for real? October 15, 2009

I’m a witch, snarky, mean, short fused, pissy witch (My poor family).

I feel so alone and mean and misunderstood. I’m still dealing with so much internally and quite a few things “externally”. I actually can admit I don’t like myself. I don’t like anyone. I love my kids, I love Walker. I dislike me, how I feel and they way I have been acting.

I have an overwhelming feeling of dread, worry, being trapped. I feel like I have mini panic attacks that I talk myself down from a couple times a month. It’s 10 times worse during PMS and Aunt Flo.

Though, I still feel so much better than I did with the bipolar and post partum at its worst. I haven’t had a dangerous, irrational or harmful thought in quite some time. I mean I wish I could get in my car sometimes and run away and change my name, but I think we all do at some point, it’s an escape in our own minds.

I miss drinking copious amount of alcohol and being retarded with my friends on occasion. The hangover w/a baby isn’t even worth it anymore. I miss my friends. Why? They ditched me over something really stupid last year the day after my birthday. 4 months before Chase was due and said “good luck with the baby”, but never said they were “done” though I knew you don’t say that if you’ll be around 4 months down the road. I stood by one of them when their marriage fell apart cause she got “mind fucked” by her affair guy who was also a seriously shitty cop. He had several girls, pitted them against each other played with their heads and he’s married. He was a prize. Helped her get rid of him and work it out with her husband who she belonged with and became happy with him again, then her mom’s brain cancer came back and I held her and her family up while she systematically shut down and died over the course of 8 months. During which they were terrible to me (I didn’t hold it against them, my mom isn’t sick I can’t comprehend and didn’t take offense). One of their daughters is a bad seed; she stole from me and lied. Though it was a dumb thing to steal and meant nothing it was the principal, steal and lie…not ok.…they didn’t get it and basically left me.

I find it very hard to trust people now, especially women. My sex life sucks, mostly cause I hate my body, I hate my skin and I can’t even stand to think about being naked or touched most of the time. Not that we have time, or privacy most days and nights. Once or twice a month is not nearly ok. I think I want it, I plan on it earlier in the day and then I purposely lay down and pass out on the couch cause I just can’t do it.

I love Chase, but some days I still do not like him very much. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m mean to Walker. I fly off  the handle SO easy. I do it in front of Anders now, I don’t care. That’s so bad. I try to go outside and calm myself, and yeah sometimes it works. Better than never I suppose.

I think I miss me. I haven’t been me or felt like me in forever, since before I lost the baby, that’s been a long time. It changes you…and I don’t know how to be this person and be happy.

I feel stuck. A lot, I feel stuck. With no one to commiserate or understand or just listen anymore. No one but you.

full circle August 14, 2009

let’s just say after anders I had to go onto medication and have therapy. my marriage fell apart as a result of several factors my bipolar and the first few choices of meds to be included.

I had my meds doubled this week and made an appt with a therapist. I’ve been bad. post partum is bad, w/bipolar it is worse. I’ve had thoughts I don’t care to delve into right now.

I’m unhappy with myself, I’m SO tired & there are a lot of days I can’t do this, that I don’t want to do this. Chase is 8 months old and still does not sleep. I found out I was pregnant this weekend 2 years ago and I was not pregnant by that same labor day. This year has hit me worse than last year already.

I’ve been unbearable to say the least. my poor family. It makes me feel even worse that this has affected them.

I’m not in a good place but at least I know I reached out for help and will feel better sooner rather than later. I hope so.

i still miss you August 31, 2008

even tho its been a year, and your little brother kicks me all day everyday where you lived for such a short time, I haven’t forgotten that you were there first. Neither has your Daddy. We love you.

dig down deeper…. August 1, 2008

where do I start?

I have been increasingly distraught, depressed, angry, easy to feel hurt and abandoned. I couldn’t figure it out at first. Though being pregnant and an unmedicated bipolar one shouldn’t even give a thought as to why right?

All this back to school and craziness getting ready to start in September seems to make it twice as bad. Not because of money, which is increasingly an issue, but because 2 days after I lost my baby last year I had to muster up enough strength and care to get my living child off to 1st grade. Because everyone here is discussing what their plans for labor day are. Mine are very simple I’m going to try not to stay in bed and feel miserable and I’m going to try not to worry about this baby leaving. Its unlikely that anything will happen to this one besides being born in December, but it sticks in ones mind.

Anders was on vacation with his father this week and will be this weekend, Walker has been working and yay for me played softball 3 times this week, translation? Christyna was alone A LOT, upset A LOT, feeling ABANDONED A LOT, sad, crying, angry A LOT. I wake up alone when A isn’t here, and this week I went to bed alone 3 times. Cried myself to sleep all 3 nights. I feel like Walker can’t tell anyone no, unless its me, he can do that without even saying it. Sure I’ll play softball for you even tho I didn’t play with you all season, and its a double header? no problem (I hear NO being said to me, no I can’t be home with you. No I don’t realize how alone you are and have been, no I don’t realize that this is really getting to you and hurting us). Only I’ve recently told him how I feel and what its been doing to me. and he said well lets do something Friday(tonight). I’m so angry and upset and pissed I don’t even want to be here when he gets home but I’ve isolated all my friends when my bipolar acted up in the beginning of the year and its never been the same so I have no where to go. I don’t want him to feel like he can abandon me when I clearly needed him and make it all up in a matter of a few hours on one night when he happens to have time, and what really really hurts, he’s gone all day Saturday playing softball too! But our friend Kevin will be around so he said at least you’ll have him to keep you company. Oh ok so long as you don’t have to feel guilty right?

I’m so tired of feeling useless, and helpless, and angry, alone, pissed, upset, abandoned. I don’t know how to make it stop. Its not all the time, in fact its usually rare that I feel like this more than an hour or two at a time, until this week. I feel like a shell of myself, empty, pathetic. I just want it to stop. it needs to stop. make it stop.

may angels lead you in March 19, 2008

We got home at 10 am yesterday morning. I got the phone call at 9 pm last night, she left us at 8pm. My Aunt Donna is with the rest of my family now and she is no longer suffering. I hate this disease. I did get to spend time with her which I am greatful for but the condition in which I saw her in deteriorated fast and it scars the mind and heart immensely to watch it happen, especially when it’s the 3rd time doing it in the last 5 years. I have a very heavy heart today.

 Thank you all for your words of sympathy and support, I definitely need it.

perspective December 5, 2007

I’m at work. I’m supposed to be working. I feel like poo. I was fine yesterday. I sat down at like 7:30 realized my throat hurt and I had a headache and this morning I feel terrible. Nothing quite hurts per se, but nothing feels quite right either. I popped a couple extra vitamin C’s and brought some soup to work. I rarely get sick so when I do it feels 10 times worse. So I’ve been screwing around online to avoid actual work and making my head feel worse.

 Christmas is pretty close. I started shopping, then I stopped. I feel okay about it and then I don’t. Unfortunately no matter how I feel about it this year I have to keep up appearances. There is a certain 7 year old who needs and expects it. And he has no idea that sometimes I’m still sad because he never had a clue I was pregnant in the first place. I’m just tired. tired of feeling set back and then tired of feeling guilty about feeling like I just want to heal and move on. I’m tired of being on the fence about trying again right now.

At this time of year though I do try to put things in perspective. There is nothing physically wrong with me, and I will have another child when it happens. Some people try with no result, some people lose their babies after the miracle of conceiving and some even carry close to term and then experience loss. Loss is loss yes but it does pain me and put my loss into perspective to read and hear about what other women who struggle and will struggle and have struggled go through. It is one of the most unfair things I have ever come across. Even at a young age I had empathy for people who wanted children and don’t have them. It’s a terrible world where people can smoke and drink during pregnancy and the baby is fine, and that people who don’t want children or abuse children pop them out like pez and the parents who are so deserving and so desperately want to give love are the ones with the struggle and pain.

Perspective I think is what keeps me going. I’m going to go home tonight and hug Anders and send all of you hopeful struggling moms out there a thought and a prayer. (I’d kiss him but I don’t want him to catch my cold).

guilty? September 20, 2007

it always amazes me my ability to throw myself at someone else’s woes. I’m sure it’s most often just the promise of distraction that does it, and always because it’s someone I love dearly.

 I have a friend, C. she was seeing someone who lived in Ireland. They were so happy in love. It seemed impossible to meet someone online and fall that hard, and fall even harder when seeing them multiple times in person. But she did, they did. All seemed well too for a long time, she had even gone back and forth contemplating leaving her life here in the states, her friends and family and moving there to be with him. Well thankfully, she didn’t. He was here, he was supposed to be here for 2 more weeks. He left. He let her go to work on Monday and went through her things including her computer, apparently searching for some kind of incriminating evidence of cheating. There was none, there is none. She’s as loyal and trustworthy as they come. So when she found out he did this she made a “dig” and said well then I should check your mails…(she had no intention of doing so and was about to tell him as much and that she trusted him when he turned red, put his head down and acted guilty himself) so she checked ,there was a particular woman that he seemed to converse with intimately enough for her to type things like “give your son sweet dream kisses for me” and for him to type “C will be at work all day out of the house, I’ll be online”.

So I acknowledged the pain but went straight for advice and logical thinking. He was the one doing something wrong, he felt so guilty that he had hoped to find something on C’s end that would make him less guilty or her just a guilty. The plan backfired and now they are in separate countries once again wondering what happened. Only he copied her hard drive and is going through the entire thing sitting online in Ireland right now and told her he was doing it. Still looking for something to make him feel less guilty?

Why can’t people just be happy? With all the bad things that can and do happen, with all the struggle, with all the loss….isn’t it just a little bit of happiness we really want?

So that was my distraction today, spent a bit too much time on myspace and I do have some work to do….everyone needs a break right?

in limbo September 14, 2007

I stumbled onto a blog on this site when I was looking for something that made me feel less alone, less misunderstood, more hopeful.

I found it. So now here I am “anonomously” venting, purging, healing. I’m just a girl trying to navigate her way through a life that hasn’t always been so kind to me. I’m not whining or looking for sympathy just trying to rid myself of damaging baggage if you will, and maybe along the way I can help just one more person on this planet to feel understood and less alone and possibly do the same for myself. 

I found a poem the other day online by a woman with quite a few children who was experiencing postpartum, now whether it be from miscarriage or just regular child birth I don’t recall, but two things struck a chord in the poem:

 the first being that she wrote “there are good days and there are other days” something about a fog creeping in. and then that the fog would take over and her 6 year old son would reach up and say I love you Mommy, and she’d have to remind herself to smile.

The second was at the end she says something about having so many things to be thankful for, why can’t it be enough?

 I was in tears reading this because I felt like this, I feel like this.

I have a beautiful, loving, smart 6 year old son. He’s empathetic and sensitive. I also lost a baby (embryo as the doctors referred to it) on September 4th. Why can’t having my 6 year old be enough some days? I thought I was being an awful Mother thinking that for even 2 minutes. I know now that it’s ok to feel empty. I know now that it is ok to be angry or upset, and contrary to the ever popular “it was for the best” and “you’ll be just fine” I get from others, some days I’m not and that’s okay too.

This could be the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in my life and I’ve been through quite a bit at my young age of 30. I know I’m not alone and I know some have it worse.  This is another part in my journey in life.