Last Day of April Meme April 30, 2008

Rachel http://www.raspberrychip.blogspot.com/ has tagged me (i still haven’t figured out how to link with just a name). There are no exact rules for this meme, but I’m supposed to list 10 things that have been keeping me busy.  

1. Peeing every 2 to 3 hours and the subsequent TP inspections
2. Anders school and baseball things (practice, pictures, games, luncheons, projects)
3. Gardening and planning which plants need repotting or new soil and when I can finally put my veggies in the ground.
4. Waiting for the day I can announce to everyone I love that I will be having a baby in december
5. cleaning (or thinking about cleaning cause some days I just don’t do it).
6. what to get for the parents for Mother’s and Father’s Day.
7. Missing my Aunt and being grateful that everyone in my immediate family has been smoke free for a month or longer.
8. reading a book by Augusten Burroughs, a selection of short stories, they’re very funny i love him.
9. trying to get motivated enough to go downstairs and create some amazing art (which means finally finishing the few I promised people, I swear they will be done soon!)
10. Watching the food network like a stalker watches his obsession ha ha, I love food and I love watching people cook it, gives me wonderful ideas. Chicken scallopini tonight with spring vegetables MMMMMMM

I’m tagging   Basilbean, Becky & Monica   get busy ladies!!

Seven April 30, 2008

Happens to be one of my favorite numbers. Anders was born on the 7th. I’m 7 weeks today. I just like the number 7, seems lucky and happy.

I have been trying to take my prenatals later in the day with lunch or dinner cause they seem to be making the digestive issues worse. I wake up and eat a bowl of K.ix or C.heerios within 5 minutes of getting out of bed to avoid nausea or lessen it. Mint tea if it still comes on. Some mornings I’m good, some I would rather puke. But I will not complain. Nights bring acid reflux, burping, indigestion and/or nausea. I will not complain. My boobs are really heavy, often sore and have been subjected to wearing sports bras already. I will welcome every inconvenient, annoying symptom. Because it is a sign that the hormones are still climbing and this little baby is still growing.

7 weeks, that means almost a full week of heartbeats. That means 5 weeks to go until I am nearly home free (for me, being I had no real health or IF issues). My Mother calls almost everyday to shoot the breeze and I wish she wouldn’t cause I want to spill and tell her SO bad but I won’t.

I’m not going to get a beta before my appointment I can wait 16 more days for my appointment to see or hear and be put more at ease. Still haven’t thought of a nickname. We technically don’t refer to a “baby” in there. we say IT or talk about me being pregnant and how life will change but conveniently never mention IT. I did say to IT yesterday, well baby we made it to 7 weeks, this is gonna work. I think Walker is more scared than me. For several reasons. the biggest 1. he can’t feel how much better this one physically feels despite the symptoms. I really was uncomfortable and seriously bloated and in a little pain and constantly cramping. I feel great physically and mentally other than the worry. I swear for an hour yesterday while watching TV I even forgot i was pg. until i had to pee. and the other is he’s afraid to love and get attached for fear of loss. It’s sweet. One night after drinking with his friends he woke me up to tell me he is excited and happy but is afraid to be. I get it. I’m on the fence some days myself.

Thank you all for you well wishes, your support, your agreement, your sympathy, your understanding. It really does help so much to not feel strange, alone, misunderstood. A place where TP checks are normal daily business and being afraid to be all the way happy and optimistic is ok. I love this world and the people I found in it, I’m just sad that we all have to be here in the first place.

big brother goes insane, otherwise known as growing up April 28, 2008

So I have noticed a lot in the past few months that Anders is so much more grown up than I wanted to admit. He’s got stupid sayings and jokes (the same ones we all had between 8 and 12) he’s almost done with the first grade, he’s nearly as tall as I am and he’s a super wiseass.  He walks around saying odd things, making odd faces and I realized he’s not doing it just to get laughs, he is now actually starting to believe he’s cool. it’s quite amusing.  and a little alarming thinking he’s gonna be a big influence on a sibling, ha ha.

so I have spent my days stuffing my face, getting burpy, heartburn, and acid reflux. I pee every 2 to 3 hours. I’m tired, so I try to take at least a one hour nap a day. But I have spent the last 2 days inspecting the toilet paper after every said pee like a world class detective. over thinking every twinge and cramp. Is this it? is that how it started? any blood? Don’t get me wrong there are minutes at a time I forget entirely that the pee stick was positive and then I have to pee or I’m hungry. I was just thinking maybe I should call the Dr and ask to get a blood test now to make sure my beta is normal. I was thinking once I made it to Weds and 7 weeks I’d feel better. I will and I won’t I’m sure. Once I go to the DR and hear the heartbeat at almost 10 weeks I will relax. or maybe I will relax every day from today on out a little more. it’s the waiting for everyday from today on out that sucks.

I also have to think about getting back to some type of work shortly to add to the unemployment and then make up for it once it’s over. And I can’t wait too much longer because I will show sooner than last time cause it isn’t my first pregnancy and who’s going to hire that? so a few things going on here. A few things being mulled around and worried about. I’m hanging in there, I’m happy within reason and hopeful. One day at a time.

shock and awe April 24, 2008

so I’m on CD 45. I didn’t even notice with all the craziness with my Aunt, Florida, visitors here and going back down there that it was even late until a few days ago.

I haven’t obsessed. Just took extra folic acid and laid off the caffeine I drink daily. I went to the bank today to deposit a check, CVS was next door. I bought a test. It was positive. fast and dark positive. 

now I obsess so I figure out how far along I was in Sept when I lost the baby, I was 6 weeks 5 days. I am 6 weeks 1 day today and as i am checking to see how far along I was in September on one of those calculators I see that the estimated due date for my last pregnancy was today. 4/24/2008. timing? wow.

We were not trying AT ALL. one of the days my parents were here Walker was his man self and wanted a quickie, lets just say he didn’t listen to me at a crucial moment. But I hadn’t kept track of my cycle since Feb. and I gotta say that was the ONLY slip up. One time? perfectly timed? after all that trying? (funny thing is last time I got pregnant my mother was visiting also, maybe she’s a fertility charm?)

I’m not sure how to process this. I shook, I had the fastest heartbeat ever, I nearly had a breathing attack, I cried.

I am not working. not the biggest problem anyone has ever had though. we live in a 2 bedroom apartment now not a 3 bedroom. It’s still doable. Can I make it to the 12 week mark and relax? The chances of another miscarriage for someone who got a clean bill of health are slim to none. but can I relax and try to remain positive?

I told my friend Cathy, and I will tell Walker tonight, and of course you guys on here, but MUM is the word until the first week in June, I’m being overly cautious and superstitious about the timing.

and I’m okay April 18, 2008

so here I am a week after my due date, which is technically 2 weeks after I would have had the scheduled c-section. I have no newborn to hold and care for and love. I have not forgotten them. I still carry them in my heart. I still love them more than they will ever know. (I use they in place of him or her because it was too soon to know). and I’m fully medicated, on an even keel, smiling, exercising, reading, enjoying Anders, counting my blessings. It’s not always easy but it is so much easier than it was last year and Jan of this year. I have Anders, I have Walker, I have our pain in the but dog, i have my health, good weather, BOTH my parents and brother quit smoking, as have I been sticking to the quitting. Life is good and I am okay. I am.

Sometimes I still feel robbed probably because I can’t just start to try again whenever i want and follow through, it has to be a planned (ha ha cause that always works out) plan from day 1 and right now it would be too much work, too much stress and too much damage. so I let it go. and I am okay. Everyday i say to myself, I’ll worry about it tomorrow. kinda like AA, one day at a time, always tomorrow so  don’t have to give up today.

The weather is lovely, better than lovely and I have been in the garden for days now. and I am okay.