for real? October 15, 2009

I’m a witch, snarky, mean, short fused, pissy witch (My poor family).

I feel so alone and mean and misunderstood. I’m still dealing with so much internally and quite a few things “externally”. I actually can admit I don’t like myself. I don’t like anyone. I love my kids, I love Walker. I dislike me, how I feel and they way I have been acting.

I have an overwhelming feeling of dread, worry, being trapped. I feel like I have mini panic attacks that I talk myself down from a couple times a month. It’s 10 times worse during PMS and Aunt Flo.

Though, I still feel so much better than I did with the bipolar and post partum at its worst. I haven’t had a dangerous, irrational or harmful thought in quite some time. I mean I wish I could get in my car sometimes and run away and change my name, but I think we all do at some point, it’s an escape in our own minds.

I miss drinking copious amount of alcohol and being retarded with my friends on occasion. The hangover w/a baby isn’t even worth it anymore. I miss my friends. Why? They ditched me over something really stupid last year the day after my birthday. 4 months before Chase was due and said “good luck with the baby”, but never said they were “done” though I knew you don’t say that if you’ll be around 4 months down the road. I stood by one of them when their marriage fell apart cause she got “mind fucked” by her affair guy who was also a seriously shitty cop. He had several girls, pitted them against each other played with their heads and he’s married. He was a prize. Helped her get rid of him and work it out with her husband who she belonged with and became happy with him again, then her mom’s brain cancer came back and I held her and her family up while she systematically shut down and died over the course of 8 months. During which they were terrible to me (I didn’t hold it against them, my mom isn’t sick I can’t comprehend and didn’t take offense). One of their daughters is a bad seed; she stole from me and lied. Though it was a dumb thing to steal and meant nothing it was the principal, steal and lie…not ok.…they didn’t get it and basically left me.

I find it very hard to trust people now, especially women. My sex life sucks, mostly cause I hate my body, I hate my skin and I can’t even stand to think about being naked or touched most of the time. Not that we have time, or privacy most days and nights. Once or twice a month is not nearly ok. I think I want it, I plan on it earlier in the day and then I purposely lay down and pass out on the couch cause I just can’t do it.

I love Chase, but some days I still do not like him very much. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m mean to Walker. I fly off  the handle SO easy. I do it in front of Anders now, I don’t care. That’s so bad. I try to go outside and calm myself, and yeah sometimes it works. Better than never I suppose.

I think I miss me. I haven’t been me or felt like me in forever, since before I lost the baby, that’s been a long time. It changes you…and I don’t know how to be this person and be happy.

I feel stuck. A lot, I feel stuck. With no one to commiserate or understand or just listen anymore. No one but you.

the root of all evil October 6, 2009

money.

so i don’t have much time to write the blog I want. This economy is slowly killing us consumers.

Walker isn’t getting a raise or bonus this year (but they are doing that to not have lay offs, so thats good). But we seem to be paying more and taking in less. it never ends.

I’m going to ask the bosses for a couple extra hours a week to help out. 2 kids birthdays (1 with a party at a hall) and Christmas….I know right now we don’t have it. So we gotta figure out ways to budget better, cut back, stop bleeding money.

anyone have any suggestions that are right under my nose and I don’t see them? (like most people).

light at the end of the tunnel. September 22, 2009

9 months

I’m feeling better, most days.

Chase’s Dr said He doesn’t need to eat. Starving kids sleep 12 hours all over the world. Do not feed him for at least 7 hours, do not pick him up, do not make eye contact. Tell him its bed time and let him cry. the first day it took an hour, he slept 6 in a row after that, 15 mins and back to bed after eating. The next night about 40 mins and slept for 6 1/2 ate and back to bed (he eats around 5 and sleeps again til 6:45) Last night he did about6 1/2. I know he can go 7 to 8 hours without a bottle the new problem is he has a bottle at 6 or 7 and goes to bed (we can not stop him he’s miserable) then he wants a bottle at 11 or so and then he gets up around 5, so it would work perfectly if he ate at 9 and slept til 5 but he won’t stay up past 7:30 pm. ) ANY suggestions???

he is getting better slowly, which is great, his timing is just seriously off. He eats a lot of solid food and stage 3 so the Dr said he’s not hungry he’s playing you, but I can’t in good conscience make him got from 6:30 pm until 6 am without a bottle cause he only takes 6oz at a time. Basically we need to shift him up to eating at 8 or 9 and then going to bed…but how????????

***and thanks to Monica for donating to our team for the breast cancer walk!! More people should be like you!!! Hope starts with US!!!!

the biggest things August 18, 2009

that helped me realize I need help.

disclaimer: I have no doubt that there isn’t judgement for these thoughts from my friends on here but there could be from lurkers and/or strangers happening through. If you feel the need to comment negatively just don’t comment at all please.

2 thoughts I had that scared the shit out of me.

1. I wonder if Anders would get over my death or it would scar him for life? (Chase would be too young to remember me).

2. If I smothered him he’d never hurt again and I’d get some sleep (um hello?!?! I knew I wouldn’t but the thought alone is so awful I was ashamed I even went there at all)

and the other 2 main things were comments from other people.

1. I don’t remember what I was doing but I text Walker that I was going where ever and his response was “try to have fun, try to smile”. and I thought am I really that bad? yeah I am.

2. Anders accidentally broke a small mirror I use for make-up. He apologized profusely, I told him it wasn’t a big deal and I wasn’t mad. He kept apologizing all night, and said I know you’re probably mad and just waiting to get me (as in torture w/tickles or scare him or get mad) he apparently has been walking on eggshells around me and trying his hardest to be at his Dad’s more than home.

these 4 things alone lit a fire under my ass to get help, cause while I’d at this point never do more than ponder the thoughts, I’ve seen what not getting help and not telling people you aren’t ok can lead to down the road. Poor Andrea Yates, I swear to god I know how she could do it, it’s terrible and I am not shifting blame or saying it was a great idea but I can sympathize with her state of mind and how sick she really was. That poor family.

Walker’s Mom took the baby over night last night, and wouldn’t it just figure that after 8 months of no sleep I woke up at 2:30 and 5 am anyway? of course not having to get out of bed and feed or comfort a screaming infant was great either way.

I feel better just knowing I helped myself and am working at it. the doubled meds for only six days are starting to take some of the edge off on my snipping and snapping at people (though I almost threw a chicken in the garbage for not being done when it should have been Sunday night, but I didn’t cry or retreat to my room or yell at anyone else like I have been). Of course the littlest things can make me cry but thats a given I’m hoping therapy helps me find ways of coping with this.

 

I also now know that a lot of what happened between my ex and I was mostly due to the birth of Anders making my bipolar ten fold then the wrong meds 3 times screwing up my sex life, my interest in anything I loved, and my general state of mind, I didn’t care at all. people would ask if I was happy I’d say I just don’t care if I’m happy or sad (walking zombie type feelings). I would have eventually left him because of his Mother issues and other things, but i have no doubt that made it worse faster. It is what it is right? learn and move on.

I will not let this ruin my relationship with Walker. It took me so long to find happiness that wasn’t work all the time. It’s always work but this wasn’t just me working at it. We’re a team and he’s so wonderful. He tried to make my birthday great, it wasn’t a complete wash but it was a struggle that day. The rest of the weekend was much better incl. him calling out and we went to the beach. It was a good day all around. I’ll take it.

I’m also calling a dermatologist, because on top of all this I am still breaking out like a 15 year old and looking in the mirror either makes my angry or upset, not good, especially right now. I’m gonna ask about a peel or treatment cause they are also scarring my skin, not pretty.

Thank you guys for being here and being you. I really need and appreciate it.

full circle August 14, 2009

let’s just say after anders I had to go onto medication and have therapy. my marriage fell apart as a result of several factors my bipolar and the first few choices of meds to be included.

I had my meds doubled this week and made an appt with a therapist. I’ve been bad. post partum is bad, w/bipolar it is worse. I’ve had thoughts I don’t care to delve into right now.

I’m unhappy with myself, I’m SO tired & there are a lot of days I can’t do this, that I don’t want to do this. Chase is 8 months old and still does not sleep. I found out I was pregnant this weekend 2 years ago and I was not pregnant by that same labor day. This year has hit me worse than last year already.

I’ve been unbearable to say the least. my poor family. It makes me feel even worse that this has affected them.

I’m not in a good place but at least I know I reached out for help and will feel better sooner rather than later. I hope so.

it’s always the way the cookie crumbles (but I don’t have to like it) July 17, 2009

and other tall tales

hello all, remember me? I have been hiding underground, trying to avoid everything, it’s so not working. I told myself for the last 2 weeks write a blog, read some blogs…and never got to it.

Chase slept better and in his crib for like 3 weeks…yay. BUT Walkers nephew and neice are up with his sister. Since his Mom watches Chase guess where they are all day? My house disrupting naps and schedules. His crib was in Anders room, now it is in our room so he can nap…which he isn’t doing well cause of said children’s ruckus. His Mom went in for emergency Gall Bladder surgery 2 weeks ago Saturday, so Walker’s Sister has been “helping” more like being a royal pain in the lazy effing bitch. So with Chase’s crib in our room, we don’t let him cry it out as much because he’s in our room and hello we need sleep. and even though he was doing great he started not sleeping the other day, screaming, nothing worked. not gas meds, not tylenol, not diaper changing nothing so guess who’s in our bed again. 2 days of this and what to my wandering eyes should appear but a miniature tooth stub broken through the gums!! OMG he has a tooth. OMG he’s a HORRIBLE teether. he hasn’t slept for 4 days, neither have we…yay. I have resigned myself for the fact that he will always be the “worst case scenario” according to the stats. as in: most babies once the first tooth breaks through have an easier time. Chase has decided he will never be “most babies”.

I’m tired, I’m always broke and I just keep feeling like I should look at the good and know eventually it will get better and just thinking there has got to be something more. my gratitude journal has consisted of things like: twisted teas, true blood with my sister, my hair still rocks,  walker staying up with Chase one night here and there so I can sleep a little.

obviously everyone being healthy and all that is also but how sad are the rest of those? ha ha. I even have to laugh at myself. it could be worse and I need to remember that.

so you’re not missing nothing by missing my attendance here really. but I am missing a lot on here by not being here so it’s time to play catch up yet again.

oh wait I fell off the exercise wagon because of non sleeping child and non helping in the am walker…haven’t gained it back yet but it hasn’t changed so there’s another defeat I’m seriously feeling inside and out.

wordless wednesday~ (ef u & chop chop) ~ June 24, 2009

oops, really? it’s been a month?!! June 1, 2009

holy freaking living in a black deep dark hole that instead of climbing out of I brought a pillow and an ipod down with me as if to say “fuck it, I may as well get comfortable”. you know what? fuck you hole.

hows that sound? fuck you right in the eye.

so hi everyone. here’s a list of what equals hole and taking the escalator down further every day:

1. my weight (incuding the way clothing fits or rather DOESN’T fit) 
2. my skin (can I please have 1 pimple a month until I turn 28 and then get progressively worse as the years go so that while I’m suffering from horrible body image I have acne a dermatologist would pity looking at)
3. (what’s with the 3 being larger?) Lack of sleep=lack of energy, want, care, sex…and so on leads to over eating, eating crap and laziness…which leads to : see #1 above.
4. meds taking WAY too long to work after coming off for 2-3 ish weeks due to lack of money (fuck you insurance company and “helpful” mail in maint. meds).
5. #4 causing several panic attacks/ nervous breakdowns, numerous meltdowns in which I can only function curled into the fetal position crying my eyes out until I snot on myself OR screaming lake a psycho at the 2 people who I love the most feeling even worse after, leading to fetal position result after screaming has ended.
6. lack of sex. I mean do I have to explain that one to any woman with bad self image issues and/or moms??
7. lack of money. again do I need to explain?
8. lack of time. Can I put in a request for 8 days weeks with 36 hours in everyday? anyone else??

I’m quite sure there is more but my work day is nearing the end and I must go. But I have set a goal or 3 and I will unveil these goals in another post within the next 48 hours (attainable posting goal!)

My boys are still cute, one still sleeps iffy but does occasionally now sleep 5 to 6 hours OMG crazy right?? only took 6 months!!

kisses hugs ranting screaming giving the finger angrily…

me

a different angle, maybe March 18, 2009

if I’m PPD and/or crazy (aren’t we all?) then I suppose instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself (as if that can be helped) I can inform, help or just let someone else know they are not alone…even if I’m still feeling miserable while doing so. does that make sense?  If one woman feels better knowing this happens or is kinda the norm and no one else in their immediate lives with validate those facts maybe I can be the one who does.

so today’s “for instance” is: I have felt physically like I have been crying and sobbing for days…yet I haven’t cried once. (if this has never happened to you it sounds ridiculous, let me tell you it is the strangest most draining experience in my life). anyone ever feel like that?  you aren’t alone and yes you’re insane grab a straight jacket and meet me for happy hour

here’s a humorous bee in my bonnet (who the hell says that?) Dan.cing with the stars, Belinda Carlisle got old, is seriously stiff and can not dance (who knew? guess she don’t got the beat ha ha!) and being of said “old age” reminds me of my downstairs neighbor whom I hate. a lot. so now I can not listen to the Go-Go’s (who still listens to the Go-Gos?) or I get weak and heaven is a place on earth cause they make me angry ha ha ha. ridiculous!

October!! October 2, 2008

It’s October!?!? what? that can’t be? it’s October? really? ha ha

My C-section has been scheduled for Dec 12, 2008 at 3 pm (giving me eating time up to 7 am…guess who’s getting up at 4 eating til 7 and going back to bed?) and also guess who is getting tol 5 or 6 pm and not 3? ha ha ha Walker’s mom. yeah she’s gotten on my last nerve for the last time and I am ready to blow, so in avoidance she gets lied to and then can deal with our way or not at all. For christ’s sake I’m 31 and this is my 2ndkid, I did alright so far with #1 and barely any help, now I have Walker.

So I’m nervous, it is surgery after all. andI am having those normal but irrational fears…what if something is wrong with him? what if something goes wrong? what if I am a horrible parent? and so on…normal and irrational. I am SUPER uncomfortable and in pain to the point of tears these days by 7pm. he has got to be VERY long because I know he’s awake by the instant burning stabbing pains in my right side ribs front andback that do not go away with tylenol, Ice barely helps and heat barely helps tylenolis like a cruel joke in the 3rd trimester…it’s like oh your leg is hanging on by a piece of skin? here’s a bandaid, the small round kind…asses!

The Dr told me (the only one of three I hadn’t seen yet and who is now my favorite!) I am the perfect pregnant woman, I gained the perfect amount of weight and she adores me. The baby is already head down, thus the rib kicking, he’s a nice sized boy as she says. he still has man junk, so no mistakes for his rude grandmother who was still hoping they were wrong, I only gained 4 more lbs (even being weighed after lunch) I’m at 29 1/2 weeks andI have gained a total of 21 lbs. How I did 45 lbs with anders and lived to tell about it I’ll never know.

My shower, that I had to quickly put together because my MIL failed miserably to do so in VA and nearly screwed us over is Nov 1 at my house. She’s an asshole. I made 2 lists, food and guests. half the guests offered to bring a tray of something and I ordered invites online that arrived in 4 days. They are mailed out and I have a complete menu for 20 to 25 ppl. Not bad for 2 days work huh? and she’s had since July and screwed it all up. the only reliable thing about walkers mom is that she is always 99% unreliable. I always forget about that….I won’t anymore.

so that’s my update folks. been busy with work, cleaning up MIL messes, planning a shower, Anders soccer and school blah blah blah….I am seriously looking fwd to Dec. last day of work is Dec 5th…I go back if all is well Jan 19th or so. that will be a nice break.

Hope all is well, I miss you and have tried to leave a comment here or there for you guys, but I will be back on here this weekend with pics and another post as I only have Soccer at 10 am Sat and Anders is with his Dad this weekend…ahhh relaxation.