for real? October 15, 2009

I’m a witch, snarky, mean, short fused, pissy witch (My poor family).

I feel so alone and mean and misunderstood. I’m still dealing with so much internally and quite a few things “externally”. I actually can admit I don’t like myself. I don’t like anyone. I love my kids, I love Walker. I dislike me, how I feel and they way I have been acting.

I have an overwhelming feeling of dread, worry, being trapped. I feel like I have mini panic attacks that I talk myself down from a couple times a month. It’s 10 times worse during PMS and Aunt Flo.

Though, I still feel so much better than I did with the bipolar and post partum at its worst. I haven’t had a dangerous, irrational or harmful thought in quite some time. I mean I wish I could get in my car sometimes and run away and change my name, but I think we all do at some point, it’s an escape in our own minds.

I miss drinking copious amount of alcohol and being retarded with my friends on occasion. The hangover w/a baby isn’t even worth it anymore. I miss my friends. Why? They ditched me over something really stupid last year the day after my birthday. 4 months before Chase was due and said “good luck with the baby”, but never said they were “done” though I knew you don’t say that if you’ll be around 4 months down the road. I stood by one of them when their marriage fell apart cause she got “mind fucked” by her affair guy who was also a seriously shitty cop. He had several girls, pitted them against each other played with their heads and he’s married. He was a prize. Helped her get rid of him and work it out with her husband who she belonged with and became happy with him again, then her mom’s brain cancer came back and I held her and her family up while she systematically shut down and died over the course of 8 months. During which they were terrible to me (I didn’t hold it against them, my mom isn’t sick I can’t comprehend and didn’t take offense). One of their daughters is a bad seed; she stole from me and lied. Though it was a dumb thing to steal and meant nothing it was the principal, steal and lie…not ok.…they didn’t get it and basically left me.

I find it very hard to trust people now, especially women. My sex life sucks, mostly cause I hate my body, I hate my skin and I can’t even stand to think about being naked or touched most of the time. Not that we have time, or privacy most days and nights. Once or twice a month is not nearly ok. I think I want it, I plan on it earlier in the day and then I purposely lay down and pass out on the couch cause I just can’t do it.

I love Chase, but some days I still do not like him very much. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m mean to Walker. I fly off  the handle SO easy. I do it in front of Anders now, I don’t care. That’s so bad. I try to go outside and calm myself, and yeah sometimes it works. Better than never I suppose.

I think I miss me. I haven’t been me or felt like me in forever, since before I lost the baby, that’s been a long time. It changes you…and I don’t know how to be this person and be happy.

I feel stuck. A lot, I feel stuck. With no one to commiserate or understand or just listen anymore. No one but you.

appt summary August 28, 2009

1. the guy seems nice but he does this weird uh huh thing thats almost like a grunt and he does it after EVERYTHING I say. annoying!

2. It was basically a summary of the past 8 years-ish, my ex, my relationship with my parents then and now kinda thing, what brings me back to therapy? blah blah blah.

3. He seemed to be pushing hard the idea that Walker isn’t pulling his weight…but really pushing. Is therapy about blame??? So next week I am going to tell him ALL walker does do. Yeah he could be a lil more helpful and supportive but he’s not a slacker or an asshole. He works 45 to 55 hours a week to make up for me not working full time, he picks up every other sunday work. He pays a lot more of our bills without taking from me. he tries his best. i just feel like the guy made a somewhat quick judgement without all the facts. I’ll give him 4 appts, if he still annoys me and is big on blame, I’m out.

*don’t get me wrong he added a lil fault with me but i just felt like he “attacked” walker’s character or something. the man is a saint for putting up with me most of the time.

full circle August 14, 2009

let’s just say after anders I had to go onto medication and have therapy. my marriage fell apart as a result of several factors my bipolar and the first few choices of meds to be included.

I had my meds doubled this week and made an appt with a therapist. I’ve been bad. post partum is bad, w/bipolar it is worse. I’ve had thoughts I don’t care to delve into right now.

I’m unhappy with myself, I’m SO tired & there are a lot of days I can’t do this, that I don’t want to do this. Chase is 8 months old and still does not sleep. I found out I was pregnant this weekend 2 years ago and I was not pregnant by that same labor day. This year has hit me worse than last year already.

I’ve been unbearable to say the least. my poor family. It makes me feel even worse that this has affected them.

I’m not in a good place but at least I know I reached out for help and will feel better sooner rather than later. I hope so.

Before & After February 14, 2008

This is me in June 2007 happy, blissful, naive, before my downward spiral. I never had long hair except maybe one other time in my life. I can remember my ex-husband tearing into me one day and saying “don’t you realize that you cut and dye you hair when you’re not happy, especially with yourself?”. I responded with~ I’m an artist, I like cosmetology (went to school for it for a while) I like change especially where hair is concerned, it’s just hair it grows back and it has nothing to do with me not being happy or not liking myself. Well I it took me nearly 2 years to grow that hair out and within 3 days of my m/c up to now, I have systematically chopped it all off. and inch or 3 at a time. Other than August up to now, I have been ridiculously happy and chipper and managed pretty damn well to handle everything thrown at me in stride, a nasty divorce, my nastier ex in laws, my parents moving to Florida, severing ties with my hurtful sister. Happy, long healthy hair, ok skin, great eating habits and exercise.

This is me this month, in the early days of this month. My skin has been terrible, my eating habits suck, I’ve been down, self critical, self loathing and very very moody, I’ve gained almost 10 lbs since September. and since September I have cut 8 to 10 inches of my hair off. He was right. I cut and dye my hair obsessively when I’m not happy with myself. Or when I’m in a depressive phase, on a whim maybe even the little bit manic for a day I just decide don’t tell anyone and CHOP IT ALL OFF….which is fine I can totally pull off short hair BUT i hate it. I do, it was great and easy for like 2 weeks and now I want my hair back…maybe I just want my happy back? same difference I think.

I have an appointment to go back on my meds on the 21st. the earliest they can fit a crazy bipolar who’s having a bad time in?? stupid people. and I have a therapist appointment on the 23rd. No more ttc could be 6 months, a year, forever, I’m not sure yet. I have to call my dermatologist as well because at the wonderful age of 30 my skin decides I had it too easy at 17 and got no pimples so I am paying for it now. it is SO bad, it’s painful and it’s abundant and it makes me feel horrible everyday. I started changing my diet already and throwing in some sit ups and things at home. I want to run but it is so shitty outside that I can’t…I can drop that 10lbs in 2 months but I have to run. I just keep telling myself, by the time you can run, spring will be here and your meds will have kicked in and life will be at the very least 50% better than it is now which is the only thing that keeps me from feeling worse and keeps me functioning. Winter is always worse for me than any other season with getting down, but I’ve always managed to keep above water before this year.

I’m down a lot, the sex drive is non existent, I’m snappy and weepy and probably such a pill to live with and I feel so bad for Anders & Walker for putting up with me. (enter irrational self loathing for being shitty to them brought on by bipolar). It’s a never ending cycle…for now…it will come to a screeching halt by March, the pills will see to that.

and..yes and…there’s more. My Aunt has lung cancer. through out both her lungs, tiny masses, and in one of them a mass the size of an orange. this is my father’s last sibling and together they buried 2 brothers and both their parents. this is devastating. she lives in Florida near my parents (one of the reasons they moved there was to be with her more often). I’m in NJ. this is devastating.

Thank you Mon, Basil, Julia, Rachel, Becky & silent lurkers for caring, reading, checking on me, posting, lurking it helps, it means a lot and it lets me know I’m not alone.

My tattoo guy (who’s a friend and fellow artist) is coming by on Saturday. I love self inflicted pain that ends in art, there is something so therapeutic about getting a tattoo. here’s the start of my 1/4 sleeve …I’ll post another after he’s done (it’s going to have vibrant cherry blossoms and some shaded Japanese clouds among the stars). I’m crazy I know. I have like 11 tattoos I love them. my skin is a canvas and on it I paint my life, each one comes with memories of a time or have a meaning because of something I’ve gone through…each one comes with letting go and healing. so Saturday will be the start of my journey in healing the broken parts of me that I felt I could ignore lately…