Archive for the ‘love’ Category

Due to all the Patrick  posts on FB etc and the horror stories regarding abused animals that have been in the front of my mind we adopted a rescue dog.

At first I wanted an adult, lets face it no one wants a “grown dog” the same way most people don’t want to adopt a grown child, sad but true. Unfortunately having a 2 year old and a 6 year old male dog already I had to get a puppy BUT she was a rescue. She was abandoned with her mother and sister on the side of the road in a box. The same foster “mom” had them for 3 weeks. Her sister was adopted on Thursday (4/7) and we adopted her on Saturday (4/9).

She is 10 weeks old and the sweetest most well behaved thing I ever met. only 1 accident in the house in all these days. There is definitely a soft spot in my heart where rescues are concerned and I get SO upset when people buy a dog at a pet store. Because essentially you are paying professional animal abusers to…keep abusing. Meanwhile there are thousands upon thousands of homeless pets out there.

Here she is Sweet Savannah

(Goes nicely with Hurricane Memphis don’tcha think??)

so It’s May already. How in the hell did that happen?

Probably because I have been measuring my life in days and weeks alone. It’s easier to get through that way. This so far has been a good week.

I updated you on the kids, and sorta on Walker & I together. But here’s what’s going on with little ole’ me, you know the blog writer…or lacking writer whatevs.

Jewelry business is steady, its actually a little busier than I wanted but don’t look a gift horse in the mouth esp when he’s handing you money 🙂

I have been singing in my Sister & her Husband’s Church Choir. Just specialty masses, Easter, May Crowning…next is Christmas. It’s been good to get back into singing. I miss it, I love it I need it. There is also  larger choir that does Requiem’s and Opera’s and such twice a year. It’s a lot of work and commitment so I haven’t volunteered yet but I will eventually. Singing is like my painting but it’s a much quicker forceful gratification and release of emotion. A painting is layers and layers that has to dry and be retouched.

Our basement flooded 2 months ago and I lost A LOT of art 😦  it happens. It was old art a lot from High School so it meant more to me than other stuff BUT it was in no way better art than my recent stuff. I have several projects in mind and have been itching to start some BUT with the flood, the basement is a MESS and we’re moving June 1st…so I wait and itch and crave…

I know it’s just an apartment but i feel like it’s a new chapter, a blank page, a fresh canvas and it will be better, get better from here. I am willing it to and working at it.

I had a good morning, my boys decided to love each other up over cereal and I got pics 🙂 enjoy:

Anders: A & B student in his first year with real grades. he doesn’t even try and rarely studies, so I know he’ll be like me and have to study little to do well down the line. He’s getting that attitude, you know they I almost know everything and still have no idea when to quit when I’m ahead in the jokester dept. He’s pretty good, started his last year of baseball (says he doesn’t want to do little league, we’ll see). We decided we will get him a cell phone tho it will not be a social one. it will be for emergency and safety purposes only. The park is a block from our house as are his two best friends…I have to be ok with giving him a longer leash even tho it scares me to death. If I don’t let him make little mistakes now he’ll make HUGE ones later. So I will try, he understands if he screws up he loses the phone and the freedom.

Chase: Runs, Plays, Dances, Sings acts like a rejected monkey on crack (or just a baby on pop tarts) He’s always filthy, bleeding, drooling, coloring on walls, playing in things he shouldn’t and having the time of his life. he’s tall for his age. He doesn’t speak much AT ALL anymore (when he hits 18 months I’m calling early intervention to have him checked out if he isn’t speaking) He’s super smart, has a great memory and makes us all crack up laughing.  He sleeps pretty much through the night (ie: he wakes, fusses himself back to sleep 1 to 4 times a night) he’s still in our room so i am on the couch cause even tho he doesn’t GET up I wake up regardless.

We are moving to a 3 bedroom in June. HOORAY!!! He will be in his own room, unless he actually gets up and wakes up I will sleep in my bed all night. THIS IS HUGE!!!

Walker & I:  roller coaster of love & hate. slightly exaggerated (or not) I try to be calm, I try to take deep breaths, I try to remain positive and then he stresses out and acts like a douche. When I feel a mood or episode I WARN everyone in the house to back off, don’t start with me or lash out at me. What does Mr Genius do at these times?? you guessed it, acts like a douche. Now its not 24/7 but it’s been rough. real rough. We both thought about ending it. I guess as a last resort stressed out upset irrational thought it’s normal. But unlike my ex husband I love Walker, I still am in love with him and I want things to go back to fun and happier times.  I’m hoping the move helps with that as well cause add together crappy sleeping baby + crappy sleeping mommy+ baby in our room + me on the couch = less than stellar sex life…way less. sometimes I yell at him that if something doesn’t give I’ll get it elsewhere. sometimes I’m only half joking (i guess when I’m most manic). So 2 kids, that big of an age gap and 2 bedrooms** note to self NEVER do it!! it’s less than livable conditions…it’s awful!!!

I started a side business. home sales. jewelry. nothing crazy, maybe 2 shows a month. gets me out of the house, makes me a little extra cash and so far so good. my sponsor is super gung ho, I am super laid back, I could care less about doing shows all the time. I like my life just don’t mind a few hours away and extra $.

oh I have to leave a reminder here to write a post about my retarded sister and her even more retarded husband…good stuff!

grateful

Posted: 02/26/2010 in bipolar, life, love, struggle

i need to learn to take a deep breath and be grateful for what life HAS given me that is good and stop bitching and dwelling on when it hands me crap. Really crap? I have nothing better to do with my time than be miserable? I have 2 healthy beautiful boys and a Man who despite my terrible mental disposition and cynical outlook loves me anyway. (WHO WANTS TO SMACK ME FIRST??)

here are my beautiful wonderful boys:

Chase & Anders Feb 2010

for real?

Posted: 10/15/2009 in bipolar, depression, guilt, healing, life, loss, love, struggle

I’m a witch, snarky, mean, short fused, pissy witch (My poor family).

I feel so alone and mean and misunderstood. I’m still dealing with so much internally and quite a few things “externally”. I actually can admit I don’t like myself. I don’t like anyone. I love my kids, I love Walker. I dislike me, how I feel and they way I have been acting.

I have an overwhelming feeling of dread, worry, being trapped. I feel like I have mini panic attacks that I talk myself down from a couple times a month. It’s 10 times worse during PMS and Aunt Flo.

Though, I still feel so much better than I did with the bipolar and post partum at its worst. I haven’t had a dangerous, irrational or harmful thought in quite some time. I mean I wish I could get in my car sometimes and run away and change my name, but I think we all do at some point, it’s an escape in our own minds.

I miss drinking copious amount of alcohol and being retarded with my friends on occasion. The hangover w/a baby isn’t even worth it anymore. I miss my friends. Why? They ditched me over something really stupid last year the day after my birthday. 4 months before Chase was due and said “good luck with the baby”, but never said they were “done” though I knew you don’t say that if you’ll be around 4 months down the road. I stood by one of them when their marriage fell apart cause she got “mind fucked” by her affair guy who was also a seriously shitty cop. He had several girls, pitted them against each other played with their heads and he’s married. He was a prize. Helped her get rid of him and work it out with her husband who she belonged with and became happy with him again, then her mom’s brain cancer came back and I held her and her family up while she systematically shut down and died over the course of 8 months. During which they were terrible to me (I didn’t hold it against them, my mom isn’t sick I can’t comprehend and didn’t take offense). One of their daughters is a bad seed; she stole from me and lied. Though it was a dumb thing to steal and meant nothing it was the principal, steal and lie…not ok.…they didn’t get it and basically left me.

I find it very hard to trust people now, especially women. My sex life sucks, mostly cause I hate my body, I hate my skin and I can’t even stand to think about being naked or touched most of the time. Not that we have time, or privacy most days and nights. Once or twice a month is not nearly ok. I think I want it, I plan on it earlier in the day and then I purposely lay down and pass out on the couch cause I just can’t do it.

I love Chase, but some days I still do not like him very much. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m mean to Walker. I fly off  the handle SO easy. I do it in front of Anders now, I don’t care. That’s so bad. I try to go outside and calm myself, and yeah sometimes it works. Better than never I suppose.

I think I miss me. I haven’t been me or felt like me in forever, since before I lost the baby, that’s been a long time. It changes you…and I don’t know how to be this person and be happy.

I feel stuck. A lot, I feel stuck. With no one to commiserate or understand or just listen anymore. No one but you.

10 months

Posted: 10/15/2009 in burst my heart, life, love

I can’t believe in 2 months Chase will be 1. it flew by.

eating grilled cheese with Daddy on Football Sunday:

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he sits! he nearly sleeps and he HATES tummy time more than I hate my closet. so no rolling over (twice for nana but so far nothing for Mommy and Daddy).

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Anders is 11 days from being done with 2nd grade, playing baseball like a semi pro and part of an undefeated minor league team for our town…little league next year!

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