i still miss you

even tho its been a year, and your little brother kicks me all day everyday where you lived for such a short time, I haven’t forgotten that you were there first. Neither has your Daddy. We love you.

one hundred and “effing” two

yep. 102 days left. thats all, thats it. thats almost into double digits, out of triple, thats almost the very last trimester. thats like 3 months. that is not long at all.

I’m torn between wanting to meet him sooner and wanting an extra month to carry him. I see the clothes and the bassinet and I want a pink faced, yummy smelling ball of pee and poop here now. and I see no sleep, way too many visitors and me in pain for a bit and just think…I’m not ready!

He still has no clear sleep/wake cycles that I have noticed. He kicks MORE after I eat and when I’m in bed late night and early AM, anytime I wake up to pee. and I always feel a low lying rumble tumbling nearly all day long. so when I don’t feel him for an hour or two, I wait with baited breath until he kicks, or I wiggle him and poke at him until he moves. so bad, but I’m the mom its my job to annoy him now and for the rest of his life right?

I start work on Sept 3. Anders starts school. Soccer starts Sept 13. and is every Saturday until Nov 1. Late Sept is my sister’s wedding shower. October is my VA baby shower & Anders 8th B-day party. November is Anders actual birthday and my sisters wedding, then Thanksgiving. Then Baby and the holidays. This last 90 days, is going to fly by more like 30 isn’t it? Oh my that is gonna be so crazy and SO fast, too fast. I can do this. i can juggle work, school stuff, family stuff and have a baby. I totally can. I’m super woman and super mom…ha ha ha Thank goodness my Mom is staying for 3 weeks after I have him…and even tho she will be annoying as anything and I may want to strangle her thank goodness Walker’s mom lives a block away……you know just in case my super mom costume doesn’t fit post partum for longer than I thought….  😉

nearly 25 weeks

the light after the storm

A few things compounded to make me less than happy around my birthday, I was down right stressed and miserable. BUT with a little bit of meds, the power of positive thinking and a refocus of whats important the sun came out:

2 things that would have cost money we didn’t have, righted themselves and didn’t need fixing, and I got a job, i start the same day Anders starts 2nd grade. Sept. 3. its part time, and yes they know about the pregnancy and what time off I will take in Dec and Jan and are also flexible with Anders’ school schedule. it looks like my(our) luck has finally taken a turn for the better. lets hope it stays that way.

I leave you with a thoughtful, peaceful, picture that only needs one word: Mother

23 weeks 1 day (111 days left OMG!)

its not just my birthday ** updated

It is also Sam’s 2nd birthday so please go give Monica http://hopefulmomma.blogspot.com/ a hug, warm wishes and honor her request of you today in memory of her angel.

Much love to anyone missing someone today, i truly wish the world was an easier place to survive for all of you, for all of us.

Happy Birthday Sam, I hope you can feel all this love.

 

** and I just found out that Julia’s little guy was born the 15th as well, happy birthday buddy! go give her congrats http://wontfearlove.blogspot.com/

Little A’s small defect (i hope he never finds this blog)

Monica asked about it so here it is:

It’s called Hypospadias. They had no clue until he was born that he had it. it was VERY slight. They say the urethra never fully develops a tube to the end of the penis. and a “pee hole” could develop anywhere from the base of the scrotum to the tip but not in the right spot. thankfully his was closer to the head on the underside. basically they opened “it” up (ouch) and built the remaining part of the tube with the skin they didn’t circumcise at birth and closed it up. forming a beautiful new urethra. BUT a 9 month old, crawls and moves and straddles, all things he’s not supposed to do cause of the healing parts. So a fistual formed. just a small spot that didn’t get enough bloodflow. kinda like a pin hole in a hose. he had a strong stream of regular urine and a tiny stream that flew out the side 😦  

he was 9 months with the first one. 1 yr and 9 months with the 2nd 3 years with the 3rd and I waited until 5 for the last one. my poor kiddo. he’s a trooper and a half let me tell you. By the time he hit 5 he knew what would make it not heal and was scared to do anything that would cause another fistula, cause he was old enough to understand. it finally finally worked and at 5 years old my boy could stand up to pee like all the other boys. full on potty training with no accidents day or night didn’t occur until age 6 close to 7. I say scar tissue affected the nerves at night and he couldn’t feel the sensation. If I got through that I can get through anything. i hate that he will always remember the last surgery and knows he had a defect, thats why we tried so early. but I suppose he can say been there done that, I’m tough and feel like he accomplished something most kids don’t have to go through.

 

heres the technical description of it:

Hypospadias is a birth defect of the urethra in the male that involves an abnormally placed urinary meatus (opening). Instead of opening at the tip of the glans of the penis, a hypospadic urethra opens anywhere along a line (the urethral groove) running from the tip along the underside (ventral aspect) of the shaft to the junction of the penis and scrotum or perineum. A distal hypospadias may be suspected even in an uncircumcised boy from an abnormally formed foreskin and downward tilt of the glans.

The urethral meatus opens on the glans penis in about 50-75% of cases; these are categorized as first degreehypospadias. Second degree(when the urethra opens on the shaft), and third degree (when the urethra opens on the perineum) occur in up to 20 and 30% of cases respectively. The more severe degrees are more likely to be associated with chordee, in which the phallus is incompletely separated from the perineum or is still tethered downwards by connective tissue, or with undescended testes (cryptorchidism).

decisions decisions….back on meds

so I researched online medical studies and that kind of thing. women who were on it the whole pregnancy and later in pregnancy and emailed them as well as spoke to a woman at St. Peters Hospital who somewhat is trained to know about this stuff. the risk is cleft palette, a 2.9% chance in medicated pregnancies. the risk for any birth defect in any woman not on meds is 3%. so the studies don’t actually show much of an added risk. The baby’s mouth is fully formed and look 100% regular on the 4D ultrasound ( I was on the med for 2 weeks before I realized i was pregnant). The risk for this defect after 3 months of pregnancy is zero because the baby is nearly fully formed in that aspect. The women who did the studies were on 200mg a day and above. I take 75 and it will take me 6 to 8 weeks to get to that dosage, so I’ll be nearly done by then.
 
right now all he’s really doing is getting fat and tall for us (let me tell you he’s plenty strong already, Ive been calling him chuck norris) I still had meds 3 months worth. when I found out I was pregnant I called my med Dr and told her cancelled an appt  and asked her to call me to discuss our game plan after I saw my OB, then left her a message after I saw my OB. she never once called. her patient is a bipolar off meds suddenly who is also pregnant and she didn’t give a crap to contact me and even tried to charge me for the cancelled appt as if I didn’t call. when i finally spoke to her she was a bitch and I realized I need a dr who actually cares a little bit, so I have 3 months to find one. I’ve been doing meds since 23 yrs old, so I’m fine for right now gradually introducing and increasing it on my own until i find someone.
 
Its a tough decision to have to make but I do feel its worth i t. I spend one or two days a week in my bed crying with the curtains drawn like a depressed psycho, thats not healthy…it took me 5 months to get down to that bad of episodes and it is happening closer together. I think the mental risks of me being sick out weigh any risks to the baby at this point in time and until birth.  besides I didn’t do or take anything with A and he had a defect and had to have 4 surgeries, we handle it as moms and get through it no matter what.
 
so I’m back online and the phones to find a better Dr. should be fun ha ha.

that sunshine faded quickly

**lots of spelling and grammar mistakes and I don’t care, I typed this in like 2 minutes**

 

Automatic extension for unemployment. thats nice. I was told when I called late June or Early July I would get notice before I ran out. well I get my last check on Aug 27th. and I find out today that i have to FILE an application for the automatic extension….did these people have English in school?? AUTOMATIC….file an application??? WTF!?!?! I have to fill it out and have it to them BEFORE August 16. and I may not even start getting them for anywhere from 2 to 6 weeks which means I have absolutely NO income after August 27th. and rent and a truck payment that walker can not cover.

lets just say especially today there is no sunshine, and fittingly enough its stormy and thundering since 9am, before which looked like a picture perfect sunny day…sounds like my life.

anyone wanna purchase a baby in december? bad attempt at a joke, at least I tried.

 

I hate me again, I hate the world again and I am so siuck of feeling more and more distraught and hopeless as time goes by. I was told it all works out, things happen for a reason, and it would all eventually get better? when after I’m homeless? after my first child is taken away cause I can’t afford food and a roof? after I end up in a padded cell and my other child is taken away cause mental patients can’t raise children? when? cause I am so fucking sick of feeling like this I could SCREAM.

maybe its just me, but i don’t get it

OK, this is in no way a judgment as I’m sure a few people who stumble across may take it but I felt as a person who’s had her share of a non perfect life, a non perfect birth, a loss and no choice in my “birthing plan” with this one that I am qualified to write this post and say I just am not sure I get it.

We are all mainly brought up to believe certain “ideals” such as meeting the one, the true love, your knight in shining armor and so on. We are all taught to believe that fairy tale. Which is a load of crap especially in this day and age. I’m not saying you can’t find true love and that you can’t be almost fairy tale happy. But it’s not all pretty white dresses and woodland creatures and love stories from the movies. Its work, it’s fighting, it’s compromise, it’s heartbreak. So I say most of us have gotten over the fake idea of fairy tale happily ever after and made it into a more modern day make it work happiness as it should be. SO people???

Whats this obsession i constantly hear about almost all women being seriously adamant and creepily obsessed with natural childbirth, or making a c-section seem like they need an exorcism? I hear, see and read people constantly say, I want natural child birth, because I don’t want complications and a possible c-section. to me that says I want natural child birth cause the Dr’s will screw it up otherwise and I will have to have a c-section and those are just awful.

seriously? get over it, get over your unrealistic ideals and ideas and all the bullshit you’ve heard before. Unless you’re baby has died or received an injury or defect from anything but natural child birth you really have nothing to base these ridiculous scenarios and fear on, other than well fear and mis information.

Isn’t the whole main goal with any type of child birth to have a live healthy baby? I’ve seen women on these shows, in real life and in blogland lose their minds with the mention of drugs and then a c-section comes up, up until the very last second when it can not be put off anymore and they have no choice. and the WORST part of it is watching and listening after, it’s a giant pity party of “I failed” and “it didn’t go my way”. UM well I’m guessing that your whole life wasn’t perfect so things not going your way all the time would be normal, not a failure and actually a triumph I would say. I’d rather look at my baby than whine about the past.

I had no dilusions that i wanted natural childbirth at all costs, even after hearing my Mother’s 2 push, no drug, baby out easy stories for my sister and brother. I decided that I would like to endure what I could and then be able to enjoy the experience without pain and anxiety. Did I want a c-section? no I didn’t but i didn’t automatically think of it as failure either. I went in and they said my water must have broken within the last 24 to 48 hours and nothing was happening, so they induced, that’s one drug I could have done without OMG no rest between contractions. but after so many hours I got another lovely drug that had me sleeping and napping and having good conversation during contractions. 17 hours later (i was new at this and it was quite a long night) I was dialated and ready to push, they discovered during 3 hours of pushing (yes 3 excruciating hours with an epidural and still with back pain the whole 3 hours of pushing) that Anders must have turned slighty and his head was not facing the correct way to come out easily, but let me push anyway as they did not want me to have a c-section either. Meanwhile I was begging for one at this point, exhausted, in pain, causing slight nerve damage to my back because basically his head was pressing on my tailbone everytime I pushed. Finally they said before the baby’s heart rate drops anymore, and to alleviate the pain I’m feeling i would have a c-section. I agreed, signed the paper shaking and ready to passout and went in. I could feel slighty them cutting me, after epidural for a while I was apparently immune to its power and had some sensation still, it didn’t hurt. more like a slight burning. So they put me out. I had Anders at 5pm Nov 7th 2000, I didn’t wake up and get to see him until nearly midnight that night. While some of that story sounds crazy and traumatic just laying my eyes on him made it all worth it, made it all not matter, and made me not even care I had a c-section. I was only 23 years old withno desire to have children really before I got pregnant, and here I was a Mom in awe. Who cares how your baby gets here as long as it gets here? Like I said screw ups happen, deaths and injury occur and I certainly find the want for natural valid for that reason, but some people are above and beyond about wanting it that way, their way, the planned way, at all costs for no real reason other than fear and control.

One thing I remember but didn’t get at the time, was that my Dr said “don’t let those nurses treat you like you took the easy way out with a c-section, after 17 hours of labor and 3 of pushing before it you essentially did both.” I was like ok, but had no idea why. I get it now, there’s a stigma, and sour opinion, especially among most nurses in the maternity ward that you failed, you didnt try your best or were too lazy. really? the fact that I carried around a baby in my 5 foot 98 lb frame for 9 months wasn’t enough work and pain? the fact that out of that tiny body came a 7lb 3 3/4oz boy who was 21 3/4″ long yeah thats a long baby. But I was lazy? didn’t try hard enough? took the easy way out? you know what I say to anyone who thinks of a c-section that particular way, fuck you. yep fuck you.

If you just have no idea what its about and are just going along with ” the ideas and ideals” you’ve heard all your life regarding this, get over it. We were all born with free will ladies, and fortunately for me I inherited enough “don’t give a damn what others think in any way” that i could care less ahead of time what “the perfect birth plan” was. My perfect birth plan was to bring home my son. He’s gonna be 8 in Nov, aside from that the rest is filler.

I have to have a c-section with this one in December, I would have liked to try a regular vaginal birth ((with drugs of course)) but i can’t, so you know what, next subject, next worry, next issue. why dwell and pout and feel like a failure? Look at what I endured clueless at 23 and here I am willing to try it again after all that and not even upset. Sure the recovery is a slight bitch (regular is no picnic anyway) and I get to be a princess and get taken care of, cooked for, my other kid taken to and from school cause I can’t do our stairs at first…yeah that’s a tough life, getting waited on for a week or two…

Nothing in life goes according to plan and I learned a long long time ago that planning is your first mistake, be prepared yes, but planning is almost like asking for a wrench to be thrown in…I swear it.  besides ever seen a c-section baby? they are pretty the minute the crap is cleaned off of them…no mis-shapen heads or anything ha ha 🙂

so take my little story, theory, rant as you will and know I’m not judging, just informing, and that includes myself. i just don’t get the stigma and stick in the mud attitude, so here I am hoping to educate myself or possibly someone else.

Have a lovely day!!

ish (as in ok-ish, better-ish, not so bad-ish)

a couple of days passed the worst so far. another appt with my OB, the heartbeat, LOTS of kicking and def sleep/wake cycles, Anders is home. Life is somewhat back to some type of normalcy for now.

I gained 5lbs since last check up. I actually got my Dr. the one I’ve been with since I was 18. since I am having a c-section I am only making appointments with him because I won’t need whoever is on call if Im not going into labor. My Dr. said that now that I am at the right area of weight gain for how far along I am he wants me to really eat healthy to avoid blowing up like I did with Anders. he said for my height and build he’d feel good with 2 to 4 lbs a month from here on out and no more than that. fine with me. I gained 45 lbs with Anders and was miserable times 5. He would like 20 to 25 lbs tops with this one. Can do Dr. more protein, less “white” carbs, more whole grains. seems easy enough.

so to date I have gained 10lbs total. I’m at 21 weeks. baby is nearly 1lb and near 12 inches long head to feet. and I am very aware of this growth spurt. I look like I have a basketball on my front side ha ha. and he is kicking up a storm every two to three hours all day. Some of these kicks I can feel above my belly button already and my belly button is just slightly starting to push out at the top and widen, should be an outie soon enough. Dinner seems to be the big precursor to the most exciting movement all day. Yesterday for the first time Anders felt his brother kick like crazy. He loved it, of course it was immediately followed with “what does that feel like to you?” and “it doesn’t hurt does it?” more worried about mom than anything. He’s ever so gentle with his hands on my belly, I’ve told him he can press down and really feel or wiggle it around, he’s unsure though. Its very cute.

AND the biggest news of the summer, finally, Anders is riding without training wheels. At our old house he didn’t really have the space to ride often so he never learned. At this house he has tons of room and has been riding with training wheels for 3 months. One fell off and he had no idea so I said the other one comes off too. and VIOLA he rides!! yay!!

School starts in like 27 days! which means I can go back to some type of work in 27 days or so bring in a bit more $ and stop being so miserable and alone all day. And then all hell breaks lose. School, soccer, my sisters wedding shower, cousins wedding, Sister’s wedding, My baby shower in VA, setting up baby/nursery stuff, Anders b-day, Thanksgiving, Baby, then Christmas….I really should be careful complaining about having nothing to do and being alone, I really really should stop. YIKES.

basketball belly-21 weeks

dig down deeper….

where do I start?

I have been increasingly distraught, depressed, angry, easy to feel hurt and abandoned. I couldn’t figure it out at first. Though being pregnant and an unmedicated bipolar one shouldn’t even give a thought as to why right?

All this back to school and craziness getting ready to start in September seems to make it twice as bad. Not because of money, which is increasingly an issue, but because 2 days after I lost my baby last year I had to muster up enough strength and care to get my living child off to 1st grade. Because everyone here is discussing what their plans for labor day are. Mine are very simple I’m going to try not to stay in bed and feel miserable and I’m going to try not to worry about this baby leaving. Its unlikely that anything will happen to this one besides being born in December, but it sticks in ones mind.

Anders was on vacation with his father this week and will be this weekend, Walker has been working and yay for me played softball 3 times this week, translation? Christyna was alone A LOT, upset A LOT, feeling ABANDONED A LOT, sad, crying, angry A LOT. I wake up alone when A isn’t here, and this week I went to bed alone 3 times. Cried myself to sleep all 3 nights. I feel like Walker can’t tell anyone no, unless its me, he can do that without even saying it. Sure I’ll play softball for you even tho I didn’t play with you all season, and its a double header? no problem (I hear NO being said to me, no I can’t be home with you. No I don’t realize how alone you are and have been, no I don’t realize that this is really getting to you and hurting us). Only I’ve recently told him how I feel and what its been doing to me. and he said well lets do something Friday(tonight). I’m so angry and upset and pissed I don’t even want to be here when he gets home but I’ve isolated all my friends when my bipolar acted up in the beginning of the year and its never been the same so I have no where to go. I don’t want him to feel like he can abandon me when I clearly needed him and make it all up in a matter of a few hours on one night when he happens to have time, and what really really hurts, he’s gone all day Saturday playing softball too! But our friend Kevin will be around so he said at least you’ll have him to keep you company. Oh ok so long as you don’t have to feel guilty right?

I’m so tired of feeling useless, and helpless, and angry, alone, pissed, upset, abandoned. I don’t know how to make it stop. Its not all the time, in fact its usually rare that I feel like this more than an hour or two at a time, until this week. I feel like a shell of myself, empty, pathetic. I just want it to stop. it needs to stop. make it stop.