a different angle, maybe March 18, 2009

if I’m PPD and/or crazy (aren’t we all?) then I suppose instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself (as if that can be helped) I can inform, help or just let someone else know they are not alone…even if I’m still feeling miserable while doing so. does that make sense?  If one woman feels better knowing this happens or is kinda the norm and no one else in their immediate lives with validate those facts maybe I can be the one who does.

so today’s “for instance” is: I have felt physically like I have been crying and sobbing for days…yet I haven’t cried once. (if this has never happened to you it sounds ridiculous, let me tell you it is the strangest most draining experience in my life). anyone ever feel like that?  you aren’t alone and yes you’re insane grab a straight jacket and meet me for happy hour

here’s a humorous bee in my bonnet (who the hell says that?) Dan.cing with the stars, Belinda Carlisle got old, is seriously stiff and can not dance (who knew? guess she don’t got the beat ha ha!) and being of said “old age” reminds me of my downstairs neighbor whom I hate. a lot. so now I can not listen to the Go-Go’s (who still listens to the Go-Gos?) or I get weak and heaven is a place on earth cause they make me angry ha ha ha. ridiculous!

if you’re happy and you know it… March 16, 2009

you’re not me…

I know to some people, especially in “the club” that this post may feel like I am ungrateful or am wasting a gift that they have and would give anything to get. BUT for those who know me well enough to know I’d never ever mean it that way thank you.

I am absolutely hating everything about my life. I hate being a mom, I hate babies, I hate Walker, i resent him, his working full time, his making what I used to make, his getting to be “Dad” instead of Mom, his getting more sleep, I find barely any joy in any day i have to be home with them. I smile and laugh but sometimes I want to scream ore throw myself down a flight of stairs or leave and never come back. Fortunately for the boys I have a well honed knack for knowing who I would be letting down, who I would damage, who I would hurt by doing any of these things I feel like doing. It has taken many many years with bipolar and no meds at all to hone said skills. Telling myself I’m irrational or I don’t mean it or I’m too much of a coward to do bad things, or that I’m just a lazy ass complainer who is never happy. and so on. kinda like there are 2 me’s. the smarter rational one (take that with a VERY big grain of salt cause i use those terms loosely) and the irrational destructive one. always arguing in my head when its bad.  I suppose that would be what having scizophrenia would be like if it was ten fold 24/7.  The meds help. But there will always be people in your life that think they are a cure all, and you have to ever so sad and humbly remind them that you are indeed sick and always will be.

I’m not sure what my problem is. sleep depravation added to that babies make everthing wonderful bubble being burst, its just so much harder sometimes than I remember. and of course add to that the losing end of the never ending fight with my closet, feeling like a horrible person for thinking some of these things…this whole thing just needs to get a little easier or I need to just feel better about all this.  I honestly don’t even know what I’m saying or feeling right now…lost, disconnected and tired I suppose. BUT I can smile sometimes despite all this. I love my boys, I really do.

and the other son makes me laugh too March 6, 2009

him and his father discussing players on an English Soccer team:

Anders: “Dad, do you think Rooney and Ronaldo go to the same school in England?” (keep in mind they are like 23/24 yrs old.)

Me: “No buddy, they’re too old for school now.”

Anders: “Maybe they’re neighbours, though. Do you think their parents live next to each other?”

Me: <LAUGHING> “Probably not. They have too much money to be living with their parents anymore.”

Anders: “How much money?”

Me: “A lot. A REAL LOT.”

Anders: I wanna be a professional soccer player when I grow up. Then I could buy more Star wars figures.”

ahh the days when toys were all that mattered…he’s freaking awesome, and both kids made me laugh really hard today…pair it with Friday and you have: happy lady (even tho I got another filling today), 2 in one day!! you shocked???

sorry sorry sorry March 6, 2009

I was absent again but here’s a pic to make anyone smile, and you are so smiling, maybe even laughing right now.

here’s the story:

we got the bumb.o yesterday he LOVES it. cause he’s nosey and wants to be where we are, so he was on the kitchen counter while we made coffee and packed lunch this morning…we looked over and found this:  sofa king funny!!!