that helped me realize I need help.
disclaimer: I have no doubt that there isn’t judgement for these thoughts from my friends on here but there could be from lurkers and/or strangers happening through. If you feel the need to comment negatively just don’t comment at all please.
2 thoughts I had that scared the shit out of me.
1. I wonder if Anders would get over my death or it would scar him for life? (Chase would be too young to remember me).
2. If I smothered him he’d never hurt again and I’d get some sleep (um hello?!?! I knew I wouldn’t but the thought alone is so awful I was ashamed I even went there at all)
and the other 2 main things were comments from other people.
1. I don’t remember what I was doing but I text Walker that I was going where ever and his response was “try to have fun, try to smile”. and I thought am I really that bad? yeah I am.
2. Anders accidentally broke a small mirror I use for make-up. He apologized profusely, I told him it wasn’t a big deal and I wasn’t mad. He kept apologizing all night, and said I know you’re probably mad and just waiting to get me (as in torture w/tickles or scare him or get mad) he apparently has been walking on eggshells around me and trying his hardest to be at his Dad’s more than home.
these 4 things alone lit a fire under my ass to get help, cause while I’d at this point never do more than ponder the thoughts, I’ve seen what not getting help and not telling people you aren’t ok can lead to down the road. Poor Andrea Yates, I swear to god I know how she could do it, it’s terrible and I am not shifting blame or saying it was a great idea but I can sympathize with her state of mind and how sick she really was. That poor family.
Walker’s Mom took the baby over night last night, and wouldn’t it just figure that after 8 months of no sleep I woke up at 2:30 and 5 am anyway? of course not having to get out of bed and feed or comfort a screaming infant was great either way.
I feel better just knowing I helped myself and am working at it. the doubled meds for only six days are starting to take some of the edge off on my snipping and snapping at people (though I almost threw a chicken in the garbage for not being done when it should have been Sunday night, but I didn’t cry or retreat to my room or yell at anyone else like I have been). Of course the littlest things can make me cry but thats a given I’m hoping therapy helps me find ways of coping with this.
I also now know that a lot of what happened between my ex and I was mostly due to the birth of Anders making my bipolar ten fold then the wrong meds 3 times screwing up my sex life, my interest in anything I loved, and my general state of mind, I didn’t care at all. people would ask if I was happy I’d say I just don’t care if I’m happy or sad (walking zombie type feelings). I would have eventually left him because of his Mother issues and other things, but i have no doubt that made it worse faster. It is what it is right? learn and move on.
I will not let this ruin my relationship with Walker. It took me so long to find happiness that wasn’t work all the time. It’s always work but this wasn’t just me working at it. We’re a team and he’s so wonderful. He tried to make my birthday great, it wasn’t a complete wash but it was a struggle that day. The rest of the weekend was much better incl. him calling out and we went to the beach. It was a good day all around. I’ll take it.
I’m also calling a dermatologist, because on top of all this I am still breaking out like a 15 year old and looking in the mirror either makes my angry or upset, not good, especially right now. I’m gonna ask about a peel or treatment cause they are also scarring my skin, not pretty.
Thank you guys for being here and being you. I really need and appreciate it.
