for real? October 15, 2009

I’m a witch, snarky, mean, short fused, pissy witch (My poor family).

I feel so alone and mean and misunderstood. I’m still dealing with so much internally and quite a few things “externally”. I actually can admit I don’t like myself. I don’t like anyone. I love my kids, I love Walker. I dislike me, how I feel and they way I have been acting.

I have an overwhelming feeling of dread, worry, being trapped. I feel like I have mini panic attacks that I talk myself down from a couple times a month. It’s 10 times worse during PMS and Aunt Flo.

Though, I still feel so much better than I did with the bipolar and post partum at its worst. I haven’t had a dangerous, irrational or harmful thought in quite some time. I mean I wish I could get in my car sometimes and run away and change my name, but I think we all do at some point, it’s an escape in our own minds.

I miss drinking copious amount of alcohol and being retarded with my friends on occasion. The hangover w/a baby isn’t even worth it anymore. I miss my friends. Why? They ditched me over something really stupid last year the day after my birthday. 4 months before Chase was due and said “good luck with the baby”, but never said they were “done” though I knew you don’t say that if you’ll be around 4 months down the road. I stood by one of them when their marriage fell apart cause she got “mind fucked” by her affair guy who was also a seriously shitty cop. He had several girls, pitted them against each other played with their heads and he’s married. He was a prize. Helped her get rid of him and work it out with her husband who she belonged with and became happy with him again, then her mom’s brain cancer came back and I held her and her family up while she systematically shut down and died over the course of 8 months. During which they were terrible to me (I didn’t hold it against them, my mom isn’t sick I can’t comprehend and didn’t take offense). One of their daughters is a bad seed; she stole from me and lied. Though it was a dumb thing to steal and meant nothing it was the principal, steal and lie…not ok.…they didn’t get it and basically left me.

I find it very hard to trust people now, especially women. My sex life sucks, mostly cause I hate my body, I hate my skin and I can’t even stand to think about being naked or touched most of the time. Not that we have time, or privacy most days and nights. Once or twice a month is not nearly ok. I think I want it, I plan on it earlier in the day and then I purposely lay down and pass out on the couch cause I just can’t do it.

I love Chase, but some days I still do not like him very much. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m mean to Walker. I fly off  the handle SO easy. I do it in front of Anders now, I don’t care. That’s so bad. I try to go outside and calm myself, and yeah sometimes it works. Better than never I suppose.

I think I miss me. I haven’t been me or felt like me in forever, since before I lost the baby, that’s been a long time. It changes you…and I don’t know how to be this person and be happy.

I feel stuck. A lot, I feel stuck. With no one to commiserate or understand or just listen anymore. No one but you.

appt summary August 28, 2009

1. the guy seems nice but he does this weird uh huh thing thats almost like a grunt and he does it after EVERYTHING I say. annoying!

2. It was basically a summary of the past 8 years-ish, my ex, my relationship with my parents then and now kinda thing, what brings me back to therapy? blah blah blah.

3. He seemed to be pushing hard the idea that Walker isn’t pulling his weight…but really pushing. Is therapy about blame??? So next week I am going to tell him ALL walker does do. Yeah he could be a lil more helpful and supportive but he’s not a slacker or an asshole. He works 45 to 55 hours a week to make up for me not working full time, he picks up every other sunday work. He pays a lot more of our bills without taking from me. he tries his best. i just feel like the guy made a somewhat quick judgement without all the facts. I’ll give him 4 appts, if he still annoys me and is big on blame, I’m out.

*don’t get me wrong he added a lil fault with me but i just felt like he “attacked” walker’s character or something. the man is a saint for putting up with me most of the time.

full circle August 14, 2009

let’s just say after anders I had to go onto medication and have therapy. my marriage fell apart as a result of several factors my bipolar and the first few choices of meds to be included.

I had my meds doubled this week and made an appt with a therapist. I’ve been bad. post partum is bad, w/bipolar it is worse. I’ve had thoughts I don’t care to delve into right now.

I’m unhappy with myself, I’m SO tired & there are a lot of days I can’t do this, that I don’t want to do this. Chase is 8 months old and still does not sleep. I found out I was pregnant this weekend 2 years ago and I was not pregnant by that same labor day. This year has hit me worse than last year already.

I’ve been unbearable to say the least. my poor family. It makes me feel even worse that this has affected them.

I’m not in a good place but at least I know I reached out for help and will feel better sooner rather than later. I hope so.

oops, really? it’s been a month?!! June 1, 2009

holy freaking living in a black deep dark hole that instead of climbing out of I brought a pillow and an ipod down with me as if to say “fuck it, I may as well get comfortable”. you know what? fuck you hole.

hows that sound? fuck you right in the eye.

so hi everyone. here’s a list of what equals hole and taking the escalator down further every day:

1. my weight (incuding the way clothing fits or rather DOESN’T fit) 
2. my skin (can I please have 1 pimple a month until I turn 28 and then get progressively worse as the years go so that while I’m suffering from horrible body image I have acne a dermatologist would pity looking at)
3. (what’s with the 3 being larger?) Lack of sleep=lack of energy, want, care, sex…and so on leads to over eating, eating crap and laziness…which leads to : see #1 above.
4. meds taking WAY too long to work after coming off for 2-3 ish weeks due to lack of money (fuck you insurance company and “helpful” mail in maint. meds).
5. #4 causing several panic attacks/ nervous breakdowns, numerous meltdowns in which I can only function curled into the fetal position crying my eyes out until I snot on myself OR screaming lake a psycho at the 2 people who I love the most feeling even worse after, leading to fetal position result after screaming has ended.
6. lack of sex. I mean do I have to explain that one to any woman with bad self image issues and/or moms??
7. lack of money. again do I need to explain?
8. lack of time. Can I put in a request for 8 days weeks with 36 hours in everyday? anyone else??

I’m quite sure there is more but my work day is nearing the end and I must go. But I have set a goal or 3 and I will unveil these goals in another post within the next 48 hours (attainable posting goal!)

My boys are still cute, one still sleeps iffy but does occasionally now sleep 5 to 6 hours OMG crazy right?? only took 6 months!!

kisses hugs ranting screaming giving the finger angrily…

me

i still miss you August 31, 2008

even tho its been a year, and your little brother kicks me all day everyday where you lived for such a short time, I haven’t forgotten that you were there first. Neither has your Daddy. We love you.

ish (as in ok-ish, better-ish, not so bad-ish) August 6, 2008

a couple of days passed the worst so far. another appt with my OB, the heartbeat, LOTS of kicking and def sleep/wake cycles, Anders is home. Life is somewhat back to some type of normalcy for now.

I gained 5lbs since last check up. I actually got my Dr. the one I’ve been with since I was 18. since I am having a c-section I am only making appointments with him because I won’t need whoever is on call if Im not going into labor. My Dr. said that now that I am at the right area of weight gain for how far along I am he wants me to really eat healthy to avoid blowing up like I did with Anders. he said for my height and build he’d feel good with 2 to 4 lbs a month from here on out and no more than that. fine with me. I gained 45 lbs with Anders and was miserable times 5. He would like 20 to 25 lbs tops with this one. Can do Dr. more protein, less “white” carbs, more whole grains. seems easy enough.

so to date I have gained 10lbs total. I’m at 21 weeks. baby is nearly 1lb and near 12 inches long head to feet. and I am very aware of this growth spurt. I look like I have a basketball on my front side ha ha. and he is kicking up a storm every two to three hours all day. Some of these kicks I can feel above my belly button already and my belly button is just slightly starting to push out at the top and widen, should be an outie soon enough. Dinner seems to be the big precursor to the most exciting movement all day. Yesterday for the first time Anders felt his brother kick like crazy. He loved it, of course it was immediately followed with “what does that feel like to you?” and “it doesn’t hurt does it?” more worried about mom than anything. He’s ever so gentle with his hands on my belly, I’ve told him he can press down and really feel or wiggle it around, he’s unsure though. Its very cute.

AND the biggest news of the summer, finally, Anders is riding without training wheels. At our old house he didn’t really have the space to ride often so he never learned. At this house he has tons of room and has been riding with training wheels for 3 months. One fell off and he had no idea so I said the other one comes off too. and VIOLA he rides!! yay!!

School starts in like 27 days! which means I can go back to some type of work in 27 days or so bring in a bit more $ and stop being so miserable and alone all day. And then all hell breaks lose. School, soccer, my sisters wedding shower, cousins wedding, Sister’s wedding, My baby shower in VA, setting up baby/nursery stuff, Anders b-day, Thanksgiving, Baby, then Christmas….I really should be careful complaining about having nothing to do and being alone, I really really should stop. YIKES.

basketball belly-21 weeks

i swear I’m not complaining May 29, 2008

and feel free to smack me if you think I am but…

my skin is GROSS, again, no surprise it was bad with Anders. Its getting warmer which means i will get oilier ewww. Glowing? no no honey its more like greasy and shining. But I suppose they put the glowing spin on it from an outside perspective. ha ha just the perks of pregnancy I suppose. I did it once I can do it again, my poor sore sensitive skin….

I’m good really. I still worry and obsess. Even tho all seems normal and safe I can’t help but get closer to an appointment and wonder if it will have a heartbeat. It’s like human nature now. I can smile and say when the baby gets her… but a week before an ultrasound I’m convinced there’s no heartbeat. I miss naive, stupid me. All is fine and you never need to worry or stress cause you don’t live in that world. But unfortunately now I do.

Loss changes you forever. not temporarily, forever. It makes me even more grateful for every good appointment and for Anders of course.  I loved him so much as it was and more everyday but when I lost the baby I found new depths of love for that little boy, and more dreams and hopes, and just such a sense of relief that he is here and I know him and love him and that life is so fragile and short sometimes. For being able to see that and feel that and know that I am grateful but I wish i never had to lose a baby to get it. It makes this pregnancy that much more wonderful and stressful and scary and hopeful. it’s like living on a see-saw up up up middle down down middle up up up, which I guess is normal pregnancy to begin with but those of you who know what I’m talking about know that its so different and difficult. Its hard to think you’re hurting anyone who’s lost or making their heart ache. It’s nice to think you give someone hope and something to look forward to. But the people who haven’t lost or don’t acknowledge your loss anymore just think its business as usual and thats that. Its not. It’s hard, its scary, its sad. because I can’t be 100% happy and hopeful and I want to be but it isn’t realistic and it isn’t smart. I love this baby already, and I want this baby to come home and chances are it will, but I can’t commit to being 100% postive about the whole thing. I just can’t. in real life I can fake it with people. I am just so damn glad I don’t have to on here.

 I just passed 11 weeks. 11 weeks. I have a detailed ultrasound for testing on June 6th at 12 weeks 3 days. I will see a baby, that looks like a baby. i will hear its heartbeat for the first time, I will be SO attached and SO worried after that. I just keep saying with every week that passes you’re one week safer and one week closer to holding you son’s sibling. thats all I can do.

 

how do I do this? May 15, 2008

I don’t want my whole blog to become about pregnancy. it wasn’t ever all about my loss so it shouldn’t be all about my pregnancy. Unfortunately the jobless boring life I’m leading right now doesn’t leave too much room for obsessing about much else.

I don’t want to upset anyone, insult anyone, bore anyone.

I’m still waiting. waiting for the other shoe to drop. waiting for the blood. waiting for the bad news. waiting everyday for another week. I’m at 9. I made 9 weeks. I have an appointment on saturday and all I keep thinking is that I will go in with walker and they will find no heartbeat. rational and irrational at the same time. I haven’t told him any of this at all. I get happy and excited for 5 mins, I think more for him, and then for the next hour I worry and plan and think the worst. it’s terrible. it really is. I still only have a very SMALL handful of people who know and I haven’t investing too much, didn’t buy anything, we don’t talk names, we brought up how we’d fit a crib only for me to say we’ll deal with it later. I’m afraid to invest more than a day at a time…all the while praying that every week passes faster. mental hell.

Anders has 4 1/2 weeks of school left. Then he will be a 2nd grader. OMG a 2nd grader? prying him off of me so they could take him into Kindergarten was 2 years ago? it was? he can read like a champ? he plays baseball fairly well? and he doesn’t need as much help with as many things? OMG my baby isn’t a baby anymore at all in any way.

This whole situation feels fake, surreal, like an alternate universe. a dream? maybe I’m dreaming? none of this is even real? Will I really have an 8 year old and a newborn in December? is that really happening?

oh and come to find out Walker the vitamin fanatic has had B6 the whole time I have been feeling like crap ha ha. nice right? I was like damn i could have stolen your vitamins?? so now I do.

big brother goes insane, otherwise known as growing up April 28, 2008

So I have noticed a lot in the past few months that Anders is so much more grown up than I wanted to admit. He’s got stupid sayings and jokes (the same ones we all had between 8 and 12) he’s almost done with the first grade, he’s nearly as tall as I am and he’s a super wiseass.  He walks around saying odd things, making odd faces and I realized he’s not doing it just to get laughs, he is now actually starting to believe he’s cool. it’s quite amusing.  and a little alarming thinking he’s gonna be a big influence on a sibling, ha ha.

so I have spent my days stuffing my face, getting burpy, heartburn, and acid reflux. I pee every 2 to 3 hours. I’m tired, so I try to take at least a one hour nap a day. But I have spent the last 2 days inspecting the toilet paper after every said pee like a world class detective. over thinking every twinge and cramp. Is this it? is that how it started? any blood? Don’t get me wrong there are minutes at a time I forget entirely that the pee stick was positive and then I have to pee or I’m hungry. I was just thinking maybe I should call the Dr and ask to get a blood test now to make sure my beta is normal. I was thinking once I made it to Weds and 7 weeks I’d feel better. I will and I won’t I’m sure. Once I go to the DR and hear the heartbeat at almost 10 weeks I will relax. or maybe I will relax every day from today on out a little more. it’s the waiting for everyday from today on out that sucks.

I also have to think about getting back to some type of work shortly to add to the unemployment and then make up for it once it’s over. And I can’t wait too much longer because I will show sooner than last time cause it isn’t my first pregnancy and who’s going to hire that? so a few things going on here. A few things being mulled around and worried about. I’m hanging in there, I’m happy within reason and hopeful. One day at a time.

shock and awe April 24, 2008

so I’m on CD 45. I didn’t even notice with all the craziness with my Aunt, Florida, visitors here and going back down there that it was even late until a few days ago.

I haven’t obsessed. Just took extra folic acid and laid off the caffeine I drink daily. I went to the bank today to deposit a check, CVS was next door. I bought a test. It was positive. fast and dark positive. 

now I obsess so I figure out how far along I was in Sept when I lost the baby, I was 6 weeks 5 days. I am 6 weeks 1 day today and as i am checking to see how far along I was in September on one of those calculators I see that the estimated due date for my last pregnancy was today. 4/24/2008. timing? wow.

We were not trying AT ALL. one of the days my parents were here Walker was his man self and wanted a quickie, lets just say he didn’t listen to me at a crucial moment. But I hadn’t kept track of my cycle since Feb. and I gotta say that was the ONLY slip up. One time? perfectly timed? after all that trying? (funny thing is last time I got pregnant my mother was visiting also, maybe she’s a fertility charm?)

I’m not sure how to process this. I shook, I had the fastest heartbeat ever, I nearly had a breathing attack, I cried.

I am not working. not the biggest problem anyone has ever had though. we live in a 2 bedroom apartment now not a 3 bedroom. It’s still doable. Can I make it to the 12 week mark and relax? The chances of another miscarriage for someone who got a clean bill of health are slim to none. but can I relax and try to remain positive?

I told my friend Cathy, and I will tell Walker tonight, and of course you guys on here, but MUM is the word until the first week in June, I’m being overly cautious and superstitious about the timing.