Archive for December, 2007

I was on a blog I frequent and thanks to Niobe and Basilbean (Basilbean’s post) http://thelittlestbean.blogspot.com/2007/12/my-offer-to-you-free-stuff.html I’ve decided to pass on their wonderful idea. To give something handmade away to the first few posters (not that I have more than 2 on here, unless you count the lurkers).

 The problem I’m having is deciding what to give away/make. I can paint, draw, make crafty things and bake (no I’m not bragging just seriously in need of help narrowing it down.) I am in no way as crafty as Monica H. But I hold my own in the wow that’s cute world of making things.

A few things I can do: Paintings, mainly oil range from portraits to abstract to landscapes (the ones hung in my home are usually brooding and dark). Covered photo albums and/or scrapbooks. Pastel, Charcoal and pencil drawings. Decorative wine bottles, some of which get filled with my fresh herbs and olive oil…I’ve also taken the labels off of jar candles and decorated them which most people seem to want me to do for them around the holidays.

I hope that a few of you will change from lurking status and post and if not at least spread the idea in your blogs. Here’s to giving and passing along the idea…hopefully I can post a few pics on here of my art.

 Devil’s Tree, NJ OIL  Tori A.mos/ OIL  pencil drawing

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another miracle

Posted: 12/14/2007 in life
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another blog I read “year of consolation” also known as “further record” just posted the most wonderful news. They had a healthy very large baby boy, Samuel. What a strong wonderful name, I know quite a few who wore it well, some of them are my family. Congratulations and it’s so good to hear wonderful news like that. Like I said sometimes the world isn’t all bad. There’s hope for all of us, all of you yet. Have a wonderful weekend!! 

1 step forward, 3 steps back

Posted: 12/11/2007 in life
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ever get the feeling that you’re unlucky? or that timing just isn’t something that works out for you? Or maybe that when you find yourself in a good place for once WHAM! you hit a brick wall and stumble back a few paces? I have that feeling today, again for like the millionth time in my short life. I have got to be doing something wrong.

a little history to set this up: On December 31, 2005 I was laid off. I didn’t see it coming and they waited until after the holiday to do it (thinking that at least I’d have a good holiday before my life went into the shitter). I did, spent WAY too much $ and felt even more distraught and sick over it once I realized I was laid off. Thanks a bunch assholes. anyway. I got unemployment, wasn’t even half of my salary. Oh and Walker and I had moved in together 5 months before and were still working the financial kinks out and trying to learn to live together. Needless to say I was depressed, strapped for cash and miserable feeling like a loser who just couldn’t get her shit together. Walker started sneaking my bills and paying them. I finally got a job May 31, 2006, the job market was horrible, and I had to take less than I was worth (and I’m still here with asshole boss I’ve mentioned before). When I got back to work I realized how much $ Walker covered for me and there was no way I could repay it and now he was in debt even more than he already was. That’s a relationship I guess.

so fast forward to now. I finally feel like we’re in an ok place, almost good I’d say. not struggling too much, happy, thinking about trying for a baby.

 WHAM! brick wall. Walker makes less than new hires who have less experience and have lower positions than him, it happenes. But he’s been training these guys. uh huh. HUGE global company. You think they care about one underpaid overworked employee? no they don’t. Shit raises every year. I’ve been hearing about this for months, ignoring it hoping it would right itself. …buzz…buzzz…I have a text that reads: this is bullshit I either need to demand more $ or find another job.

 and here I am, as usual, thinking up worst case because as a parent it’s how I cope so as not to be hit by more brick walls. We end up struggling financially again, even if he waits for a job to hire him before quitting, insurance is screwed up, job security is even less than now cause he’s been there 4 years and he’s starting over. What if it doesn’t work out and we don’t see it coming and he’s laid off? it can happen. We just financed new couches, if I had known he was seriously thinking about a new job, no way would I have okayed that purchase. It’s Holiday season, now I have to cut back even more to make sure our asses are covered if worst case happens. Baby on hold if he switches or thinks he’s switching jobs anytime within the next 12 months. I’m 30 damn it. 30. My son is already 7. I only see a few more years in me that will ok to have one. no idea why but I always said if I didn’t have another by the time I was 33 I wasn’t at all. why? I have trouble keeping up with Anders sometimes. I am so tired of the stress and heartache and failure I’ve had to endure already up to this age and it has been A LOT from 13 til now. I’m tired. I’m just tired. I feel like I get kept down. through no fault of my own most of the time and it takes SO long to crawl back up…only to revel in it a small amount of time and then back down I go. No wonder I’m bipolar, my whole life has been one extreme to next mostly bad. And still here I sit cheering everyone on and up and making them feel better and taking care of everyone until I’m left exhausted and depressed. I’m tired.

 I’m just tired.

tick tock and other odd musings

Posted: 12/10/2007 in healing, life
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ok, so apparently 3rd cycle is a charm? I’m at 28 days this time. so we talked about maybe possibly trying this month or next. some days I’m all for it and some days I’m not. That’s to be expected I suppose.

 Last night I got a little teary laying in bed trying to sleep. I realized that we would have been finding out the sex of our baby this month, right about now. That’s all I get though. a few “we would be” thoughts now and then. a twang of sadness. feeling empty out of nowhere. But it is in no way as bad as it was in Sept. or Oct. Even now seeing my two friends ultra sound pics doesn’t cause me as much heartache.

I don’t feel like I’m forgetting what happened, I feel like I’m not hurting as much about it. I will always love that little bean as if it were still here and I will never forget what happened. But, it is time to try again. I’ve read a few blogs of women who got pregnant soon after to a few months after a loss. They’re conflicted as to how to feel, they’re still healing and they’re worried that it’s a replacement. Truth be told I’m a “replacement”. My Mother miscarried I believe at about 12 to 14 weeks before she got pregnant with me. She then got pregnant with me 3 months later. She has never forgotten the loss, but does remind me, especially now, that if it were not for that loss she would not have me, and in turn would not have her first grandchild, Anders, whom she adores more than anything. I never did feel second best or like she was lacking in the love department. Even after realizing I was born on the anniversary date of her Father’s death when she was 13 years old and that sometimes near my birthday she was very down, I always felt nothing but love.

I was watching the end of Forrest Gump on TNT last night (you can’t not watch it when you come across it) and Tom Hanks said the line about how Momma and Lt. Dan thought that life was either destiny or just floating around accidental like in the wind, while standing at Jenny’s grave. Then he came to the conclusion that he believes it’s both. So do I.

So here goes what I’m sure will be ridiculous speculations and obsessing while ttc. Hopefully I am indeed as fertile as my Mother claims the women in my family are, but even more so that the destiny of the next baby is to be born at the right time so that I can give it all the love I have and the benefit of the somewhat “seasoned” experience I’ve accumulated in the parenting department which was gotten by floating around accidental like.

(p.s. Anders asked if he could have a baby brother on his birthday next year.)

perspective

Posted: 12/05/2007 in guilt, healing, loss
Tags: ,

I’m at work. I’m supposed to be working. I feel like poo. I was fine yesterday. I sat down at like 7:30 realized my throat hurt and I had a headache and this morning I feel terrible. Nothing quite hurts per se, but nothing feels quite right either. I popped a couple extra vitamin C’s and brought some soup to work. I rarely get sick so when I do it feels 10 times worse. So I’ve been screwing around online to avoid actual work and making my head feel worse.

 Christmas is pretty close. I started shopping, then I stopped. I feel okay about it and then I don’t. Unfortunately no matter how I feel about it this year I have to keep up appearances. There is a certain 7 year old who needs and expects it. And he has no idea that sometimes I’m still sad because he never had a clue I was pregnant in the first place. I’m just tired. tired of feeling set back and then tired of feeling guilty about feeling like I just want to heal and move on. I’m tired of being on the fence about trying again right now.

At this time of year though I do try to put things in perspective. There is nothing physically wrong with me, and I will have another child when it happens. Some people try with no result, some people lose their babies after the miracle of conceiving and some even carry close to term and then experience loss. Loss is loss yes but it does pain me and put my loss into perspective to read and hear about what other women who struggle and will struggle and have struggled go through. It is one of the most unfair things I have ever come across. Even at a young age I had empathy for people who wanted children and don’t have them. It’s a terrible world where people can smoke and drink during pregnancy and the baby is fine, and that people who don’t want children or abuse children pop them out like pez and the parents who are so deserving and so desperately want to give love are the ones with the struggle and pain.

Perspective I think is what keeps me going. I’m going to go home tonight and hug Anders and send all of you hopeful struggling moms out there a thought and a prayer. (I’d kiss him but I don’t want him to catch my cold).