Archive for October, 2009

all things October

Posted: 10/27/2009 in fun fun fun

Breast Cancer Walk had 20,000 in the rain!! Our team raised almost $1000.00, I raised $350 of it. what a success!










Here’s our Pumpkins!












my sisters zombies

Dawn of the Dead- my sister













Anders' skull with web











My Jack Skellington











our friend liz's girly skull


gonna get you - my sister

how do i?

Posted: 10/21/2009 in life

take that first step?

say somethings off or broken and I want to fix it, we need to fix it?

I know I can just say it, but I think it, and say nothing. I think alot and never actually open my mouth to say it. I know it would make ALL the difference and help. I just can’t bring myself to do it. what the hell is wrong with me?

for real?

Posted: 10/15/2009 in bipolar, depression, guilt, healing, life, loss, love, struggle

I’m a witch, snarky, mean, short fused, pissy witch (My poor family).

I feel so alone and mean and misunderstood. I’m still dealing with so much internally and quite a few things “externally”. I actually can admit I don’t like myself. I don’t like anyone. I love my kids, I love Walker. I dislike me, how I feel and they way I have been acting.

I have an overwhelming feeling of dread, worry, being trapped. I feel like I have mini panic attacks that I talk myself down from a couple times a month. It’s 10 times worse during PMS and Aunt Flo.

Though, I still feel so much better than I did with the bipolar and post partum at its worst. I haven’t had a dangerous, irrational or harmful thought in quite some time. I mean I wish I could get in my car sometimes and run away and change my name, but I think we all do at some point, it’s an escape in our own minds.

I miss drinking copious amount of alcohol and being retarded with my friends on occasion. The hangover w/a baby isn’t even worth it anymore. I miss my friends. Why? They ditched me over something really stupid last year the day after my birthday. 4 months before Chase was due and said “good luck with the baby”, but never said they were “done” though I knew you don’t say that if you’ll be around 4 months down the road. I stood by one of them when their marriage fell apart cause she got “mind fucked” by her affair guy who was also a seriously shitty cop. He had several girls, pitted them against each other played with their heads and he’s married. He was a prize. Helped her get rid of him and work it out with her husband who she belonged with and became happy with him again, then her mom’s brain cancer came back and I held her and her family up while she systematically shut down and died over the course of 8 months. During which they were terrible to me (I didn’t hold it against them, my mom isn’t sick I can’t comprehend and didn’t take offense). One of their daughters is a bad seed; she stole from me and lied. Though it was a dumb thing to steal and meant nothing it was the principal, steal and lie…not ok.…they didn’t get it and basically left me.

I find it very hard to trust people now, especially women. My sex life sucks, mostly cause I hate my body, I hate my skin and I can’t even stand to think about being naked or touched most of the time. Not that we have time, or privacy most days and nights. Once or twice a month is not nearly ok. I think I want it, I plan on it earlier in the day and then I purposely lay down and pass out on the couch cause I just can’t do it.

I love Chase, but some days I still do not like him very much. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m mean to Walker. I fly off  the handle SO easy. I do it in front of Anders now, I don’t care. That’s so bad. I try to go outside and calm myself, and yeah sometimes it works. Better than never I suppose.

I think I miss me. I haven’t been me or felt like me in forever, since before I lost the baby, that’s been a long time. It changes you…and I don’t know how to be this person and be happy.

I feel stuck. A lot, I feel stuck. With no one to commiserate or understand or just listen anymore. No one but you.

10 months

Posted: 10/15/2009 in burst my heart, life, love

I can’t believe in 2 months Chase will be 1. it flew by.

eating grilled cheese with Daddy on Football Sunday:

gr cheese2


so i don’t have much time to write the blog I want. This economy is slowly killing us consumers.

Walker isn’t getting a raise or bonus this year (but they are doing that to not have lay offs, so thats good). But we seem to be paying more and taking in less. it never ends.

I’m going to ask the bosses for a couple extra hours a week to help out. 2 kids birthdays (1 with a party at a hall) and Christmas….I know right now we don’t have it. So we gotta figure out ways to budget better, cut back, stop bleeding money.

anyone have any suggestions that are right under my nose and I don’t see them? (like most people).