for real? October 15, 2009

I’m a witch, snarky, mean, short fused, pissy witch (My poor family).

I feel so alone and mean and misunderstood. I’m still dealing with so much internally and quite a few things “externally”. I actually can admit I don’t like myself. I don’t like anyone. I love my kids, I love Walker. I dislike me, how I feel and they way I have been acting.

I have an overwhelming feeling of dread, worry, being trapped. I feel like I have mini panic attacks that I talk myself down from a couple times a month. It’s 10 times worse during PMS and Aunt Flo.

Though, I still feel so much better than I did with the bipolar and post partum at its worst. I haven’t had a dangerous, irrational or harmful thought in quite some time. I mean I wish I could get in my car sometimes and run away and change my name, but I think we all do at some point, it’s an escape in our own minds.

I miss drinking copious amount of alcohol and being retarded with my friends on occasion. The hangover w/a baby isn’t even worth it anymore. I miss my friends. Why? They ditched me over something really stupid last year the day after my birthday. 4 months before Chase was due and said “good luck with the baby”, but never said they were “done” though I knew you don’t say that if you’ll be around 4 months down the road. I stood by one of them when their marriage fell apart cause she got “mind fucked” by her affair guy who was also a seriously shitty cop. He had several girls, pitted them against each other played with their heads and he’s married. He was a prize. Helped her get rid of him and work it out with her husband who she belonged with and became happy with him again, then her mom’s brain cancer came back and I held her and her family up while she systematically shut down and died over the course of 8 months. During which they were terrible to me (I didn’t hold it against them, my mom isn’t sick I can’t comprehend and didn’t take offense). One of their daughters is a bad seed; she stole from me and lied. Though it was a dumb thing to steal and meant nothing it was the principal, steal and lie…not ok.…they didn’t get it and basically left me.

I find it very hard to trust people now, especially women. My sex life sucks, mostly cause I hate my body, I hate my skin and I can’t even stand to think about being naked or touched most of the time. Not that we have time, or privacy most days and nights. Once or twice a month is not nearly ok. I think I want it, I plan on it earlier in the day and then I purposely lay down and pass out on the couch cause I just can’t do it.

I love Chase, but some days I still do not like him very much. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m mean to Walker. I fly off  the handle SO easy. I do it in front of Anders now, I don’t care. That’s so bad. I try to go outside and calm myself, and yeah sometimes it works. Better than never I suppose.

I think I miss me. I haven’t been me or felt like me in forever, since before I lost the baby, that’s been a long time. It changes you…and I don’t know how to be this person and be happy.

I feel stuck. A lot, I feel stuck. With no one to commiserate or understand or just listen anymore. No one but you.

appt summary August 28, 2009

1. the guy seems nice but he does this weird uh huh thing thats almost like a grunt and he does it after EVERYTHING I say. annoying!

2. It was basically a summary of the past 8 years-ish, my ex, my relationship with my parents then and now kinda thing, what brings me back to therapy? blah blah blah.

3. He seemed to be pushing hard the idea that Walker isn’t pulling his weight…but really pushing. Is therapy about blame??? So next week I am going to tell him ALL walker does do. Yeah he could be a lil more helpful and supportive but he’s not a slacker or an asshole. He works 45 to 55 hours a week to make up for me not working full time, he picks up every other sunday work. He pays a lot more of our bills without taking from me. he tries his best. i just feel like the guy made a somewhat quick judgement without all the facts. I’ll give him 4 appts, if he still annoys me and is big on blame, I’m out.

*don’t get me wrong he added a lil fault with me but i just felt like he “attacked” walker’s character or something. the man is a saint for putting up with me most of the time.

the biggest things August 18, 2009

that helped me realize I need help.

disclaimer: I have no doubt that there isn’t judgement for these thoughts from my friends on here but there could be from lurkers and/or strangers happening through. If you feel the need to comment negatively just don’t comment at all please.

2 thoughts I had that scared the shit out of me.

1. I wonder if Anders would get over my death or it would scar him for life? (Chase would be too young to remember me).

2. If I smothered him he’d never hurt again and I’d get some sleep (um hello?!?! I knew I wouldn’t but the thought alone is so awful I was ashamed I even went there at all)

and the other 2 main things were comments from other people.

1. I don’t remember what I was doing but I text Walker that I was going where ever and his response was “try to have fun, try to smile”. and I thought am I really that bad? yeah I am.

2. Anders accidentally broke a small mirror I use for make-up. He apologized profusely, I told him it wasn’t a big deal and I wasn’t mad. He kept apologizing all night, and said I know you’re probably mad and just waiting to get me (as in torture w/tickles or scare him or get mad) he apparently has been walking on eggshells around me and trying his hardest to be at his Dad’s more than home.

these 4 things alone lit a fire under my ass to get help, cause while I’d at this point never do more than ponder the thoughts, I’ve seen what not getting help and not telling people you aren’t ok can lead to down the road. Poor Andrea Yates, I swear to god I know how she could do it, it’s terrible and I am not shifting blame or saying it was a great idea but I can sympathize with her state of mind and how sick she really was. That poor family.

Walker’s Mom took the baby over night last night, and wouldn’t it just figure that after 8 months of no sleep I woke up at 2:30 and 5 am anyway? of course not having to get out of bed and feed or comfort a screaming infant was great either way.

I feel better just knowing I helped myself and am working at it. the doubled meds for only six days are starting to take some of the edge off on my snipping and snapping at people (though I almost threw a chicken in the garbage for not being done when it should have been Sunday night, but I didn’t cry or retreat to my room or yell at anyone else like I have been). Of course the littlest things can make me cry but thats a given I’m hoping therapy helps me find ways of coping with this.

 

I also now know that a lot of what happened between my ex and I was mostly due to the birth of Anders making my bipolar ten fold then the wrong meds 3 times screwing up my sex life, my interest in anything I loved, and my general state of mind, I didn’t care at all. people would ask if I was happy I’d say I just don’t care if I’m happy or sad (walking zombie type feelings). I would have eventually left him because of his Mother issues and other things, but i have no doubt that made it worse faster. It is what it is right? learn and move on.

I will not let this ruin my relationship with Walker. It took me so long to find happiness that wasn’t work all the time. It’s always work but this wasn’t just me working at it. We’re a team and he’s so wonderful. He tried to make my birthday great, it wasn’t a complete wash but it was a struggle that day. The rest of the weekend was much better incl. him calling out and we went to the beach. It was a good day all around. I’ll take it.

I’m also calling a dermatologist, because on top of all this I am still breaking out like a 15 year old and looking in the mirror either makes my angry or upset, not good, especially right now. I’m gonna ask about a peel or treatment cause they are also scarring my skin, not pretty.

Thank you guys for being here and being you. I really need and appreciate it.

full circle August 14, 2009

let’s just say after anders I had to go onto medication and have therapy. my marriage fell apart as a result of several factors my bipolar and the first few choices of meds to be included.

I had my meds doubled this week and made an appt with a therapist. I’ve been bad. post partum is bad, w/bipolar it is worse. I’ve had thoughts I don’t care to delve into right now.

I’m unhappy with myself, I’m SO tired & there are a lot of days I can’t do this, that I don’t want to do this. Chase is 8 months old and still does not sleep. I found out I was pregnant this weekend 2 years ago and I was not pregnant by that same labor day. This year has hit me worse than last year already.

I’ve been unbearable to say the least. my poor family. It makes me feel even worse that this has affected them.

I’m not in a good place but at least I know I reached out for help and will feel better sooner rather than later. I hope so.

a different angle, maybe March 18, 2009

if I’m PPD and/or crazy (aren’t we all?) then I suppose instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself (as if that can be helped) I can inform, help or just let someone else know they are not alone…even if I’m still feeling miserable while doing so. does that make sense?  If one woman feels better knowing this happens or is kinda the norm and no one else in their immediate lives with validate those facts maybe I can be the one who does.

so today’s “for instance” is: I have felt physically like I have been crying and sobbing for days…yet I haven’t cried once. (if this has never happened to you it sounds ridiculous, let me tell you it is the strangest most draining experience in my life). anyone ever feel like that?  you aren’t alone and yes you’re insane grab a straight jacket and meet me for happy hour

here’s a humorous bee in my bonnet (who the hell says that?) Dan.cing with the stars, Belinda Carlisle got old, is seriously stiff and can not dance (who knew? guess she don’t got the beat ha ha!) and being of said “old age” reminds me of my downstairs neighbor whom I hate. a lot. so now I can not listen to the Go-Go’s (who still listens to the Go-Gos?) or I get weak and heaven is a place on earth cause they make me angry ha ha ha. ridiculous!

decisions decisions….back on meds August 13, 2008

so I researched online medical studies and that kind of thing. women who were on it the whole pregnancy and later in pregnancy and emailed them as well as spoke to a woman at St. Peters Hospital who somewhat is trained to know about this stuff. the risk is cleft palette, a 2.9% chance in medicated pregnancies. the risk for any birth defect in any woman not on meds is 3%. so the studies don’t actually show much of an added risk. The baby’s mouth is fully formed and look 100% regular on the 4D ultrasound ( I was on the med for 2 weeks before I realized i was pregnant). The risk for this defect after 3 months of pregnancy is zero because the baby is nearly fully formed in that aspect. The women who did the studies were on 200mg a day and above. I take 75 and it will take me 6 to 8 weeks to get to that dosage, so I’ll be nearly done by then.
 
right now all he’s really doing is getting fat and tall for us (let me tell you he’s plenty strong already, Ive been calling him chuck norris) I still had meds 3 months worth. when I found out I was pregnant I called my med Dr and told her cancelled an appt  and asked her to call me to discuss our game plan after I saw my OB, then left her a message after I saw my OB. she never once called. her patient is a bipolar off meds suddenly who is also pregnant and she didn’t give a crap to contact me and even tried to charge me for the cancelled appt as if I didn’t call. when i finally spoke to her she was a bitch and I realized I need a dr who actually cares a little bit, so I have 3 months to find one. I’ve been doing meds since 23 yrs old, so I’m fine for right now gradually introducing and increasing it on my own until i find someone.
 
Its a tough decision to have to make but I do feel its worth i t. I spend one or two days a week in my bed crying with the curtains drawn like a depressed psycho, thats not healthy…it took me 5 months to get down to that bad of episodes and it is happening closer together. I think the mental risks of me being sick out weigh any risks to the baby at this point in time and until birth.  besides I didn’t do or take anything with A and he had a defect and had to have 4 surgeries, we handle it as moms and get through it no matter what.
 
so I’m back online and the phones to find a better Dr. should be fun ha ha.

that sunshine faded quickly August 11, 2008

**lots of spelling and grammar mistakes and I don’t care, I typed this in like 2 minutes**

 

Automatic extension for unemployment. thats nice. I was told when I called late June or Early July I would get notice before I ran out. well I get my last check on Aug 27th. and I find out today that i have to FILE an application for the automatic extension….did these people have English in school?? AUTOMATIC….file an application??? WTF!?!?! I have to fill it out and have it to them BEFORE August 16. and I may not even start getting them for anywhere from 2 to 6 weeks which means I have absolutely NO income after August 27th. and rent and a truck payment that walker can not cover.

lets just say especially today there is no sunshine, and fittingly enough its stormy and thundering since 9am, before which looked like a picture perfect sunny day…sounds like my life.

anyone wanna purchase a baby in december? bad attempt at a joke, at least I tried.

 

I hate me again, I hate the world again and I am so siuck of feeling more and more distraught and hopeless as time goes by. I was told it all works out, things happen for a reason, and it would all eventually get better? when after I’m homeless? after my first child is taken away cause I can’t afford food and a roof? after I end up in a padded cell and my other child is taken away cause mental patients can’t raise children? when? cause I am so fucking sick of feeling like this I could SCREAM.

dig down deeper…. August 1, 2008

where do I start?

I have been increasingly distraught, depressed, angry, easy to feel hurt and abandoned. I couldn’t figure it out at first. Though being pregnant and an unmedicated bipolar one shouldn’t even give a thought as to why right?

All this back to school and craziness getting ready to start in September seems to make it twice as bad. Not because of money, which is increasingly an issue, but because 2 days after I lost my baby last year I had to muster up enough strength and care to get my living child off to 1st grade. Because everyone here is discussing what their plans for labor day are. Mine are very simple I’m going to try not to stay in bed and feel miserable and I’m going to try not to worry about this baby leaving. Its unlikely that anything will happen to this one besides being born in December, but it sticks in ones mind.

Anders was on vacation with his father this week and will be this weekend, Walker has been working and yay for me played softball 3 times this week, translation? Christyna was alone A LOT, upset A LOT, feeling ABANDONED A LOT, sad, crying, angry A LOT. I wake up alone when A isn’t here, and this week I went to bed alone 3 times. Cried myself to sleep all 3 nights. I feel like Walker can’t tell anyone no, unless its me, he can do that without even saying it. Sure I’ll play softball for you even tho I didn’t play with you all season, and its a double header? no problem (I hear NO being said to me, no I can’t be home with you. No I don’t realize how alone you are and have been, no I don’t realize that this is really getting to you and hurting us). Only I’ve recently told him how I feel and what its been doing to me. and he said well lets do something Friday(tonight). I’m so angry and upset and pissed I don’t even want to be here when he gets home but I’ve isolated all my friends when my bipolar acted up in the beginning of the year and its never been the same so I have no where to go. I don’t want him to feel like he can abandon me when I clearly needed him and make it all up in a matter of a few hours on one night when he happens to have time, and what really really hurts, he’s gone all day Saturday playing softball too! But our friend Kevin will be around so he said at least you’ll have him to keep you company. Oh ok so long as you don’t have to feel guilty right?

I’m so tired of feeling useless, and helpless, and angry, alone, pissed, upset, abandoned. I don’t know how to make it stop. Its not all the time, in fact its usually rare that I feel like this more than an hour or two at a time, until this week. I feel like a shell of myself, empty, pathetic. I just want it to stop. it needs to stop. make it stop.

Before & After February 14, 2008

This is me in June 2007 happy, blissful, naive, before my downward spiral. I never had long hair except maybe one other time in my life. I can remember my ex-husband tearing into me one day and saying “don’t you realize that you cut and dye you hair when you’re not happy, especially with yourself?”. I responded with~ I’m an artist, I like cosmetology (went to school for it for a while) I like change especially where hair is concerned, it’s just hair it grows back and it has nothing to do with me not being happy or not liking myself. Well I it took me nearly 2 years to grow that hair out and within 3 days of my m/c up to now, I have systematically chopped it all off. and inch or 3 at a time. Other than August up to now, I have been ridiculously happy and chipper and managed pretty damn well to handle everything thrown at me in stride, a nasty divorce, my nastier ex in laws, my parents moving to Florida, severing ties with my hurtful sister. Happy, long healthy hair, ok skin, great eating habits and exercise.

This is me this month, in the early days of this month. My skin has been terrible, my eating habits suck, I’ve been down, self critical, self loathing and very very moody, I’ve gained almost 10 lbs since September. and since September I have cut 8 to 10 inches of my hair off. He was right. I cut and dye my hair obsessively when I’m not happy with myself. Or when I’m in a depressive phase, on a whim maybe even the little bit manic for a day I just decide don’t tell anyone and CHOP IT ALL OFF….which is fine I can totally pull off short hair BUT i hate it. I do, it was great and easy for like 2 weeks and now I want my hair back…maybe I just want my happy back? same difference I think.

I have an appointment to go back on my meds on the 21st. the earliest they can fit a crazy bipolar who’s having a bad time in?? stupid people. and I have a therapist appointment on the 23rd. No more ttc could be 6 months, a year, forever, I’m not sure yet. I have to call my dermatologist as well because at the wonderful age of 30 my skin decides I had it too easy at 17 and got no pimples so I am paying for it now. it is SO bad, it’s painful and it’s abundant and it makes me feel horrible everyday. I started changing my diet already and throwing in some sit ups and things at home. I want to run but it is so shitty outside that I can’t…I can drop that 10lbs in 2 months but I have to run. I just keep telling myself, by the time you can run, spring will be here and your meds will have kicked in and life will be at the very least 50% better than it is now which is the only thing that keeps me from feeling worse and keeps me functioning. Winter is always worse for me than any other season with getting down, but I’ve always managed to keep above water before this year.

I’m down a lot, the sex drive is non existent, I’m snappy and weepy and probably such a pill to live with and I feel so bad for Anders & Walker for putting up with me. (enter irrational self loathing for being shitty to them brought on by bipolar). It’s a never ending cycle…for now…it will come to a screeching halt by March, the pills will see to that.

and..yes and…there’s more. My Aunt has lung cancer. through out both her lungs, tiny masses, and in one of them a mass the size of an orange. this is my father’s last sibling and together they buried 2 brothers and both their parents. this is devastating. she lives in Florida near my parents (one of the reasons they moved there was to be with her more often). I’m in NJ. this is devastating.

Thank you Mon, Basil, Julia, Rachel, Becky & silent lurkers for caring, reading, checking on me, posting, lurking it helps, it means a lot and it lets me know I’m not alone.

My tattoo guy (who’s a friend and fellow artist) is coming by on Saturday. I love self inflicted pain that ends in art, there is something so therapeutic about getting a tattoo. here’s the start of my 1/4 sleeve …I’ll post another after he’s done (it’s going to have vibrant cherry blossoms and some shaded Japanese clouds among the stars). I’m crazy I know. I have like 11 tattoos I love them. my skin is a canvas and on it I paint my life, each one comes with memories of a time or have a meaning because of something I’ve gone through…each one comes with letting go and healing. so Saturday will be the start of my journey in healing the broken parts of me that I felt I could ignore lately…

Captain Crankypants October 24, 2007

It’s gray, it’s raining. Fits my mood, or did it sway my mood to fit the weather?

I’m tired and a wee bit cranky. (being at a job when I HATE my boss doesn’t exactly help the mood either though). This would be the week I ovulate. So we’ve been ttc. Last night neither one of us wanted to bother. We were tired, spent and ready for sleep. I didn’t even feel like it this morning to make up for it. Oh well. The only true bad part of that is if, and I say if cause we have to always hope, I get AF I’ll be upset and be mad that we skipped yesterday. eh. shit happens.

I’m young, I’m healthy and for the most part happy. I can muddle through a cranky gray day with the best of them. 

sidenote: I felt small sharp (but not really painful) shooting pains on my right side last night and this morning (ovulation no doubt) but I’ve been crampy, not AF crampy tho, for like 2 days. The fertility pee sticks I have done once a day everyday since Friday say no ovulation….what is up with all the contradictory signs? Thinking about all this makes me tired and makes the process a little bit less joyful. I say next month we leave it up to chance….