for real? October 15, 2009

I’m a witch, snarky, mean, short fused, pissy witch (My poor family).

I feel so alone and mean and misunderstood. I’m still dealing with so much internally and quite a few things “externally”. I actually can admit I don’t like myself. I don’t like anyone. I love my kids, I love Walker. I dislike me, how I feel and they way I have been acting.

I have an overwhelming feeling of dread, worry, being trapped. I feel like I have mini panic attacks that I talk myself down from a couple times a month. It’s 10 times worse during PMS and Aunt Flo.

Though, I still feel so much better than I did with the bipolar and post partum at its worst. I haven’t had a dangerous, irrational or harmful thought in quite some time. I mean I wish I could get in my car sometimes and run away and change my name, but I think we all do at some point, it’s an escape in our own minds.

I miss drinking copious amount of alcohol and being retarded with my friends on occasion. The hangover w/a baby isn’t even worth it anymore. I miss my friends. Why? They ditched me over something really stupid last year the day after my birthday. 4 months before Chase was due and said “good luck with the baby”, but never said they were “done” though I knew you don’t say that if you’ll be around 4 months down the road. I stood by one of them when their marriage fell apart cause she got “mind fucked” by her affair guy who was also a seriously shitty cop. He had several girls, pitted them against each other played with their heads and he’s married. He was a prize. Helped her get rid of him and work it out with her husband who she belonged with and became happy with him again, then her mom’s brain cancer came back and I held her and her family up while she systematically shut down and died over the course of 8 months. During which they were terrible to me (I didn’t hold it against them, my mom isn’t sick I can’t comprehend and didn’t take offense). One of their daughters is a bad seed; she stole from me and lied. Though it was a dumb thing to steal and meant nothing it was the principal, steal and lie…not ok.…they didn’t get it and basically left me.

I find it very hard to trust people now, especially women. My sex life sucks, mostly cause I hate my body, I hate my skin and I can’t even stand to think about being naked or touched most of the time. Not that we have time, or privacy most days and nights. Once or twice a month is not nearly ok. I think I want it, I plan on it earlier in the day and then I purposely lay down and pass out on the couch cause I just can’t do it.

I love Chase, but some days I still do not like him very much. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m mean to Walker. I fly off  the handle SO easy. I do it in front of Anders now, I don’t care. That’s so bad. I try to go outside and calm myself, and yeah sometimes it works. Better than never I suppose.

I think I miss me. I haven’t been me or felt like me in forever, since before I lost the baby, that’s been a long time. It changes you…and I don’t know how to be this person and be happy.

I feel stuck. A lot, I feel stuck. With no one to commiserate or understand or just listen anymore. No one but you.

the biggest things August 18, 2009

that helped me realize I need help.

disclaimer: I have no doubt that there isn’t judgement for these thoughts from my friends on here but there could be from lurkers and/or strangers happening through. If you feel the need to comment negatively just don’t comment at all please.

2 thoughts I had that scared the shit out of me.

1. I wonder if Anders would get over my death or it would scar him for life? (Chase would be too young to remember me).

2. If I smothered him he’d never hurt again and I’d get some sleep (um hello?!?! I knew I wouldn’t but the thought alone is so awful I was ashamed I even went there at all)

and the other 2 main things were comments from other people.

1. I don’t remember what I was doing but I text Walker that I was going where ever and his response was “try to have fun, try to smile”. and I thought am I really that bad? yeah I am.

2. Anders accidentally broke a small mirror I use for make-up. He apologized profusely, I told him it wasn’t a big deal and I wasn’t mad. He kept apologizing all night, and said I know you’re probably mad and just waiting to get me (as in torture w/tickles or scare him or get mad) he apparently has been walking on eggshells around me and trying his hardest to be at his Dad’s more than home.

these 4 things alone lit a fire under my ass to get help, cause while I’d at this point never do more than ponder the thoughts, I’ve seen what not getting help and not telling people you aren’t ok can lead to down the road. Poor Andrea Yates, I swear to god I know how she could do it, it’s terrible and I am not shifting blame or saying it was a great idea but I can sympathize with her state of mind and how sick she really was. That poor family.

Walker’s Mom took the baby over night last night, and wouldn’t it just figure that after 8 months of no sleep I woke up at 2:30 and 5 am anyway? of course not having to get out of bed and feed or comfort a screaming infant was great either way.

I feel better just knowing I helped myself and am working at it. the doubled meds for only six days are starting to take some of the edge off on my snipping and snapping at people (though I almost threw a chicken in the garbage for not being done when it should have been Sunday night, but I didn’t cry or retreat to my room or yell at anyone else like I have been). Of course the littlest things can make me cry but thats a given I’m hoping therapy helps me find ways of coping with this.

 

I also now know that a lot of what happened between my ex and I was mostly due to the birth of Anders making my bipolar ten fold then the wrong meds 3 times screwing up my sex life, my interest in anything I loved, and my general state of mind, I didn’t care at all. people would ask if I was happy I’d say I just don’t care if I’m happy or sad (walking zombie type feelings). I would have eventually left him because of his Mother issues and other things, but i have no doubt that made it worse faster. It is what it is right? learn and move on.

I will not let this ruin my relationship with Walker. It took me so long to find happiness that wasn’t work all the time. It’s always work but this wasn’t just me working at it. We’re a team and he’s so wonderful. He tried to make my birthday great, it wasn’t a complete wash but it was a struggle that day. The rest of the weekend was much better incl. him calling out and we went to the beach. It was a good day all around. I’ll take it.

I’m also calling a dermatologist, because on top of all this I am still breaking out like a 15 year old and looking in the mirror either makes my angry or upset, not good, especially right now. I’m gonna ask about a peel or treatment cause they are also scarring my skin, not pretty.

Thank you guys for being here and being you. I really need and appreciate it.

full circle August 14, 2009

let’s just say after anders I had to go onto medication and have therapy. my marriage fell apart as a result of several factors my bipolar and the first few choices of meds to be included.

I had my meds doubled this week and made an appt with a therapist. I’ve been bad. post partum is bad, w/bipolar it is worse. I’ve had thoughts I don’t care to delve into right now.

I’m unhappy with myself, I’m SO tired & there are a lot of days I can’t do this, that I don’t want to do this. Chase is 8 months old and still does not sleep. I found out I was pregnant this weekend 2 years ago and I was not pregnant by that same labor day. This year has hit me worse than last year already.

I’ve been unbearable to say the least. my poor family. It makes me feel even worse that this has affected them.

I’m not in a good place but at least I know I reached out for help and will feel better sooner rather than later. I hope so.

a different angle, maybe March 18, 2009

if I’m PPD and/or crazy (aren’t we all?) then I suppose instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself (as if that can be helped) I can inform, help or just let someone else know they are not alone…even if I’m still feeling miserable while doing so. does that make sense?  If one woman feels better knowing this happens or is kinda the norm and no one else in their immediate lives with validate those facts maybe I can be the one who does.

so today’s “for instance” is: I have felt physically like I have been crying and sobbing for days…yet I haven’t cried once. (if this has never happened to you it sounds ridiculous, let me tell you it is the strangest most draining experience in my life). anyone ever feel like that?  you aren’t alone and yes you’re insane grab a straight jacket and meet me for happy hour

here’s a humorous bee in my bonnet (who the hell says that?) Dan.cing with the stars, Belinda Carlisle got old, is seriously stiff and can not dance (who knew? guess she don’t got the beat ha ha!) and being of said “old age” reminds me of my downstairs neighbor whom I hate. a lot. so now I can not listen to the Go-Go’s (who still listens to the Go-Gos?) or I get weak and heaven is a place on earth cause they make me angry ha ha ha. ridiculous!

maybe its just me, but i don’t get it August 10, 2008

OK, this is in no way a judgment as I’m sure a few people who stumble across may take it but I felt as a person who’s had her share of a non perfect life, a non perfect birth, a loss and no choice in my “birthing plan” with this one that I am qualified to write this post and say I just am not sure I get it.

We are all mainly brought up to believe certain “ideals” such as meeting the one, the true love, your knight in shining armor and so on. We are all taught to believe that fairy tale. Which is a load of crap especially in this day and age. I’m not saying you can’t find true love and that you can’t be almost fairy tale happy. But it’s not all pretty white dresses and woodland creatures and love stories from the movies. Its work, it’s fighting, it’s compromise, it’s heartbreak. So I say most of us have gotten over the fake idea of fairy tale happily ever after and made it into a more modern day make it work happiness as it should be. SO people???

Whats this obsession i constantly hear about almost all women being seriously adamant and creepily obsessed with natural childbirth, or making a c-section seem like they need an exorcism? I hear, see and read people constantly say, I want natural child birth, because I don’t want complications and a possible c-section. to me that says I want natural child birth cause the Dr’s will screw it up otherwise and I will have to have a c-section and those are just awful.

seriously? get over it, get over your unrealistic ideals and ideas and all the bullshit you’ve heard before. Unless you’re baby has died or received an injury or defect from anything but natural child birth you really have nothing to base these ridiculous scenarios and fear on, other than well fear and mis information.

Isn’t the whole main goal with any type of child birth to have a live healthy baby? I’ve seen women on these shows, in real life and in blogland lose their minds with the mention of drugs and then a c-section comes up, up until the very last second when it can not be put off anymore and they have no choice. and the WORST part of it is watching and listening after, it’s a giant pity party of “I failed” and “it didn’t go my way”. UM well I’m guessing that your whole life wasn’t perfect so things not going your way all the time would be normal, not a failure and actually a triumph I would say. I’d rather look at my baby than whine about the past.

I had no dilusions that i wanted natural childbirth at all costs, even after hearing my Mother’s 2 push, no drug, baby out easy stories for my sister and brother. I decided that I would like to endure what I could and then be able to enjoy the experience without pain and anxiety. Did I want a c-section? no I didn’t but i didn’t automatically think of it as failure either. I went in and they said my water must have broken within the last 24 to 48 hours and nothing was happening, so they induced, that’s one drug I could have done without OMG no rest between contractions. but after so many hours I got another lovely drug that had me sleeping and napping and having good conversation during contractions. 17 hours later (i was new at this and it was quite a long night) I was dialated and ready to push, they discovered during 3 hours of pushing (yes 3 excruciating hours with an epidural and still with back pain the whole 3 hours of pushing) that Anders must have turned slighty and his head was not facing the correct way to come out easily, but let me push anyway as they did not want me to have a c-section either. Meanwhile I was begging for one at this point, exhausted, in pain, causing slight nerve damage to my back because basically his head was pressing on my tailbone everytime I pushed. Finally they said before the baby’s heart rate drops anymore, and to alleviate the pain I’m feeling i would have a c-section. I agreed, signed the paper shaking and ready to passout and went in. I could feel slighty them cutting me, after epidural for a while I was apparently immune to its power and had some sensation still, it didn’t hurt. more like a slight burning. So they put me out. I had Anders at 5pm Nov 7th 2000, I didn’t wake up and get to see him until nearly midnight that night. While some of that story sounds crazy and traumatic just laying my eyes on him made it all worth it, made it all not matter, and made me not even care I had a c-section. I was only 23 years old withno desire to have children really before I got pregnant, and here I was a Mom in awe. Who cares how your baby gets here as long as it gets here? Like I said screw ups happen, deaths and injury occur and I certainly find the want for natural valid for that reason, but some people are above and beyond about wanting it that way, their way, the planned way, at all costs for no real reason other than fear and control.

One thing I remember but didn’t get at the time, was that my Dr said “don’t let those nurses treat you like you took the easy way out with a c-section, after 17 hours of labor and 3 of pushing before it you essentially did both.” I was like ok, but had no idea why. I get it now, there’s a stigma, and sour opinion, especially among most nurses in the maternity ward that you failed, you didnt try your best or were too lazy. really? the fact that I carried around a baby in my 5 foot 98 lb frame for 9 months wasn’t enough work and pain? the fact that out of that tiny body came a 7lb 3 3/4oz boy who was 21 3/4″ long yeah thats a long baby. But I was lazy? didn’t try hard enough? took the easy way out? you know what I say to anyone who thinks of a c-section that particular way, fuck you. yep fuck you.

If you just have no idea what its about and are just going along with ” the ideas and ideals” you’ve heard all your life regarding this, get over it. We were all born with free will ladies, and fortunately for me I inherited enough “don’t give a damn what others think in any way” that i could care less ahead of time what “the perfect birth plan” was. My perfect birth plan was to bring home my son. He’s gonna be 8 in Nov, aside from that the rest is filler.

I have to have a c-section with this one in December, I would have liked to try a regular vaginal birth ((with drugs of course)) but i can’t, so you know what, next subject, next worry, next issue. why dwell and pout and feel like a failure? Look at what I endured clueless at 23 and here I am willing to try it again after all that and not even upset. Sure the recovery is a slight bitch (regular is no picnic anyway) and I get to be a princess and get taken care of, cooked for, my other kid taken to and from school cause I can’t do our stairs at first…yeah that’s a tough life, getting waited on for a week or two…

Nothing in life goes according to plan and I learned a long long time ago that planning is your first mistake, be prepared yes, but planning is almost like asking for a wrench to be thrown in…I swear it.  besides ever seen a c-section baby? they are pretty the minute the crap is cleaned off of them…no mis-shapen heads or anything ha ha

so take my little story, theory, rant as you will and know I’m not judging, just informing, and that includes myself. i just don’t get the stigma and stick in the mud attitude, so here I am hoping to educate myself or possibly someone else.

Have a lovely day!!

it is time to put into words this awful obsession January 7, 2008

technically we had been not trying not to conceive since Feb of 2007. We threw precautions to the wind, but I wasn’t obsessed or checking my ovulation or anything or really even paying too much attention to when a/f would come, it was always about 29 days. When I got pregnant I actually thought we skipped the week I was supposed to ovulate cause I was turning 30 and the drinking would be aplenty (we celebrate all month when it’s our birthdays, no idea why, we figure we deserve it, so we try to go out once every weekend and it was summer.) Anyway about a week after my birthday I was like OMG I think I’m pregnant.

Since September and my miscarriage I have been obsessed in the worst way with my cycle length, symptoms that more often than not I created for myself hoping and obsessing too much, mind you i obsess really only 3 to 5 days a month before a/f is due.  But as most of you know that is enough to really stress you out and make you crazy. We didn’t really try hard the first 2 months just cause I was still feeling SO bad, but that didn’t stop me from hoping and obsessing anyway. I did it to myself. No one even really knows what I put myself through those few days a month.

What I learned, it took 3 full cycles to get back to a normal 28/29 day cycle. it was anywhere from 27 days to 35 days.  I think I ovulate a few days earlier than “they say” I should. and I need to relax and stop obsessing. How exactly do I do that?? I take a prenatal vitamin with extra calcium and iron as well as a folic acid supplement since September. My Dr. said just start now and go right on through it will only make you healthier and ready to conceive and won’t hurt. Well some days I’m all for eating healthy and taking them, and others I get cranky and say why the hell am I bothering? I’m only going to be disappointed again anyway and I have 3 cups of coffee and skip the pills.  Meanwhile I get a/f and chastise myself like coffee and skipping the pills is the culprit.

I even sound nuts to me now ha ha. oh well I had to get it out. write it down, admit it all. If it’s not such a private obsession maybe I’ll relax a little, or maybe see that it’s actually somewhat normal and relax too?

So I want to try hard this month, without “feeling like I’m trying hard” and obsess just a tiny bit less. Anyone have suggestions, or feel the same, or finally let it go after feeling the same and relaxed? I’m all ears.

(p.s.- monica remember Anders birthday request? if I were to let’s say get pregnant this month it would be 30 days before his b-day, next month it would be his b-day, nothing like a little pressure huh? ha ha see told you I’m obsessed, maybe I should have someone smack me?)

perspective December 5, 2007

I’m at work. I’m supposed to be working. I feel like poo. I was fine yesterday. I sat down at like 7:30 realized my throat hurt and I had a headache and this morning I feel terrible. Nothing quite hurts per se, but nothing feels quite right either. I popped a couple extra vitamin C’s and brought some soup to work. I rarely get sick so when I do it feels 10 times worse. So I’ve been screwing around online to avoid actual work and making my head feel worse.

 Christmas is pretty close. I started shopping, then I stopped. I feel okay about it and then I don’t. Unfortunately no matter how I feel about it this year I have to keep up appearances. There is a certain 7 year old who needs and expects it. And he has no idea that sometimes I’m still sad because he never had a clue I was pregnant in the first place. I’m just tired. tired of feeling set back and then tired of feeling guilty about feeling like I just want to heal and move on. I’m tired of being on the fence about trying again right now.

At this time of year though I do try to put things in perspective. There is nothing physically wrong with me, and I will have another child when it happens. Some people try with no result, some people lose their babies after the miracle of conceiving and some even carry close to term and then experience loss. Loss is loss yes but it does pain me and put my loss into perspective to read and hear about what other women who struggle and will struggle and have struggled go through. It is one of the most unfair things I have ever come across. Even at a young age I had empathy for people who wanted children and don’t have them. It’s a terrible world where people can smoke and drink during pregnancy and the baby is fine, and that people who don’t want children or abuse children pop them out like pez and the parents who are so deserving and so desperately want to give love are the ones with the struggle and pain.

Perspective I think is what keeps me going. I’m going to go home tonight and hug Anders and send all of you hopeful struggling moms out there a thought and a prayer. (I’d kiss him but I don’t want him to catch my cold).

dream weaver October 18, 2007

Let me start out by saying that it is a very rare occasion if I remember any of my dreams once I’ve woken up. maybe once a month and it’s bits and pieces at that and then completely forgotten by the days end.

The passed few weeks I’ve been remembering big parts of dreams I’ve had. Or realizing I remember them when something sparks the memory.

The first one I recall having a few weeks ago is that I was in a labor & delivery room, it was bright, there was lots of confusion. My Dr. (a man I’ve never seen before) was telling me it was time to push. I was trying to tell him that I wasn’t far enough along to be in labor in fact I wasn’t even pregnant that I could recall.  I wasn’t even showing yet or anything. He insisted that didn’t matter. Next thing I know I’m looking at a large, pudgie, little boy with peach skin, dark hair, dark eyes and huge dimples (i can still recall the face in detail, which is odd and despite being an artist I doubt I could ever lay it down on paper). I’m still confused and still in shock.  I start asking questions and wake up.

The next few are just pieces but they are the same really. (So it took from the Sept 4th m/c til October 9th to get my first AF. which happened to be the very day I’d have been 12 weeks along) I had a dream that despite getting AF, I was indeed pregnant already and that was spotting only. that’s all I recall from the first one. Then I recall worrying about a few glasses of wine I had, or the fact that I had a few cigarettes. Other dreams I would worry about insurance coverage and the fact that I skipped my vitamins on any given day. These little thoughts tend to blend with my life while awake and make me wonder should I eat this, or drink that. I know, a bit ridiculous, but hey I haven’t had a cigarette in almost 5 days and haven’t been jonesing for one either which we all know is a huge help with my health and any future child.

I know full well I’m not pregnant. I also know full well these dreams are a combination of losing a baby and wanting to try again soon. Subconscious guilt and blame for losing, subconscious avoidance of guilt and blame should anything go wrong again down the line? I suppose if I have all my ducks in a row the better off I am, except that you can’t plan and prepare for loss, accidents, and such…they just happen. The randomness of it all is quite unsettling.

guilty? September 20, 2007

it always amazes me my ability to throw myself at someone else’s woes. I’m sure it’s most often just the promise of distraction that does it, and always because it’s someone I love dearly.

 I have a friend, C. she was seeing someone who lived in Ireland. They were so happy in love. It seemed impossible to meet someone online and fall that hard, and fall even harder when seeing them multiple times in person. But she did, they did. All seemed well too for a long time, she had even gone back and forth contemplating leaving her life here in the states, her friends and family and moving there to be with him. Well thankfully, she didn’t. He was here, he was supposed to be here for 2 more weeks. He left. He let her go to work on Monday and went through her things including her computer, apparently searching for some kind of incriminating evidence of cheating. There was none, there is none. She’s as loyal and trustworthy as they come. So when she found out he did this she made a “dig” and said well then I should check your mails…(she had no intention of doing so and was about to tell him as much and that she trusted him when he turned red, put his head down and acted guilty himself) so she checked ,there was a particular woman that he seemed to converse with intimately enough for her to type things like “give your son sweet dream kisses for me” and for him to type “C will be at work all day out of the house, I’ll be online”.

So I acknowledged the pain but went straight for advice and logical thinking. He was the one doing something wrong, he felt so guilty that he had hoped to find something on C’s end that would make him less guilty or her just a guilty. The plan backfired and now they are in separate countries once again wondering what happened. Only he copied her hard drive and is going through the entire thing sitting online in Ireland right now and told her he was doing it. Still looking for something to make him feel less guilty?

Why can’t people just be happy? With all the bad things that can and do happen, with all the struggle, with all the loss….isn’t it just a little bit of happiness we really want?

So that was my distraction today, spent a bit too much time on myspace and I do have some work to do….everyone needs a break right?