i hate bipolar

Posted: 01/17/2008 in life
Tags: , , , ,

this is a babble really but it must be written, even if it only sits in drafts and never gets posted.

I feel alone. I feel like my friends don’t understand, but it’s mainly because I don’t share with them the hell I have been living in since September. When I do bring something up I either get an overly optimistic pep talk or it kinda gets brushed aside. I start to tell Walker and he gets so upset he nearly cries and then he says he’s been upset and he blames himself for almost everything. So I stop sharing because I don’t want him to feel bad and blame himself for anything. and then I’m there again. alone. in my head with these thoughts. feeling alone, misunderstood, empty, angry, sad, stressed & broken. it’s a horrible feeling. like a bottomless pit. I’ve been in pits before, I’ve worked long and hard to pull myself out. Sometimes nearly giving up but fighting on. I finally have my life where I need and want it for the most part. but still here I am in the pit alone. again. I go to sleep thinking what if my body stays uncooperative? What if we never get the timing right? What if we do? will I be a basket case until I reach 12 weeks? I never worried with Anders beyond the Dr telling me a few times that the drinking I did within the first 2 weeks of his life were fine and won’t affect him. I never worried about loss never, it was so easy because I never had lost. Now I border between being obsessed with getting pregnant and wanting it so badly to wondering how bad it will be the first few weeks and how much worse I’ll get if I suffer another loss. I feel like I’m crazy sometimes. crazy and alone is definitely not a good mix for a bipolar, especially one who’s been off her meds for almost 3 years. BUT if I take them again I can not get pregnant in fact I have to go on birth control. catch 22? double edged sword? there is only one thing that will make all of this go away. and it seems to be that thing just out of my reach right now. lucky me.

this just in: (about 7 hours after I started the top part)

I’m thinking about going back on my crazy pills. (lamictal, the only thing that worked for me in the past)
after really talking to a couple people here I realized I’m still a mental basket case since Sept and it isn’t getting better. I’m just pushing it down and trying to band aid it by obsessing about getting pregnant again. meanwhile I’m ruining and damaging relationships a little with people I do have and I do love and I can hold all in pursuit of this imaginary baby that may or may never even exist for me.

so I’m calling my Dr. gonna have a few sessions, wait to see if I am pregnant (wouldn’t it be my luck as I decide to help myself out of this hole) if I’m not, back on the meds I’ll go for like 6 months to a year maybe longer.

some days I think I’m ok and I lie to myself and every one else and say I am. some days, like today nothing feels right or happy or not forced. I can’t make anyone else happy or take care of anyone else if I’m miserable and not taking care of myself…

I have to be weaned onto it 5mg at a time and it won’t work all it’s magic until it’s been in my system for at least 4 to 6 weeks, I forget if I was on 25mg or 50mg now. It’s been 2 or 3 years. I can not conceive while on it, and have to be off it for a few months before I try so it isn’t in my system anymore…so unless I’m pregnant right now I won’t be for quite some time. and if I feel better, happier, less crazy,less sad and down will I even want one anymore? only time will tell.

I hate bipolar.

  1. Rachel says:

    Here’s a hug. I wish I could help in some way but I don’t know how since I haven’t walked in your shoes.

    I don’t think that you would obsess any more or less about losing another baby if you were not bipolar. I think it is a hard thing to go through especially when one of your strongest desires is to have children.

    Again though, I don’t know what it is like to be bipolar. If you decide you need to go back on your medications for awhile, you will know that in the long run it is the best decision for your health.

  2. BasilBean says:

    I find that when I am in a low place (depressed or high-anxiety) I have a hard time with the notion that I don’t always feel that way. When I am under that cloud or in that grip, it feels like I am and have always been a mess. It may not be a lie that some days you are OK.

    That being said, I think you are on the right track to see your Dr. for a few sessions, or whatever it turns out to be. Maybe the meds will be the best thing…or maybe there are other options that might help. Three years is a long time, so it would seem to me that you are able to function very well off of the meds.

    Losing a baby is a very big deal. Unfortunately, especially with earlier term losses, our babies are pretty much invisible to the rest of the world and we don’t recieve much support for our grief from family, friends, colleagues, etc. Even though I gave birth to William and held him in my arms there were times during the first year of my grieving when I almost questioned whether he had ever existed…or if there was something seriously wrong with me for being so shattered by his loss.

    As you know from reading my blog, I ended up needing to take meds for a while, too. I don’t regret it a bit. I am also thankful for the other things I did to pull myself up.

    I’m thinking about you and sending my love and warm thoughts.

  3. Becky says:

    Just as BasilBean said, when I am in that place I feel just as you described. When I’m in the depths of dispair, it seems as if I’ve always been there. It seems like I don’t have good days, or that I don’t ever even laugh a little. It’s so easy to think that way when you are in that place. I’ve recently read the book, “Eat Pray Love.” Have you heard of it? Anyway, in it she speaks of lonliness and depression of being people in her life. People that she can’t hide from, she can’t escape, and they sit on the couch next to her breathing in her face. Most normal people, or at least those of us who have suffered a loss, find it extremely difficult to kick them out of our homes. It leaves us wondering why we are having such a hard time, or if we are normal, or if we will ever be happy again.

    Fortunately, or unfortunately maybe, I needed medication to get them out of my home too. It was the best decision that I ever made for myself. I took Zoloft, which was safe for pregnancy because according to the doctor it would be more harmful emotionally during a sub pregnancy to not take it. I was on it about a year, and I take it here and there when I feel as though I’m having a hard time with things.

    Your feelings of lonliness or being misunderstood are also feelings that I think we deal with on a daily basis. I used to cry myself to sleep at night, on the way home from work, or while I was going to my parents because I knew that I didn’t have anyone in my life to talk to. I find myself censoring what I tell my family, my friends, and sometimes even my husband. I wish that I had some magic answer to coming out of this, or a cure to the lonliness but I don’t. All I can offer is my support and a hug. Or a virtual one, at least.

    Going back to the doctor and going back on the meds is a great idea. There is nothing wrong with giving yourself time, if that is really what you want. Looking back, and I’m sure BasilBean would agree, waiting as long as we did to try again was one of the best decisions that we made. Just be sure that it’s really what you need.

    Know that I’m thinking about you.

  4. Monica H says:

    Hey, I’m back! That sounds like a threat, huh?

    I’m in this struggle too. Either they (friends and family) don’t understand and give you an “inspirational” talk or they ignore it because they don’t know what to say. I often don’t talk about it to my family, because of this. It seems that all my “friends” abandoned me when I had my losses. They just left and they are no more. It’s as though my friends are my support group, because everything I feel, they understand. I don’t know if you have ever been to one, but it helped me.

    My family always tell me that it will happen, and that they see me as a mother and I’ll be great at it, and it will happen in God’s timing, blah, blah, blah….I’ve heard them all. The desire to be a mother is huge and often overwhelming. If I could turn the “mother” switch off I would. I often hold a lot in and don’t tell anyone how I’m feeling. I sensor a lot on my blog too, because my husband reads it. I don’t feel like I can fully release my fears and frustrations, my wants and needs. I cry and he doesn’t understand why. I finally get to the point where I am going crazy and I feel like shit and we talk and it always turn into an argument.

    I’m sorry for rambling on about myself. I’m just trying to say that I know what you are going through- we all do. I don’t think the “want” to be a mother will diminish with the medication, whether you’re bipolar or not. If you think that the meds will help and you need them, get back on them. But like Basilbean said, you’ve been off of them for 3 years and you’ve functioned. So you need them now because you need them, or because you’re depressed and lonely and sad and you’re trying to cover up those feelings with meds? I think you’re grieving. Plain and simple. WE all went through those feelings and I feel if you want a baby, you should go for it. If you want to get back on your meds because it will help you, you should do it. You’ve just started trying. I would give it a little more time to see what happens, but I would also definitely make an appointment with your doc to discuss your situation.

    I just reread what I wrote and I sound like a bitch, I’m sorry if I come across that way to you too. I’m thinking about you and I don’t want you to get back on the meds and not be able to conceive. I also want you to be able to fuction and not be so sad and lonely. That takes time. Could you talk to your doctor and see if something like Zoloft would be helpful? I want you to have both a baby and sanity.

    Email me if you want to chat some more. ((HUGS))

  5. christyna says:

    Thank you so much for making me feel normal and not alone. Sometimes, especially the bad days I wonder how I can look at the child I do have and he’s not enough. He’s been my world for 7 years. He’s part of the reason I did therapy and meds in the first place. So i could be a better me for me and him.

    I do know that since I decided that I’m not doing as great as I thought and I should go see my doctor I feel better. Like a weight has been lifted and I can breathe. I think I will just go see him and talk. He hates meds, tho he knows sometimes they are very necessary, he warns that none of the doctors or companies even know what they do long term to someone and that I can cope with out them because I have learned how to cope with them. My meds don’t fix it all they just make the anxiety a little less and the depression a little less. I’m guessing it just makes those feelings feel less overwhelming so I can handle them but they are always still there. Which is good because i did learn to cope.

    my ex husband once called me “a beautiful self defeatest” and I will never forget it. it was of course a lot of the bipolar but I try never to forget it so that I don’t become it. He was wrong and I know that, but if I forget it i could be one.

    I honestly don’t know what will happen in the next few months, I’m going to try to take one day at a time and breathe. I think the world stopped for all of us and no one really has the tools to cope with that except us, those who have been there.

    Mon- you didn’t sound like a bitch at all. I’m a brutally honest realist. you sounded like a freind trying to help.

    You’ve all been there and thank you for being here for me. I’m grateful I really am. Thank you doesn’t even seem like enough sometimes. There are no words for feeling supported and cared for without judgment or misunderstanding. Why can’t every one be like that, the world would be a much better place.

  6. Monica H says:

    You left a comment on my blog saying you hope you can be of support to me when I need it- you already have. We haven’t “known” eachother for very long, but when I was feeling down, and was frustrated you have been there for me and I truly appreciate it. I thank you for supporting me through my grandmothers illness and for offering encouraging words. This place is already a better place because of you my dear.

  7. Zed says:

    I don’t know really who you are, but I found your blog by querying “I hate bipolar”. In a disturbing way it is good to see this illness drawn from the bowels of hell doesn’t just affect me and me alone, though I couldn’t wish such a condition on my worst enemy. I am medicated, on lithium, but still have some mood swings daily. I hate it when I look in the mirror and feel like an empty shell and as much as I want to cry, I can’t because the medication blocks y tears and makes everything “normal”. if you need someone to talk to there might be some people at http://www.theicarusproject.net that could give a listen. grabbed a zine on bipolar and that was listed on the back. also, feel free to visit my livejournal bipolar comic ramblings at the above website in the form.

    best of luck.

  8. christyna says:

    Thank you Zed. I do have to say I tried a few meds and they made me feel like a shell and I couldn’t cry even when I felt like it or I didn’t care whether I was good or bad, and was a zombie. these were the wrong meds. My doctor told me I should feel like myself and feel all my emotions just have it be lessened and bearable. and I didn’t believe it was possible but I did find one that worked. I was me, I was not a shell, I could cry and most of all I felt better, life had good quality again. I still had moods but I could handle them. I was a rapid cycler, but I could cycle a million times a day not every few days to a week. I really felt crazy. I know I’m not.

    I would talk to your Dr and tell them that you can’t cry. that’s really bad, that you feel like a shell, that lithium is obviously not doing it’s job because feeling like that is almost as bad as no medication.

    I will check out the places you mentioned as well as your journal. you are not alone in this, there is help and support everywhere. Thank you again for reaching out, it means a lot.

  9. cindy says:

    i hate bipolar i feel all alone no one understands me they thank i act silly or nutts or even crazy they just dont know the hell i go through each second not day its seconds of my life i have to give reason for things i think or for why i did the things i did i dont have a reason i just done them then im told well most people has a reason doing that or for saying that well most people dont have to worry that is today the day i cant survive or is today its going to be the day i give up and go completely out of my mind no most people dont have to worry or feel sad just because they woke up i hate how people will say oh just be happy to me that is like saying o just be a millionair and you wont be in debt ok can you tell me how instead of getting knowledge of something people are scared to or lazy or something so they would just rather sit back and put you down for your action why dont they just try to understand you dont know why you do what you do if you did you wouldnt have this terrible illness i feel people dont understand what you are going though so they think o she/he can turn these feeling on/off whenever they want to like i can image your whole family was killed would you be able to laugh i know i couldnt well i know i have my family thank God but what im tring to say sometimes we dont have control of our feelings they take over and when you have what i have its like that all the time no control you are what you are and that is a feather in a tornado you dont know where you are going to land or you dont know what emotion you will have life isnt always fair but you have to play with the hand you was delt and relize you are special because God made you life changed you but you was still created by Gods loving hands

  10. jimmy casey says:

    Hi. I read this post I guess it was a little over a week ago. The whole idea of “hating my bipolar” was intriguing. Really, seriously venting my anger at this demon that has robbed me of so much over the past 25 years. Last week I had a real breakthrough with my depression, which was eating me alive. I honestly think that the really aggressive hate that I directed toward my illness was the catalyst for that. It made me see that *I* am NOT my bipolar. I had blamed myself for so long for things that *I* was not even responsible for. That I had, in so many words, become it’s unwitting partner and grown too comfortable/complacent with it. Emptying my anger, my hatred, all that stuff by separating myself from it and allowing myself to hate *IT* instead was incredibly cathartic and, I believe, liberating. I have not felt as good as I do now in 25 years.TWENTY FIVE YEARS!!! Hard to believe. Everything seems so fresh and new. Like I’ve been re-united with the person I was before the bipolar diagnosis and I’m only just experiencing things I have done, seen, felt, tasted…My only fear is that this could be the genesis of another manic episode. But I really don’t think so. When you’ve been wallowing in depression for that long (once again I have to emphasize: TWENTY FIVE YEARS!!!!!!!) you get so used to it that it’s really frightening, because everything DOES seem so new and even different. But this seed you’ve planted, this advice to hate my bipolar, I think will give me a line of defense against a really bad upper swing (plus, I have faith that the medication I’m on will do that, as it is supposed to). I don’t know why I didn’t think of it, as it sounds like a logical thing to do. But I am glad you did, and I am very grateful. May you have peace as well. JAC

  11. Jodi says:

    I feel your pain!!!

  12. Karen says:

    This may not be the most optimistic post, but as a bipolar mother of a 20-year old, I can honestly say there are times that I doubt that I ever should have had a child. How in the heck did I ever think I could raise a kid when I can’t even take care of myself? I was not properly diagnosed until my son was around 10-11 years old. It took another 4 years to get the right med mix and stabilize me.

    Needless to say, I did plenty of damage to him during his “formative” years that I am now seeing in him as an adult. Also, do you realize that they *think* there is a familial connection for bipolar? Nice to know that not only did I screw him up, but maybe I passed this nice little *gift* along to him.

    If you truly are planning to have a child, think long and hard. Make sure you are in a stable place before you make that decision and make sure you have an extremely stable partner to help you raise that child.

    It’s bad enough having to deal with the episodes. Just wait until the child gets older and the conflicts you experience can trigger an episode in you. Then you can be where I am right now. Wondering if you’ll ever be okay. Feeling so guilty that you “screwed him up”. Wishing it would all just end.

    Sorry…but I sure wish I would have had someone talk straight to me before I had him. He was an unplanned pregnancy, but if I knew then what I know now…maybe I could have been a better mother…or maybe not…

    You have to decide for yourself. Maybe there are other mothers that post here that have done just fine. But I felt the need to share my personal experience.

    Good luck in whatever you decide.

  13. christyna says:

    Karen~ when I posted this I already had a 7 year old son.

    I was diagnosed at 15, My father & grandmother had bipolar (which they believe can actually be a very mild form of schizophrenia when it’s at it’s worst level). It is hereditary and some people never develop it at all, some do.

    In my teenage years I found myself self-medicating with alcohol and drugs (huge thing with mental illness) fortunately despite my bipolar I do not have an addictive personality and never got hooked or ended up in rehab. My first son SAVED my life. I was a train wreck before him and tho it was not easy I did the best I could by him, for him. I got medicated after he was born. it took a while to get the right drugs to work. but at 3 and 4 I would explain Mommy is sick sometimes and and I always love him and always want the best for him, even when I seem like I don’t care. That it is the sickness. like a cold in my head that will never go away but goes to sleep sometimes. and now at almost 9 I explain it differently but I tell him when I feel it coming on, I tell him what to expect, I remind him of how it can be. The key is communication. that is all. keep up with meds, get a set amount of sleep, talk to someone and always communicate with your family.

    Having my 2nd son last Dec nearly sent me to a looney bin. I had postpartum that scared me, my meds were taking too long to kick back in and I was feeling so bad I had horrible dangerous thoughts. I told people. I communicated, I had support, meds doubled, help, and understanding despite how hard it was on my family. I am doing better, but we all have our days and this will never go away.

    while it’s fine to get the “bad days” out at the time and complain and be down you can not dwell on it, you can not allow yourself to let the guilt about something you can never change eat you alive. You need to tell him how you feel. make amends, apologize and open the lines for questions or accusations or blame…so that you can move on. I worry everyday I passed this on to my children, but when you’ve waded through shit the long hard way…you’re better prepared to make that journey an easier less painful one for your kids through experience.

    if you need anything at all email me. I swear. I have been through so much and to help anyone with this disease survive one day feeling understood makes my whole life.

    be well.


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