Archive for September, 2007

I didn’t RSVP for a reason

Posted: 09/26/2007 in life

I will never understand why people think it is okay to drop you into the middle of their drama. It upsets everything Walker and I have been trying to accomplish. We’ve been trying to deal with the very early loss of our baby. Oh that baby was loved from the minute the 2 lines showed up. We never even thought in a million year we’d lose it at 7 weeks. 7 weeks. You can fall in love, imagine a face, look forward to holding your love and the bond between parents just growing closer. and in a 1 to 5 statistic it’s gone, and after 7 to 14 days it’s out of everyone’s minds so they think you’re over it. We’re not. Yeah some days you kinda forget, you’re busy or it’s a good day but it’s still there. waiting for a moment to remind you. You see a baby, or you think when this baby is…oh there is no baby. you touch your stomach. You wonder what kind of G-d could do this to people?

I’m really sick of people dragging us into their personal bullshit, their drama, their marital problems, their insecurities because more and more it seems like they want sympathy and attention not someone to listen or suggest. And in turn when they’re “fine” the next day make you feel like a jerk for even caring you wanna smack them. I don’t need that! I don’t need you stressing me out and making Walker upset. we have our own problems, our own issues, our own lives to live and lately I feel like no one wants to let us live it. We want peace, quiet, love, a little more simplicity…. doubt that’s ever gonna happen around these parts.

Thanks for the invite to your drama, your pity party, your desperate need for attention but we didn’t RSVP for a reason.

guilty?

Posted: 09/20/2007 in guilt, life, loss, struggle

it always amazes me my ability to throw myself at someone else’s woes. I’m sure it’s most often just the promise of distraction that does it, and always because it’s someone I love dearly.

 I have a friend, C. she was seeing someone who lived in Ireland. They were so happy in love. It seemed impossible to meet someone online and fall that hard, and fall even harder when seeing them multiple times in person. But she did, they did. All seemed well too for a long time, she had even gone back and forth contemplating leaving her life here in the states, her friends and family and moving there to be with him. Well thankfully, she didn’t. He was here, he was supposed to be here for 2 more weeks. He left. He let her go to work on Monday and went through her things including her computer, apparently searching for some kind of incriminating evidence of cheating. There was none, there is none. She’s as loyal and trustworthy as they come. So when she found out he did this she made a “dig” and said well then I should check your mails…(she had no intention of doing so and was about to tell him as much and that she trusted him when he turned red, put his head down and acted guilty himself) so she checked ,there was a particular woman that he seemed to converse with intimately enough for her to type things like “give your son sweet dream kisses for me” and for him to type “C will be at work all day out of the house, I’ll be online”.

So I acknowledged the pain but went straight for advice and logical thinking. He was the one doing something wrong, he felt so guilty that he had hoped to find something on C’s end that would make him less guilty or her just a guilty. The plan backfired and now they are in separate countries once again wondering what happened. Only he copied her hard drive and is going through the entire thing sitting online in Ireland right now and told her he was doing it. Still looking for something to make him feel less guilty?

Why can’t people just be happy? With all the bad things that can and do happen, with all the struggle, with all the loss….isn’t it just a little bit of happiness we really want?

So that was my distraction today, spent a bit too much time on myspace and I do have some work to do….everyone needs a break right?

I stumbled onto a blog on this site when I was looking for something that made me feel less alone, less misunderstood, more hopeful.

I found it. So now here I am “anonomously” venting, purging, healing. I’m just a girl trying to navigate her way through a life that hasn’t always been so kind to me. I’m not whining or looking for sympathy just trying to rid myself of damaging baggage if you will, and maybe along the way I can help just one more person on this planet to feel understood and less alone and possibly do the same for myself. 

I found a poem the other day online by a woman with quite a few children who was experiencing postpartum, now whether it be from miscarriage or just regular child birth I don’t recall, but two things struck a chord in the poem:

 the first being that she wrote “there are good days and there are other days” something about a fog creeping in. and then that the fog would take over and her 6 year old son would reach up and say I love you Mommy, and she’d have to remind herself to smile.

The second was at the end she says something about having so many things to be thankful for, why can’t it be enough?

 I was in tears reading this because I felt like this, I feel like this.

I have a beautiful, loving, smart 6 year old son. He’s empathetic and sensitive. I also lost a baby (embryo as the doctors referred to it) on September 4th. Why can’t having my 6 year old be enough some days? I thought I was being an awful Mother thinking that for even 2 minutes. I know now that it’s ok to feel empty. I know now that it is ok to be angry or upset, and contrary to the ever popular “it was for the best” and “you’ll be just fine” I get from others, some days I’m not and that’s okay too.

This could be the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in my life and I’ve been through quite a bit at my young age of 30. I know I’m not alone and I know some have it worse.  This is another part in my journey in life.