Posts Tagged ‘down’

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This is me in June 2007 happy, blissful, naive, before my downward spiral. I never had long hair except maybe one other time in my life. I can remember my ex-husband tearing into me one day and saying “don’t you realize that you cut and dye you hair when you’re not happy, especially with yourself?”. I responded with~ I’m an artist, I like cosmetology (went to school for it for a while) I like change especially where hair is concerned, it’s just hair it grows back and it has nothing to do with me not being happy or not liking myself. Well I it took me nearly 2 years to grow that hair out and within 3 days of my m/c up to now, I have systematically chopped it all off. and inch or 3 at a time. Other than August up to now, I have been ridiculously happy and chipper and managed pretty damn well to handle everything thrown at me in stride, a nasty divorce, my nastier ex in laws, my parents moving to Florida, severing ties with my hurtful sister. Happy, long healthy hair, ok skin, great eating habits and exercise.

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This is me this month, in the early days of this month. My skin has been terrible, my eating habits suck, I’ve been down, self critical, self loathing and very very moody, I’ve gained almost 10 lbs since September. and since September I have cut 8 to 10 inches of my hair off. He was right. I cut and dye my hair obsessively when I’m not happy with myself. Or when I’m in a depressive phase, on a whim maybe even the little bit manic for a day I just decide don’t tell anyone and CHOP IT ALL OFF….which is fine I can totally pull off short hair BUT i hate it. I do, it was great and easy for like 2 weeks and now I want my hair back…maybe I just want my happy back? same difference I think.

I have an appointment to go back on my meds on the 21st. the earliest they can fit a crazy bipolar who’s having a bad time in?? stupid people. and I have a therapist appointment on the 23rd. No more ttc could be 6 months, a year, forever, I’m not sure yet. I have to call my dermatologist as well because at the wonderful age of 30 my skin decides I had it too easy at 17 and got no pimples so I am paying for it now. it is SO bad, it’s painful and it’s abundant and it makes me feel horrible everyday. I started changing my diet already and throwing in some sit ups and things at home. I want to run but it is so shitty outside that I can’t…I can drop that 10lbs in 2 months but I have to run. I just keep telling myself, by the time you can run, spring will be here and your meds will have kicked in and life will be at the very least 50% better than it is now which is the only thing that keeps me from feeling worse and keeps me functioning. Winter is always worse for me than any other season with getting down, but I’ve always managed to keep above water before this year.

I’m down a lot, the sex drive is non existent, I’m snappy and weepy and probably such a pill to live with and I feel so bad for Anders & Walker for putting up with me. (enter irrational self loathing for being shitty to them brought on by bipolar). It’s a never ending cycle…for now…it will come to a screeching halt by March, the pills will see to that.

and..yes and…there’s more. My Aunt has lung cancer. through out both her lungs, tiny masses, and in one of them a mass the size of an orange. this is my father’s last sibling and together they buried 2 brothers and both their parents. this is devastating. she lives in Florida near my parents (one of the reasons they moved there was to be with her more often). I’m in NJ. this is devastating.

Thank you Mon, Basil, Julia, Rachel, Becky & silent lurkers for caring, reading, checking on me, posting, lurking it helps, it means a lot and it lets me know I’m not alone.

My tattoo guy (who’s a friend and fellow artist) is coming by on Saturday. I love self inflicted pain that ends in art, there is something so therapeutic about getting a tattoo. here’s the start of my 1/4 sleeve …I’ll post another after he’s done (it’s going to have vibrant cherry blossoms and some shaded Japanese clouds among the stars). I’m crazy I know. I have like 11 tattoos I love them. my skin is a canvas and on it I paint my life, each one comes with memories of a time or have a meaning because of something I’ve gone through…each one comes with letting go and healing. so Saturday will be the start of my journey in healing the broken parts of me that I felt I could ignore lately…

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i hate bipolar

Posted: 01/17/2008 in life
Tags: , , , ,

this is a babble really but it must be written, even if it only sits in drafts and never gets posted.

I feel alone. I feel like my friends don’t understand, but it’s mainly because I don’t share with them the hell I have been living in since September. When I do bring something up I either get an overly optimistic pep talk or it kinda gets brushed aside. I start to tell Walker and he gets so upset he nearly cries and then he says he’s been upset and he blames himself for almost everything. So I stop sharing because I don’t want him to feel bad and blame himself for anything. and then I’m there again. alone. in my head with these thoughts. feeling alone, misunderstood, empty, angry, sad, stressed & broken. it’s a horrible feeling. like a bottomless pit. I’ve been in pits before, I’ve worked long and hard to pull myself out. Sometimes nearly giving up but fighting on. I finally have my life where I need and want it for the most part. but still here I am in the pit alone. again. I go to sleep thinking what if my body stays uncooperative? What if we never get the timing right? What if we do? will I be a basket case until I reach 12 weeks? I never worried with Anders beyond the Dr telling me a few times that the drinking I did within the first 2 weeks of his life were fine and won’t affect him. I never worried about loss never, it was so easy because I never had lost. Now I border between being obsessed with getting pregnant and wanting it so badly to wondering how bad it will be the first few weeks and how much worse I’ll get if I suffer another loss. I feel like I’m crazy sometimes. crazy and alone is definitely not a good mix for a bipolar, especially one who’s been off her meds for almost 3 years. BUT if I take them again I can not get pregnant in fact I have to go on birth control. catch 22? double edged sword? there is only one thing that will make all of this go away. and it seems to be that thing just out of my reach right now. lucky me.

this just in: (about 7 hours after I started the top part)

I’m thinking about going back on my crazy pills. (lamictal, the only thing that worked for me in the past)
after really talking to a couple people here I realized I’m still a mental basket case since Sept and it isn’t getting better. I’m just pushing it down and trying to band aid it by obsessing about getting pregnant again. meanwhile I’m ruining and damaging relationships a little with people I do have and I do love and I can hold all in pursuit of this imaginary baby that may or may never even exist for me.

so I’m calling my Dr. gonna have a few sessions, wait to see if I am pregnant (wouldn’t it be my luck as I decide to help myself out of this hole) if I’m not, back on the meds I’ll go for like 6 months to a year maybe longer.

some days I think I’m ok and I lie to myself and every one else and say I am. some days, like today nothing feels right or happy or not forced. I can’t make anyone else happy or take care of anyone else if I’m miserable and not taking care of myself…

I have to be weaned onto it 5mg at a time and it won’t work all it’s magic until it’s been in my system for at least 4 to 6 weeks, I forget if I was on 25mg or 50mg now. It’s been 2 or 3 years. I can not conceive while on it, and have to be off it for a few months before I try so it isn’t in my system anymore…so unless I’m pregnant right now I won’t be for quite some time. and if I feel better, happier, less crazy,less sad and down will I even want one anymore? only time will tell.

I hate bipolar.