise it was bad with Anders. Its getting warmer which means i will get oilier ewww. Glowing? no no honey its more like greasy and shining. But I suppose they put the glowing spin on it from an outside perspective. ha ha just the perks of pregnancy I suppose. I did it once I can do it again, my poor sore sensitive skin….

I’m good really. I still worry and obsess. Even tho all seems normal and safe I can’t help but get closer to an appointment and wonder if it will have a heartbeat. It’s like human nature now. I can smile and say when the baby gets her… but a week before an ultrasound I’m convinced there’s no heartbeat. I miss naive, stupid me. All is fine and you never need to worry or stress cause you don’t live in that world. But unfortunately now I do.

Loss changes you forever. not temporarily, forever. It makes me even more grateful for every good appointment and for Anders of course.  I loved him so much as it was and more everyday but when I lost the baby I found new depths of love for that little boy, and more dreams and hopes, and just such a sense of relief that he is here and I know him and love him and that life is so fragile and short sometimes. For being able to see that and feel that and know that I am grateful but I wish i never had to lose a baby to get it. It makes this pregnancy that much more wonderful and stressful and scary and hopeful. it’s like living on a see-saw up up up middle down down middle up up up, which I guess is normal pregnancy to begin with but those of you who know what I’m talking about know that its so different and difficult. Its hard to think you’re hurting anyone who’s lost or making their heart ache. It’s nice to think you give someone hope and something to look forward to. But the people who haven’t lost or don’t acknowledge your loss anymore just think its business as usual and thats that. Its not. It’s hard, its scary, its sad. because I can’t be 100% happy and hopeful and I want to be but it isn’t realistic and it isn’t smart. I love this baby already, and I want this baby to come home and chances are it will, but I can’t commit to being 100% postive about the whole thing. I just can’t. in real life I can fake it with people. I am just so damn glad I don’t have to on here.

 I just passed 11 weeks. 11 weeks. I have a detailed ultrasound for testing on June 6th at 12 weeks 3 days. I will see a baby, that looks like a baby. i will hear its heartbeat for the first time, I will be SO attached and SO worried after that. I just keep saying with every week that passes you’re one week safer and one week closer to holding you son’s sibling. thats all I can do.

 

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