Archive for October, 2007

Happy Halloween!! 2007

Posted: 10/30/2007 in life
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The Whole Gang  Disney/Fairytale characters

the whole gang & then  Snow White, Goldilocks & Red Ridinghood…I was Goldilocks. enjoy. I couldn’t figure out how to post full size pics. oh well. this works too.


hangover central: party of 1

Posted: 10/26/2007 in life

WARNING: this has spelling, grammatical & capitalization errors out the wazoo, bite me I’m tired.

ok ok my boss is in Vegas at a conference, he’s also sending messages and more work like he didn’t leave enough. He so left enough. and I’m ill so I took a break from his nauseating voice on the dictations he left me.

Last night I had a few glasses of wine with my bestest, C, it was a rose pino grigio. It was pretty good. By 10:30 she was falling alseep on the couch so I decided to leave and go home. My friend who is moving to Colorado soon called. he was at a bar between my house and C’s. So I stop in, I get through like 3 sips of beer and realize I probably shouldn’t have driven that 1/2 mile to the bar. It’s really odd, i felt fine 10 minutes before that. I order water, Walker stops in long story short we stay out til 2am (we’ve been known to do this on occasion ha ha I like being a social butterfly) but the weirdest thing is that I had water from say 10:30 pm til 2:00 am. I was completely shitfaced the whole time including when I got home and I am nursing one hell of a hangover.

I ate dinner. I only had 3 glasses of wine. It wasn’t our usual semi cheap, we can drink an entire bottle and feel nothing the next day wine. It was somewhat expensive wine. Did someone at the refinery stick roofies in the bottle before sealing them? It’s insane to me that I could be that drunk on 3 glasses and drink water for hours and not feel any better…..

 kill me please my head hurts, I feel like I need to puke and I’m at work….this too shall pass. I’m too old to drink on a work night (that is the first time I’ve ever said that). good for me I’m an adult ha ha ha when did that happen?

In the beginning (my story)

Posted: 10/26/2007 in life
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I’m 30 and I have a son who will be 7 in November.  He’s wonderful, he was a surprise (especially at 23 years old). He changed my life and showed me from the minute the stick got 2 lines that I was and was made to be a Mom and that I love being a Mom.  I’m divorced, it really is better for everyone that was involved. Great Dads don’t necessarily make great husbands…

I live with my boyfriend Walker and my son Anders. I’ve known Walker for 12 years but we have only been together for 3.

Early August of 2007 I was late, I knew deep down I was pregnant, but didn’t share that info yet. So I waited a few more days and  I took a hpt and what do you know 2 lines!  We were happy, elated, silly & full of dreams.

 It seems to me now , after, that I didn’t feel well the whole time, more emotional than I think I should have been, uncomfortably bloated to the point of tears everyday when getting dressed and so on. I was kinda crampy the whole time too, but I was with my first child in the beginning.  I got used to all this and said every pregnancy is different. This was Walker’s first child. Needless to say he was on cloud 9. I asked him to keep quiet until further along. and he did, we both did for about 2 weeks, then I was feeling bad because it was his first and he was about to burst at the seams, so I said tell your mother. and I told mine.

On Friday August 31st I left for North Carolina to visit 2 friends of mine for a long weekend. A little shopping, a lot of eating, catching up, watching movies. It was awesome, I’d missed them SO much. On Labor Day we went to the mall and I bought Walker a Duke shirt, and despite my better judgment I bought a Duke onesie (pure genius right?).  We got back to the condo around 3pm, I  went to the bathroom and I was spotting. I thought ok this is normal. I’m fine. I then started to get crampy in my lower back. I thought, still could be okay. I called my Mother who lives in Florida and asked her for her thoughts. She said if you’re cramping it’s not a great sign go to the hospital. I waited, part of me knew it was a done deal, the spotting got a little darker and a little heavier and by 5 pm I asked Joe to take me to the ER.

I was poked, violated, starved, confused and scared  for the next 7 hours. I even saw and heard the heartbeat before the tech turned down the volume and turned away the screen. it sounded slower than it should have I’m sure of it. In the end all the Dr. could tell me was that it was a threatened miscarriage, but my hormone levels were that of someone about 2 to 3 weeks pregnant despite my being around 7 weeks and within the next 2 to 3 days I would most likely miscarry. My boyfriend is in NJ. My Mother is in Florida. I’m in North Carolina  with 2 of my good friends. Devastated is not even the word. My world just fell apart. I was discharged around midnight.

I was due to leave at 5:30 am the next morning to drive home. I debated whether or not to wait a day or fly home or I have no idea. So, I decided I was determined to drive home. It’s normally an 8.5 hour drive with little to no traffic.  I left around 6:30 am on September 4.  I felt like I was being chased by the devil himself the whole way up 95 trying to be calm and cautious but sometimes breaking down and crying, telling myself and my baby we were gonna make it home. I just needed to breathe and stay focused. I stopped twice for gas. I did not stop for food and I would not stop to go to the bathroom. I was gonna make damn sure I didn’t leave that little bean on Rt. 95.  I drove home on sheer will.  I arrived home around 2:00 pm. There was NO traffic at all the whole way home, I made it in 7 hours and 30 minutes. it was an 8.5 hour ride.

 Walker was still at work. I was alone. I held our dog on the kitchen floor and cried. I laid on the couch and cried and napped and tried to watch TV. I was having very strong cramps all the way home and at this point they intensified. I knew there was nothing I could do, and judge me if you must, but I poured a half a glass of wine and I took 2 advil, in hopes that it would at least ease the physical pain. It did slightly.

between 3:30 and 4:00pm on September 4th I lost the baby. and as if that wasn’t the worst part, I sat on the bathroom floor sobbing in a mental struggle of flush or don’t flush. How horrible to go through losing something that I had already imagined holding, feeding, loving and now I had to flush it? and I’m alone? How is this fair? What kind of G_d would do this to people?

Walker came home around 4:00 and we cried together cause he knew when he saw me it was over. He still had hope because it wasn’t his body and he didn’t “know” for two days that there was nothing we could do and I didn’t have the heart to tell him before it happened that there was no hope at all.

Kinda of makes buying the onesie that much harder. It’s in a drawer and I haven’t the heart to even open the drawer. I wonder if we’ll ever use it? and now if you go back and read the first blog it may make more sense as I have a wonderful man, and a wonderful son and I’m happy. But sometimes I ask myself, why can’t that be enough? Shouldn’t that be enough?

Captain Crankypants

Posted: 10/24/2007 in depression, life

It’s gray, it’s raining. Fits my mood, or did it sway my mood to fit the weather?

I’m tired and a wee bit cranky. (being at a job when I HATE my boss doesn’t exactly help the mood either though). This would be the week I ovulate. So we’ve been ttc. Last night neither one of us wanted to bother. We were tired, spent and ready for sleep. I didn’t even feel like it this morning to make up for it. Oh well. The only true bad part of that is if, and I say if cause we have to always hope, I get AF I’ll be upset and be mad that we skipped yesterday. eh. shit happens.

I’m young, I’m healthy and for the most part happy. I can muddle through a cranky gray day with the best of them. 

sidenote: I felt small sharp (but not really painful) shooting pains on my right side last night and this morning (ovulation no doubt) but I’ve been crampy, not AF crampy tho, for like 2 days. The fertility pee sticks I have done once a day everyday since Friday say no ovulation….what is up with all the contradictory signs? Thinking about all this makes me tired and makes the process a little bit less joyful. I say next month we leave it up to chance….

I almost quit my job today

Posted: 10/23/2007 in life

the short version:

 When I was hired about 1 1/2 years ago I was told there are no set sick days per se, just don’t take advantage and call out once a week.

 So during my review I found out my “sick/vacation” clock did not “reset” in January. He was going from when I was hired so they reset in June until next May (stupid, confusing and pointless but that was fine with me).

 This morning I return to work to find a post it on my check stub that says:

I will not pay you for any more sick days in 2007.

2 problems with this:

1. My sick and vacation days go from june to may, so saying I get “new sick days” in 2008 cause I took too many in 2007 doesn’t quite add up. The only sick days I took from June 2007 until now are 1 day for pink eye and 3 days after my miscarriage.

 2. the biggest problem of all, his insinuation that by having a miscarriage I was taking advantage of his “no set amount of sick days” policy. Meanwhile I’m salary, so I never get paid for any overtime, yet he basically considers me hourly in the way that if I take a half day or leave for an extra hour he expects me to make up hours to cover them??

So I asked that he pay me as an hourly employee with no sick days only my allotted vacation days, to avoid confusion, and stress. I only get paid if I’m here and I’ll write up my hours and hand them in at payroll time. Thus if I work extra I get over time and if I work and hour or two less, he can subtract it from my pay. I’m sick of him treating me like shit cause he’s cheap and in a bad mood.

I’m looking for another job now, hopefully one pops up before long because I almost quit today. If I didn’t have a kid, I would have quit today. He’s an insensitive prick and I can’t wait to get out of this office.

dream weaver

Posted: 10/18/2007 in guilt, healing

Let me start out by saying that it is a very rare occasion if I remember any of my dreams once I’ve woken up. maybe once a month and it’s bits and pieces at that and then completely forgotten by the days end.

The passed few weeks I’ve been remembering big parts of dreams I’ve had. Or realizing I remember them when something sparks the memory.

The first one I recall having a few weeks ago is that I was in a labor & delivery room, it was bright, there was lots of confusion. My Dr. (a man I’ve never seen before) was telling me it was time to push. I was trying to tell him that I wasn’t far enough along to be in labor in fact I wasn’t even pregnant that I could recall.  I wasn’t even showing yet or anything. He insisted that didn’t matter. Next thing I know I’m looking at a large, pudgie, little boy with peach skin, dark hair, dark eyes and huge dimples (i can still recall the face in detail, which is odd and despite being an artist I doubt I could ever lay it down on paper). I’m still confused and still in shock.  I start asking questions and wake up.

The next few are just pieces but they are the same really. (So it took from the Sept 4th m/c til October 9th to get my first AF. which happened to be the very day I’d have been 12 weeks along) I had a dream that despite getting AF, I was indeed pregnant already and that was spotting only. that’s all I recall from the first one. Then I recall worrying about a few glasses of wine I had, or the fact that I had a few cigarettes. Other dreams I would worry about insurance coverage and the fact that I skipped my vitamins on any given day. These little thoughts tend to blend with my life while awake and make me wonder should I eat this, or drink that. I know, a bit ridiculous, but hey I haven’t had a cigarette in almost 5 days and haven’t been jonesing for one either which we all know is a huge help with my health and any future child.

I know full well I’m not pregnant. I also know full well these dreams are a combination of losing a baby and wanting to try again soon. Subconscious guilt and blame for losing, subconscious avoidance of guilt and blame should anything go wrong again down the line? I suppose if I have all my ducks in a row the better off I am, except that you can’t plan and prepare for loss, accidents, and such…they just happen. The randomness of it all is quite unsettling.

it sneaks up on you

Posted: 10/13/2007 in life
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I have been running on empty. Doing twice as much alone. W is helping his father move from VA to Wyoming (no idea). So I have been Mom, Dad, Teacher, Tutor, Friend, Entertainer, Launderer, Dish washer…and so on…alone. stressed and spread thin are not even the words.

 A few months ago, actually a few days before I got a positive hpt, I ordered Tori Amos tickets for me and a friend. I found out she too was pregnant around the same time I tested positive, she was about 2 weeks ahead of me. Well, I bring this up because the concert is tonight. I am no longer pregnant and she is. She is 15 weeks, healthy as can be. I am so happy for her, not only is she a great Mom already she’s a wonderful person. 3 days ago I would have been at 12 weeks, I would have been all good, barring any unforseen future problems, Tuesday was also when Aunt Flo decided to drop in for the fist time Since Sept. 3rd.  Today this is what I’m hearing in my head: You would have been 12 weeks on Tuesday, here’s your period to remind you of your loss. Enjoy the concert tonight with your friend who’s at 15 weeks and doing fine to remind you of your loss, enjoy your day and try not to get emotional.

I think I need a vacation from my life. I think I need W to come home and hug me, I think I miss my baby.