this is in response to a comment left recently on my “back on meds post from last August” It was a woman who took lamictal during pregnancy (she did not specify whether it was for epilepsy or bi-polar. She stated that despite the research claim saying the only risk (which is not how theyphrased it, there is ALWAYS risk) was cleft palatte. She claims that her baby was born with TOF a congenital heart defect. I neither can prove or disprove this claim BUT despite there being close to no research on this drug and pregnancy don’t believe that it was the main cause. It could have been because of epilepsy (if she had that) and they say there are MANY environmental causes of this defect in babies in utero. So I just thought I’d address it. My post was not designed to slander or libel anything or anyone. and because I disagree with her the comment is not there but I did want her to know I read it, and I’m sorry for her child and I wish her luck.
Before & After February 14, 2008
This is me in June 2007 happy, blissful, naive, before my downward spiral. I never had long hair except maybe one other time in my life. I can remember my ex-husband tearing into me one day and saying “don’t you realize that you cut and dye you hair when you’re not happy, especially with yourself?”. I responded with~ I’m an artist, I like cosmetology (went to school for it for a while) I like change especially where hair is concerned, it’s just hair it grows back and it has nothing to do with me not being happy or not liking myself. Well I it took me nearly 2 years to grow that hair out and within 3 days of my m/c up to now, I have systematically chopped it all off. and inch or 3 at a time. Other than August up to now, I have been ridiculously happy and chipper and managed pretty damn well to handle everything thrown at me in stride, a nasty divorce, my nastier ex in laws, my parents moving to Florida, severing ties with my hurtful sister. Happy, long healthy hair, ok skin, great eating habits and exercise.
This is me this month, in the early days of this month. My skin has been terrible, my eating habits suck, I’ve been down, self critical, self loathing and very very moody, I’ve gained almost 10 lbs since September. and since September I have cut 8 to 10 inches of my hair off. He was right. I cut and dye my hair obsessively when I’m not happy with myself. Or when I’m in a depressive phase, on a whim maybe even the little bit manic for a day I just decide don’t tell anyone and CHOP IT ALL OFF….which is fine I can totally pull off short hair BUT i hate it. I do, it was great and easy for like 2 weeks and now I want my hair back…maybe I just want my happy back? same difference I think.
I have an appointment to go back on my meds on the 21st. the earliest they can fit a crazy bipolar who’s having a bad time in?? stupid people. and I have a therapist appointment on the 23rd. No more ttc could be 6 months, a year, forever, I’m not sure yet. I have to call my dermatologist as well because at the wonderful age of 30 my skin decides I had it too easy at 17 and got no pimples so I am paying for it now. it is SO bad, it’s painful and it’s abundant and it makes me feel horrible everyday. I started changing my diet already and throwing in some sit ups and things at home. I want to run but it is so shitty outside that I can’t…I can drop that 10lbs in 2 months but I have to run. I just keep telling myself, by the time you can run, spring will be here and your meds will have kicked in and life will be at the very least 50% better than it is now which is the only thing that keeps me from feeling worse and keeps me functioning. Winter is always worse for me than any other season with getting down, but I’ve always managed to keep above water before this year.
I’m down a lot, the sex drive is non existent, I’m snappy and weepy and probably such a pill to live with and I feel so bad for Anders & Walker for putting up with me. (enter irrational self loathing for being shitty to them brought on by bipolar). It’s a never ending cycle…for now…it will come to a screeching halt by March, the pills will see to that.
and..yes and…there’s more. My Aunt has lung cancer. through out both her lungs, tiny masses, and in one of them a mass the size of an orange. this is my father’s last sibling and together they buried 2 brothers and both their parents. this is devastating. she lives in Florida near my parents (one of the reasons they moved there was to be with her more often). I’m in NJ. this is devastating.
Thank you Mon, Basil, Julia, Rachel, Becky & silent lurkers for caring, reading, checking on me, posting, lurking it helps, it means a lot and it lets me know I’m not alone.
My tattoo guy (who’s a friend and fellow artist) is coming by on Saturday. I love self inflicted pain that ends in art, there is something so therapeutic about getting a tattoo. here’s the start of my 1/4 sleeve …I’ll post another after he’s done (it’s going to have vibrant cherry blossoms and some shaded Japanese clouds among the stars). I’m crazy I know. I have like 11 tattoos I love them. my skin is a canvas and on it I paint my life, each one comes with memories of a time or have a meaning because of something I’ve gone through…each one comes with letting go and healing. so Saturday will be the start of my journey in healing the broken parts of me that I felt I could ignore lately…
