Archive for the ‘loss’ Category

My friend Cara just lost her little one at 12 weeks.  I have no words to explain how devastated I am, She is. I also had little advise besides you will get thru it at your own pace. It never goes away it just gets easier some days to live thru it. Please think of her right now.

for real?

Posted: 10/15/2009 in bipolar, depression, guilt, healing, life, loss, love, struggle

I’m a witch, snarky, mean, short fused, pissy witch (My poor family).

I feel so alone and mean and misunderstood. I’m still dealing with so much internally and quite a few things “externally”. I actually can admit I don’t like myself. I don’t like anyone. I love my kids, I love Walker. I dislike me, how I feel and they way I have been acting.

I have an overwhelming feeling of dread, worry, being trapped. I feel like I have mini panic attacks that I talk myself down from a couple times a month. It’s 10 times worse during PMS and Aunt Flo.

Though, I still feel so much better than I did with the bipolar and post partum at its worst. I haven’t had a dangerous, irrational or harmful thought in quite some time. I mean I wish I could get in my car sometimes and run away and change my name, but I think we all do at some point, it’s an escape in our own minds.

I miss drinking copious amount of alcohol and being retarded with my friends on occasion. The hangover w/a baby isn’t even worth it anymore. I miss my friends. Why? They ditched me over something really stupid last year the day after my birthday. 4 months before Chase was due and said “good luck with the baby”, but never said they were “done” though I knew you don’t say that if you’ll be around 4 months down the road. I stood by one of them when their marriage fell apart cause she got “mind fucked” by her affair guy who was also a seriously shitty cop. He had several girls, pitted them against each other played with their heads and he’s married. He was a prize. Helped her get rid of him and work it out with her husband who she belonged with and became happy with him again, then her mom’s brain cancer came back and I held her and her family up while she systematically shut down and died over the course of 8 months. During which they were terrible to me (I didn’t hold it against them, my mom isn’t sick I can’t comprehend and didn’t take offense). One of their daughters is a bad seed; she stole from me and lied. Though it was a dumb thing to steal and meant nothing it was the principal, steal and lie…not ok.…they didn’t get it and basically left me.

I find it very hard to trust people now, especially women. My sex life sucks, mostly cause I hate my body, I hate my skin and I can’t even stand to think about being naked or touched most of the time. Not that we have time, or privacy most days and nights. Once or twice a month is not nearly ok. I think I want it, I plan on it earlier in the day and then I purposely lay down and pass out on the couch cause I just can’t do it.

I love Chase, but some days I still do not like him very much. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m mean to Walker. I fly off  the handle SO easy. I do it in front of Anders now, I don’t care. That’s so bad. I try to go outside and calm myself, and yeah sometimes it works. Better than never I suppose.

I think I miss me. I haven’t been me or felt like me in forever, since before I lost the baby, that’s been a long time. It changes you…and I don’t know how to be this person and be happy.

I feel stuck. A lot, I feel stuck. With no one to commiserate or understand or just listen anymore. No one but you.

let’s just say after anders I had to go onto medication and have therapy. my marriage fell apart as a result of several factors my bipolar and the first few choices of meds to be included.

I had my meds doubled this week and made an appt with a therapist. I’ve been bad. post partum is bad, w/bipolar it is worse. I’ve had thoughts I don’t care to delve into right now.

I’m unhappy with myself, I’m SO tired & there are a lot of days I can’t do this, that I don’t want to do this. Chase is 8 months old and still does not sleep. I found out I was pregnant this weekend 2 years ago and I was not pregnant by that same labor day. This year has hit me worse than last year already.

I’ve been unbearable to say the least. my poor family. It makes me feel even worse that this has affected them.

I’m not in a good place but at least I know I reached out for help and will feel better sooner rather than later. I hope so.

i still miss you

Posted: 08/31/2008 in healing, loss, miscarriage

even tho its been a year, and your little brother kicks me all day everyday where you lived for such a short time, I haven’t forgotten that you were there first. Neither has your Daddy. We love you.

dig down deeper….

Posted: 08/01/2008 in depression, loss, struggle
Tags: , ,

where do I start?

I have been increasingly distraught, depressed, angry, easy to feel hurt and abandoned. I couldn’t figure it out at first. Though being pregnant and an unmedicated bipolar one shouldn’t even give a thought as to why right?

All this back to school and craziness getting ready to start in September seems to make it twice as bad. Not because of money, which is increasingly an issue, but because 2 days after I lost my baby last year I had to muster up enough strength and care to get my living child off to 1st grade. Because everyone here is discussing what their plans for labor day are. Mine are very simple I’m going to try not to stay in bed and feel miserable and I’m going to try not to worry about this baby leaving. Its unlikely that anything will happen to this one besides being born in December, but it sticks in ones mind.

Anders was on vacation with his father this week and will be this weekend, Walker has been working and yay for me played softball 3 times this week, translation? Christyna was alone A LOT, upset A LOT, feeling ABANDONED A LOT, sad, crying, angry A LOT. I wake up alone when A isn’t here, and this week I went to bed alone 3 times. Cried myself to sleep all 3 nights. I feel like Walker can’t tell anyone no, unless its me, he can do that without even saying it. Sure I’ll play softball for you even tho I didn’t play with you all season, and its a double header? no problem (I hear NO being said to me, no I can’t be home with you. No I don’t realize how alone you are and have been, no I don’t realize that this is really getting to you and hurting us). Only I’ve recently told him how I feel and what its been doing to me. and he said well lets do something Friday(tonight). I’m so angry and upset and pissed I don’t even want to be here when he gets home but I’ve isolated all my friends when my bipolar acted up in the beginning of the year and its never been the same so I have no where to go. I don’t want him to feel like he can abandon me when I clearly needed him and make it all up in a matter of a few hours on one night when he happens to have time, and what really really hurts, he’s gone all day Saturday playing softball too! But our friend Kevin will be around so he said at least you’ll have him to keep you company. Oh ok so long as you don’t have to feel guilty right?

I’m so tired of feeling useless, and helpless, and angry, alone, pissed, upset, abandoned. I don’t know how to make it stop. Its not all the time, in fact its usually rare that I feel like this more than an hour or two at a time, until this week. I feel like a shell of myself, empty, pathetic. I just want it to stop. it needs to stop. make it stop.

may angels lead you in

Posted: 03/19/2008 in healing, life, loss
Tags: , , ,

We got home at 10 am yesterday morning. I got the phone call at 9 pm last night, she left us at 8pm. My Aunt Donna is with the rest of my family now and she is no longer suffering. I hate this disease. I did get to spend time with her which I am greatful for but the condition in which I saw her in deteriorated fast and it scars the mind and heart immensely to watch it happen, especially when it’s the 3rd time doing it in the last 5 years. I have a very heavy heart today.

 Thank you all for your words of sympathy and support, I definitely need it.


Posted: 12/05/2007 in guilt, healing, loss
Tags: ,

I’m at work. I’m supposed to be working. I feel like poo. I was fine yesterday. I sat down at like 7:30 realized my throat hurt and I had a headache and this morning I feel terrible. Nothing quite hurts per se, but nothing feels quite right either. I popped a couple extra vitamin C’s and brought some soup to work. I rarely get sick so when I do it feels 10 times worse. So I’ve been screwing around online to avoid actual work and making my head feel worse.

 Christmas is pretty close. I started shopping, then I stopped. I feel okay about it and then I don’t. Unfortunately no matter how I feel about it this year I have to keep up appearances. There is a certain 7 year old who needs and expects it. And he has no idea that sometimes I’m still sad because he never had a clue I was pregnant in the first place. I’m just tired. tired of feeling set back and then tired of feeling guilty about feeling like I just want to heal and move on. I’m tired of being on the fence about trying again right now.

At this time of year though I do try to put things in perspective. There is nothing physically wrong with me, and I will have another child when it happens. Some people try with no result, some people lose their babies after the miracle of conceiving and some even carry close to term and then experience loss. Loss is loss yes but it does pain me and put my loss into perspective to read and hear about what other women who struggle and will struggle and have struggled go through. It is one of the most unfair things I have ever come across. Even at a young age I had empathy for people who wanted children and don’t have them. It’s a terrible world where people can smoke and drink during pregnancy and the baby is fine, and that people who don’t want children or abuse children pop them out like pez and the parents who are so deserving and so desperately want to give love are the ones with the struggle and pain.

Perspective I think is what keeps me going. I’m going to go home tonight and hug Anders and send all of you hopeful struggling moms out there a thought and a prayer. (I’d kiss him but I don’t want him to catch my cold).