Archive for May, 2008

and feel free to smack me if you think I am but…

my skin is GROSS, again, no surprise it was bad with Anders. Its getting warmer which means i will get oilier ewww. Glowing? no no honey its more like greasy and shining. But I suppose they put the glowing spin on it from an outside perspective. ha ha just the perks of pregnancy I suppose. I did it once I can do it again, my poor sore sensitive skin….

I’m good really. I still worry and obsess. Even tho all seems normal and safe I can’t help but get closer to an appointment and wonder if it will have a heartbeat. It’s like human nature now. I can smile and say when the baby gets her… but a week before an ultrasound I’m convinced there’s no heartbeat. I miss naive, stupid me. All is fine and you never need to worry or stress cause you don’t live in that world. But unfortunately now I do.

Loss changes you forever. not temporarily, forever. It makes me even more grateful for every good appointment and for Anders of course.  I loved him so much as it was and more everyday but when I lost the baby I found new depths of love for that little boy, and more dreams and hopes, and just such a sense of relief that he is here and I know him and love him and that life is so fragile and short sometimes. For being able to see that and feel that and know that I am grateful but I wish i never had to lose a baby to get it. It makes this pregnancy that much more wonderful and stressful and scary and hopeful. it’s like living on a see-saw up up up middle down down middle up up up, which I guess is normal pregnancy to begin with but those of you who know what I’m talking about know that its so different and difficult. Its hard to think you’re hurting anyone who’s lost or making their heart ache. It’s nice to think you give someone hope and something to look forward to. But the people who haven’t lost or don’t acknowledge your loss anymore just think its business as usual and thats that. Its not. It’s hard, its scary, its sad. because I can’t be 100% happy and hopeful and I want to be but it isn’t realistic and it isn’t smart. I love this baby already, and I want this baby to come home and chances are it will, but I can’t commit to being 100% postive about the whole thing. I just can’t. in real life I can fake it with people. I am just so damn glad I don’t have to on here.

 I just passed 11 weeks. 11 weeks. I have a detailed ultrasound for testing on June 6th at 12 weeks 3 days. I will see a baby, that looks like a baby. i will hear its heartbeat for the first time, I will be SO attached and SO worried after that. I just keep saying with every week that passes you’re one week safer and one week closer to holding you son’s sibling. thats all I can do.


So last weekend we were so completely unmotivated that we were bored and cranky. this has never happened in our house. After the initial happiness and sigh of relief from our Dr visit we had no desire to do anything at all I guess the tension and stress of waiting for good news wound us up tighter than we thought. We didn’t clean, Walker usually spends a good 4 hours just goin nuts cleaning on saturdays, we didn’t go outside, all the gardening was done, there was nothing good on tv. we all lounged around lazy half napping and saying I’m bored …until mid sunday. Usually when Anders wrestles with the dog I insist several times he back away from the furniture and get onto the open carpeted area of the livingroom. apparently walker and I don’t have to follow those same warnings…ooops. so the dog was barking at Walker for pretending to come at me and then Anders jumped on Walkers back and we were all goofing off. What happened next I watched in mommy slow motion vision. Anders was thrown off Walkers back and towards our arm chair. I saw his face heading for it, knew it would cut and bleed and I couldn’t do a thing about it.

I immediately grabbed him and sat him down, put my hand over his mouth and shouted at Walker to get a dark colored washcloth wet it with cold water and bring it to me immediately. dark colored so the child doesn’t notice the blood, they freak and face cuts bleed more when they freak, little tip for you moms and will be moms, it really works. he was dripping blood in my hand, I covered it with the wet towel and then told Anders I knew it was scary and hurt but he needed to be calm so I could stop the bleeding and look at it and if he cried I wouldn’t be able to. I asked walker to get me a baggy with some ice in it. As I switched the wet rag for the ice I saw he spilt the top of his lip through to the bottom right outside the skin on his bottom lip. He was gonna need a stitch or two. We went, he cried and was scared, I talked him into being brave and holding back the tears long enough to get the job done cause he would make it bleed again. and for the most part he was SO brave, barely cried or whimpered and got his first 3 stitches. Meanwhile his Dad told him when his Mom was 22 she had to get stitches in her finger, my finger, and cried and carried on so much they asked her to be quiet as she was scaring the kids in other rooms. true story I’m a wuss. But I am so proud of Anders and actually kind of proud of myself for maintaining my cool and doing what had to be done so quickly. The first time he busted his mouth I picked him up and handed him to my Mom and said here deal with this I can’t do it ha ha. blood is gross and this time I was catching the blood with my hand and wore the blood streaks all the way to the Dr. I’ve come a long way baby.

Big Brother was so brave we told him he was gonna be a big brother. I made him a shirt that says “big brother December 2008” and he didn’t quite get it at first, was happy but didn’t realize I was already pregnant. Now he occasionally stops and waves at my belly ha ha. he’s adorable and told me he will tell his brother or sister how he fought off a puma and had to get 3 stitches…yeah he’s just fine.

What a crazy busy weekend and week. Of course he couldn’t eat well the first 2 days so missed school Monday and Tuesday and I haven’t had my nap since Saturday and am SO tired. But a nap is in order today, finally. whew. I hope all is well with you guys.

We’re just counting down to June 6th and our combo screening so we can see what looks like a baby instead of a peanut.


** also anyone who uses wordpress like to enlighten me as to how to add widgets to my sidebar without the rest of my sidebar disappearing and nothing showing up in the widget box too, that would be wonderful…I tried like 10 times and it doesn’t work  😦

this seems to be working

Posted: 05/17/2008 in life

All is well, all tests are good and normal, cervix closed, heartbeat present. Fetus measured 9 weeks 4 days. I go back in 4 weeks. Ultrasound screening on The 6th at 12 weeks which will be the first it looks like an actually baby instead of a black eyed pea turned peanut. Walker said no nickname, because “my baby” works fine ha ha ass.

So relief, excitement, happiness, and a little apprehension. Now to figure out how to break it to big brother who’s been waiting for over a year for this ha ha.

I dare say all is normal and proceeding normally. whew

Dear Coworkers, Friends and Family,


This year, hundreds of thousands of people will hear the words, “You have breast cancer,” and there’s a good chance that some of them will be people we know and love. I have chosen to fight back against this disease and help make a  difference by participating in the American Cancer Society Making Strides Against Breast Cancer, and I hope you will join me.

Making Strides Against Breast Cancer is our opportunity to honor and celebrate breast cancer survivors, educate women about early detection and prevention, and raise money to fund lifesaving research and support programs to help fight breast cancer. But Making Strides is more than just the name of a walk, it describes the amazing progress we can make if we work together to defeat this disease.

Below is a link to my personal page. I hope you will visit my site and sign up to join my team. If you prefer, you can start your own team, sign up to walk as an individual, or make a donation. Hope starts with me and it can continue with you. Please join my team and walk with us to experience an incredible day of inspiration and meaning, and to provide hope for all people facing breast cancer. 


To donate now, use this link to visit my personal page



I don’t want my whole blog to become about pregnancy. it wasn’t ever all about my loss so it shouldn’t be all about my pregnancy. Unfortunately the jobless boring life I’m leading right now doesn’t leave too much room for obsessing about much else.

I don’t want to upset anyone, insult anyone, bore anyone.

I’m still waiting. waiting for the other shoe to drop. waiting for the blood. waiting for the bad news. waiting everyday for another week. I’m at 9. I made 9 weeks. I have an appointment on saturday and all I keep thinking is that I will go in with walker and they will find no heartbeat. rational and irrational at the same time. I haven’t told him any of this at all. I get happy and excited for 5 mins, I think more for him, and then for the next hour I worry and plan and think the worst. it’s terrible. it really is. I still only have a very SMALL handful of people who know and I haven’t investing too much, didn’t buy anything, we don’t talk names, we brought up how we’d fit a crib only for me to say we’ll deal with it later. I’m afraid to invest more than a day at a time…all the while praying that every week passes faster. mental hell.

Anders has 4 1/2 weeks of school left. Then he will be a 2nd grader. OMG a 2nd grader? prying him off of me so they could take him into Kindergarten was 2 years ago? it was? he can read like a champ? he plays baseball fairly well? and he doesn’t need as much help with as many things? OMG my baby isn’t a baby anymore at all in any way.

This whole situation feels fake, surreal, like an alternate universe. a dream? maybe I’m dreaming? none of this is even real? Will I really have an 8 year old and a newborn in December? is that really happening?

oh and come to find out Walker the vitamin fanatic has had B6 the whole time I have been feeling like crap ha ha. nice right? I was like damn i could have stolen your vitamins?? so now I do.

GAS PRICES * updated

Posted: 05/07/2008 in life

in NJ we usually have the lowest gas prices. and right now it’s 3.43 to 3.49. ROBBERY!!

My sister, after filling up, asked the attendant if it felt good. he said what? she replied raping me for gasoline. ha ha hah ah

she said if looks could kill as she drove away. made me laugh out loud, thought I’d share it.

**Mid-MAY and the price is 3.57 (i did find it for 3.53 tho yesterday). insane. I’m buying a horse!!


Posted: 05/07/2008 in life
Tags: ,

So I made it to 8. I switched taking my vitamins until at dinner or later and the nausea has been substantially lessened but then I worry about less symptoms. never win. Blood test today or whatever. 1st trimester screening or something. Nothing abnormal in my counts from Friday, that’s a good thing. Told 2 or 3 people that I’m close to, in case I need support or something.

Anders has been eating like a teenager. I associate this with baseball. The mornings after practice he eats 2 breakfasts, and last Saturday after the game we went to see Ironman and he ate 3 slices of pizza. 3! Walker ate 3, his Uncle Jeff ate 3 and my 7 year old ate 3. it’s insane, I feel a major growth spurt coming this summer. It makes me a little sad, a little happy and miss him being small and dependent on me. While i am glad I do not have to do everything for him and he’s come so far I am realizing I have to start all over again. full dependency, diapers, no sleep, bottles, omg you’d think it was my first one. I’m nervous and anxious. Walker is cute, a little detached, underlying worry and happy. he has no idea what he’s in for. none. that will be amusing. I will be the calm one who’s been there and is calm and wise…that will be nice.

I hope everyone out there has a sunny day that brings a smile or two because you surely deserve it for being the wonderful women you are.