Archive for August, 2008

i still miss you

Posted: 08/31/2008 in healing, loss, miscarriage

even tho its been a year, and your little brother kicks me all day everyday where you lived for such a short time, I haven’t forgotten that you were there first. Neither has your Daddy. We love you.


yep. 102 days left. thats all, thats it. thats almost into double digits, out of triple, thats almost the very last trimester. thats like 3 months. that is not long at all.

I’m torn between wanting to meet him sooner and wanting an extra month to carry him. I see the clothes and the bassinet and I want a pink faced, yummy smelling ball of pee and poop here now. and I see no sleep, way too many visitors and me in pain for a bit and just think…I’m not ready!

He still has no clear sleep/wake cycles that I have noticed. He kicks MORE after I eat and when I’m in bed late night and early AM, anytime I wake up to pee. and I always feel a low lying rumble tumbling nearly all day long. so when I don’t feel him for an hour or two, I wait with baited breath until he kicks, or I wiggle him and poke at him until he moves. so bad, but I’m the mom its my job to annoy him now and for the rest of his life right?

I start work on Sept 3. Anders starts school. Soccer starts Sept 13. and is every Saturday until Nov 1. Late Sept is my sister’s wedding shower. October is my VA baby shower & Anders 8th B-day party. November is Anders actual birthday and my sisters wedding, then Thanksgiving. Then Baby and the holidays. This last 90 days, is going to fly by more like 30 isn’t it? Oh my that is gonna be so crazy and SO fast, too fast. I can do this. i can juggle work, school stuff, family stuff and have a baby. I totally can. I’m super woman and super mom…ha ha ha Thank goodness my Mom is staying for 3 weeks after I have him…and even tho she will be annoying as anything and I may want to strangle her thank goodness Walker’s mom lives a block away……you know just in case my super mom costume doesn’t fit post partum for longer than I thought….  😉

nearly 25 weeks

nearly 25 weeks

the light after the storm

Posted: 08/20/2008 in life
Tags: , ,

A few things compounded to make me less than happy around my birthday, I was down right stressed and miserable. BUT with a little bit of meds, the power of positive thinking and a refocus of whats important the sun came out:

2 things that would have cost money we didn’t have, righted themselves and didn’t need fixing, and I got a job, i start the same day Anders starts 2nd grade. Sept. 3. its part time, and yes they know about the pregnancy and what time off I will take in Dec and Jan and are also flexible with Anders’ school schedule. it looks like my(our) luck has finally taken a turn for the better. lets hope it stays that way.

I leave you with a thoughtful, peaceful, picture that only needs one word: Mother

23 weeks 1 day (111 days left OMG!)

23 weeks 1 day (111 days left OMG!)

It is also Sam’s 2nd birthday so please go give Monica a hug, warm wishes and honor her request of you today in memory of her angel.

Much love to anyone missing someone today, i truly wish the world was an easier place to survive for all of you, for all of us.

Happy Birthday Sam, I hope you can feel all this love.


** and I just found out that Julia’s little guy was born the 15th as well, happy birthday buddy! go give her congrats

Monica asked about it so here it is:

It’s called Hypospadias. They had no clue until he was born that he had it. it was VERY slight. They say the urethra never fully develops a tube to the end of the penis. and a “pee hole” could develop anywhere from the base of the scrotum to the tip but not in the right spot. thankfully his was closer to the head on the underside. basically they opened “it” up (ouch) and built the remaining part of the tube with the skin they didn’t circumcise at birth and closed it up. forming a beautiful new urethra. BUT a 9 month old, crawls and moves and straddles, all things he’s not supposed to do cause of the healing parts. So a fistual formed. just a small spot that didn’t get enough bloodflow. kinda like a pin hole in a hose. he had a strong stream of regular urine and a tiny stream that flew out the side 😦  

he was 9 months with the first one. 1 yr and 9 months with the 2nd 3 years with the 3rd and I waited until 5 for the last one. my poor kiddo. he’s a trooper and a half let me tell you. By the time he hit 5 he knew what would make it not heal and was scared to do anything that would cause another fistula, cause he was old enough to understand. it finally finally worked and at 5 years old my boy could stand up to pee like all the other boys. full on potty training with no accidents day or night didn’t occur until age 6 close to 7. I say scar tissue affected the nerves at night and he couldn’t feel the sensation. If I got through that I can get through anything. i hate that he will always remember the last surgery and knows he had a defect, thats why we tried so early. but I suppose he can say been there done that, I’m tough and feel like he accomplished something most kids don’t have to go through.


heres the technical description of it:

Hypospadias is a birth defect of the urethra in the male that involves an abnormally placed urinary meatus (opening). Instead of opening at the tip of the glans of the penis, a hypospadic urethra opens anywhere along a line (the urethral groove) running from the tip along the underside (ventral aspect) of the shaft to the junction of the penis and scrotum or perineum. A distal hypospadias may be suspected even in an uncircumcised boy from an abnormally formed foreskin and downward tilt of the glans.

The urethral meatus opens on the glans penis in about 50-75% of cases; these are categorized as first degreehypospadias. Second degree(when the urethra opens on the shaft), and third degree (when the urethra opens on the perineum) occur in up to 20 and 30% of cases respectively. The more severe degrees are more likely to be associated with chordee, in which the phallus is incompletely separated from the perineum or is still tethered downwards by connective tissue, or with undescended testes (cryptorchidism).

so I researched online medical studies and that kind of thing. women who were on it the whole pregnancy and later in pregnancy and emailed them as well as spoke to a woman at St. Peters Hospital who somewhat is trained to know about this stuff. the risk is cleft palette, a 2.9% chance in medicated pregnancies. the risk for any birth defect in any woman not on meds is 3%. so the studies don’t actually show much of an added risk. The baby’s mouth is fully formed and look 100% regular on the 4D ultrasound ( I was on the med for 2 weeks before I realized i was pregnant). The risk for this defect after 3 months of pregnancy is zero because the baby is nearly fully formed in that aspect. The women who did the studies were on 200mg a day and above. I take 75 and it will take me 6 to 8 weeks to get to that dosage, so I’ll be nearly done by then.
right now all he’s really doing is getting fat and tall for us (let me tell you he’s plenty strong already, Ive been calling him chuck norris) I still had meds 3 months worth. when I found out I was pregnant I called my med Dr and told her cancelled an appt  and asked her to call me to discuss our game plan after I saw my OB, then left her a message after I saw my OB. she never once called. her patient is a bipolar off meds suddenly who is also pregnant and she didn’t give a crap to contact me and even tried to charge me for the cancelled appt as if I didn’t call. when i finally spoke to her she was a bitch and I realized I need a dr who actually cares a little bit, so I have 3 months to find one. I’ve been doing meds since 23 yrs old, so I’m fine for right now gradually introducing and increasing it on my own until i find someone.
Its a tough decision to have to make but I do feel its worth i t. I spend one or two days a week in my bed crying with the curtains drawn like a depressed psycho, thats not healthy…it took me 5 months to get down to that bad of episodes and it is happening closer together. I think the mental risks of me being sick out weigh any risks to the baby at this point in time and until birth.  besides I didn’t do or take anything with A and he had a defect and had to have 4 surgeries, we handle it as moms and get through it no matter what.
so I’m back online and the phones to find a better Dr. should be fun ha ha.

**lots of spelling and grammar mistakes and I don’t care, I typed this in like 2 minutes**


Automatic extension for unemployment. thats nice. I was told when I called late June or Early July I would get notice before I ran out. well I get my last check on Aug 27th. and I find out today that i have to FILE an application for the automatic extension….did these people have English in school?? AUTOMATIC….file an application??? WTF!?!?! I have to fill it out and have it to them BEFORE August 16. and I may not even start getting them for anywhere from 2 to 6 weeks which means I have absolutely NO income after August 27th. and rent and a truck payment that walker can not cover.

lets just say especially today there is no sunshine, and fittingly enough its stormy and thundering since 9am, before which looked like a picture perfect sunny day…sounds like my life.

anyone wanna purchase a baby in december? bad attempt at a joke, at least I tried.


I hate me again, I hate the world again and I am so siuck of feeling more and more distraught and hopeless as time goes by. I was told it all works out, things happen for a reason, and it would all eventually get better? when after I’m homeless? after my first child is taken away cause I can’t afford food and a roof? after I end up in a padded cell and my other child is taken away cause mental patients can’t raise children? when? cause I am so fucking sick of feeling like this I could SCREAM.