full circle August 14, 2009

let’s just say after anders I had to go onto medication and have therapy. my marriage fell apart as a result of several factors my bipolar and the first few choices of meds to be included.

I had my meds doubled this week and made an appt with a therapist. I’ve been bad. post partum is bad, w/bipolar it is worse. I’ve had thoughts I don’t care to delve into right now.

I’m unhappy with myself, I’m SO tired & there are a lot of days I can’t do this, that I don’t want to do this. Chase is 8 months old and still does not sleep. I found out I was pregnant this weekend 2 years ago and I was not pregnant by that same labor day. This year has hit me worse than last year already.

I’ve been unbearable to say the least. my poor family. It makes me feel even worse that this has affected them.

I’m not in a good place but at least I know I reached out for help and will feel better sooner rather than later. I hope so.

i still miss you August 31, 2008

even tho its been a year, and your little brother kicks me all day everyday where you lived for such a short time, I haven’t forgotten that you were there first. Neither has your Daddy. We love you.

in limbo September 14, 2007

I stumbled onto a blog on this site when I was looking for something that made me feel less alone, less misunderstood, more hopeful.

I found it. So now here I am “anonomously” venting, purging, healing. I’m just a girl trying to navigate her way through a life that hasn’t always been so kind to me. I’m not whining or looking for sympathy just trying to rid myself of damaging baggage if you will, and maybe along the way I can help just one more person on this planet to feel understood and less alone and possibly do the same for myself. 

I found a poem the other day online by a woman with quite a few children who was experiencing postpartum, now whether it be from miscarriage or just regular child birth I don’t recall, but two things struck a chord in the poem:

 the first being that she wrote “there are good days and there are other days” something about a fog creeping in. and then that the fog would take over and her 6 year old son would reach up and say I love you Mommy, and she’d have to remind herself to smile.

The second was at the end she says something about having so many things to be thankful for, why can’t it be enough?

 I was in tears reading this because I felt like this, I feel like this.

I have a beautiful, loving, smart 6 year old son. He’s empathetic and sensitive. I also lost a baby (embryo as the doctors referred to it) on September 4th. Why can’t having my 6 year old be enough some days? I thought I was being an awful Mother thinking that for even 2 minutes. I know now that it’s ok to feel empty. I know now that it is ok to be angry or upset, and contrary to the ever popular “it was for the best” and “you’ll be just fine” I get from others, some days I’m not and that’s okay too.

This could be the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in my life and I’ve been through quite a bit at my young age of 30. I know I’m not alone and I know some have it worse.  This is another part in my journey in life.