Archive for August, 2009

1. the guy seems nice but he does this weird uh huh thing thats almost like a grunt and he does it after EVERYTHING I say. annoying!

2. It was basically a summary of the past 8 years-ish, my ex, my relationship with my parents then and now kinda thing, what brings me back to therapy? blah blah blah.

3. He seemed to be pushing hard the idea that Walker isn’t pulling his weight…but really pushing. Is therapy about blame??? So next week I am going to tell him ALL walker does do. Yeah he could be a lil more helpful and supportive but he’s not a slacker or an asshole. He works 45 to 55 hours a week to make up for me not working full time, he picks up every other sunday work. He pays a lot more of our bills without taking from me. he tries his best. i just feel like the guy made a somewhat quick judgement without all the facts. I’ll give him 4 appts, if he still annoys me and is big on blame, I’m out.

*don’t get me wrong he added a lil fault with me but i just felt like he “attacked” walker’s character or something. the man is a saint for putting up with me most of the time.

i have therapy today.

Posted: 08/27/2009 in life

I’m not actually sure where to start. back with my ex which is where it got really bad to begin with? right now? the last 2 years since the miscarriage that made me 10x’s worse? any suggestions??

better

Posted: 08/26/2009 in life

I’m feeling a lil better. I didn’t want to scare the crap out of everyone by not posting forever, sorry.

My meds are working much better and my first therapy appt is tomorrow. Other than Walker being an idiot and Anders father being his clueless asshole self it’s been bearable.

Now I only have thoughts of hurting the babies daddies đŸ˜‰

will update after therapy.

almost a man

almost a man

almost a boy

almost a boy

the biggest things

Posted: 08/18/2009 in depression, guilt, life, struggle

that helped me realize I need help.

disclaimer: I have no doubt that there isn’t judgement for these thoughts from my friends on here but there could be from lurkers and/or strangers happening through. If you feel the need to comment negatively just don’t comment at all please.

2 thoughts I had that scared the shit out of me.

1. I wonder if Anders would get over my death or it would scar him for life? (Chase would be too young to remember me).

2. If I smothered him he’d never hurt again and I’d get some sleep (um hello?!?! I knew I wouldn’t but the thought alone is so awful I was ashamed I even went there at all)

and the other 2 main things were comments from other people.

1. I don’t remember what I was doing but I text Walker that I was going where ever and his response was “try to have fun, try to smile”. and I thought am I really that bad? yeah I am.

2. Anders accidentally broke a small mirror I use for make-up. He apologized profusely, I told him it wasn’t a big deal and I wasn’t mad. He kept apologizing all night, and said I know you’re probably mad and just waiting to get me (as in torture w/tickles or scare him or get mad) he apparently has been walking on eggshells around me and trying his hardest to be at his Dad’s more than home.

these 4 things alone lit a fire under my ass to get help, cause while I’d at this point never do more than ponder the thoughts, I’ve seen what not getting help and not telling people you aren’t ok can lead to down the road. Poor Andrea Yates, I swear to god I know how she could do it, it’s terrible and I am not shifting blame or saying it was a great idea but I can sympathize with her state of mind and how sick she really was. That poor family.

Walker’s Mom took the baby over night last night, and wouldn’t it just figure that after 8 months of no sleep I woke up at 2:30 and 5 am anyway? of course not having to get out of bed and feed or comfort a screaming infant was great either way.

I feel better just knowing I helped myself and am working at it. the doubled meds for only six days are starting to take some of the edge off on my snipping and snapping at people (though I almost threw a chicken in the garbage for not being done when it should have been Sunday night, but I didn’t cry or retreat to my room or yell at anyone else like I have been). Of course the littlest things can make me cry but thats a given I’m hoping therapy helps me find ways of coping with this.

 

I also now know that a lot of what happened between my ex and I was mostly due to the birth of Anders making my bipolar ten fold then the wrong meds 3 times screwing up my sex life, my interest in anything I loved, and my general state of mind, I didn’t care at all. people would ask if I was happy I’d say I just don’t care if I’m happy or sad (walking zombie type feelings). I would have eventually left him because of his Mother issues and other things, but i have no doubt that made it worse faster. It is what it is right? learn and move on.

I will not let this ruin my relationship with Walker. It took me so long to find happiness that wasn’t work all the time. It’s always work but this wasn’t just me working at it. We’re a team and he’s so wonderful. He tried to make my birthday great, it wasn’t a complete wash but it was a struggle that day. The rest of the weekend was much better incl. him calling out and we went to the beach. It was a good day all around. I’ll take it.

I’m also calling a dermatologist, because on top of all this I am still breaking out like a 15 year old and looking in the mirror either makes my angry or upset, not good, especially right now. I’m gonna ask about a peel or treatment cause they are also scarring my skin, not pretty.

Thank you guys for being here and being you. I really need and appreciate it.

let’s just say after anders I had to go onto medication and have therapy. my marriage fell apart as a result of several factors my bipolar and the first few choices of meds to be included.

I had my meds doubled this week and made an appt with a therapist. I’ve been bad. post partum is bad, w/bipolar it is worse. I’ve had thoughts I don’t care to delve into right now.

I’m unhappy with myself, I’m SO tired & there are a lot of days I can’t do this, that I don’t want to do this. Chase is 8 months old and still does not sleep. I found out I was pregnant this weekend 2 years ago and I was not pregnant by that same labor day. This year has hit me worse than last year already.

I’ve been unbearable to say the least. my poor family. It makes me feel even worse that this has affected them.

I’m not in a good place but at least I know I reached out for help and will feel better sooner rather than later. I hope so.