ketchup (as in catch up) February 29, 2008

ok so here goes and I am sure I’ll forget something.

My Aunt in Florida- she is stable and home. The cancer will kill her before the end of summer but she is home, in good spirits and doing what she can with what she has left.

I lost my job on the 20th. Let’s face it my boss was an A hole anyway so it’s actually a good thing. It’s incredible how after the initial 5 minute shock (he had no basis at all, just said get the F out you’re fired with no provocation, I said. oh ok.) I felt such a calm wash over me, such a stress and negative vibe lifted off of my very damaged psyche.  I filed unemployment that day and yesterday got the initial paperwork with numbers. Between the unemployment and child support I get i will almost be bringing home what i did from work. Thank you A-hole boss for the lovely stress free vacation  

so this leads me to my parents visit March 28th. They will leave here to drive home to Florida April 4th, A has school break after that day, guess who’s going to Florida to visit their Aunt. I am. Thank you A-hole boss for the lovely sunny vacation and precious time with my Aunt :P

I have been on my meds 1 week, 1 day. I feel a slight difference and the only way I know I do is that I forgot to take them on 2 different occasions and the next day was shittier than when i did take them. So the hardest thing is to remember to take the med that will help me focus and remember?? duh ha ha. I put them on my night table with a bottled water, no more excuses.

My Dr. called the other day (his nurse did actually) My cells came back normal for my yearly pap. BUT i tested positive for HPV. um what??!! this happened to be a day after I forgot my meds, never changed out of my jammies and Walker had to make dinner. what a mess I’ve become. So I ask her what this means for me? Which strain? (there are only 30 out of 100 that are STD related) and that i know what it is from commercials but i need more info. She had no answers, nothing. So I spent all day feeling sorry for myself and kinda like a slut even tho i never have been. Then i got online and did research. Apparently it’s as common as the chicken pox or mono. almost 50% of the population has a strain of it and as long as it isn’t a bad strain, of which there is only 7 out of 100, it will go away within 2 years. It puts me at a higher risk for cervical cancer (have you met my cancer ridden family, wasn’t a shock) and …wait for it…a higher risk for miscarriage. hmmm interesting. so I just need to talk to my Dr. to ask which strain, and go back every 6 months for 2 years for a pap to keep an eye on it. whew…sigh of relief.

 Being out of work has been ok most days. I get to pick Anders up from school, relax, catch up on soaps, my guilty pleasure, and clean. Well now my house is spotless (and normally I hate cleaning, Walker does most of it and he’s so happy ha ha), I have what I’m making for dinner most nights prepared, marinated and whatever by 2pm the latest (also been watching food network A LOT). caught up on emails and reading, I’ve finished 2 books already.

this leads me to my next subject reading and my favorite author. Paulo Coehlo. He is wonderful. I can never get enough of him. You feel the message after every book. it kinda lifts the spirit. I’m not a very religious person, I’m spiritual but not religious. He is a Catholic and there is always some type of undertones in his books, but it’s subtle. I just finished “The Witch of Portobello”. LOVED IT. if you like a good book, sometimes based loosely on fact but mainly fiction, that is self help without the “self help” we usually see and can be spiritual go check him out. My other favorites were “Eleven Minutes”, “Veronika Decides To Die” and “The Alchemist”. I have 4 more of his to get a hold of and I hear he’s writing one right now.

and I am one of 3 girls planning a baby shower for my good friend, what?! me?? how is that possible after all I just went through? no clue but I’m excited actually. I’m the creative one of the group so I am in charge of games and the sort as well as some food and I helped find a great cheap place to have it. I am looking forward to this and glad I can be a part of it instead of feeling sad and bitter.

I haven’t been in my studio to paint one thing since I was fired (meanwhile I have 4 projects started). I want to I just haven’t done it. So I’ll find things to clean and dust, watch and read, cook and eat and when it’s time to paint I’ll know and I will go do it.

so there you have it, Anders favorite condiment, Ketchup (aka catch up).

Before & After February 14, 2008

This is me in June 2007 happy, blissful, naive, before my downward spiral. I never had long hair except maybe one other time in my life. I can remember my ex-husband tearing into me one day and saying “don’t you realize that you cut and dye you hair when you’re not happy, especially with yourself?”. I responded with~ I’m an artist, I like cosmetology (went to school for it for a while) I like change especially where hair is concerned, it’s just hair it grows back and it has nothing to do with me not being happy or not liking myself. Well I it took me nearly 2 years to grow that hair out and within 3 days of my m/c up to now, I have systematically chopped it all off. and inch or 3 at a time. Other than August up to now, I have been ridiculously happy and chipper and managed pretty damn well to handle everything thrown at me in stride, a nasty divorce, my nastier ex in laws, my parents moving to Florida, severing ties with my hurtful sister. Happy, long healthy hair, ok skin, great eating habits and exercise.

This is me this month, in the early days of this month. My skin has been terrible, my eating habits suck, I’ve been down, self critical, self loathing and very very moody, I’ve gained almost 10 lbs since September. and since September I have cut 8 to 10 inches of my hair off. He was right. I cut and dye my hair obsessively when I’m not happy with myself. Or when I’m in a depressive phase, on a whim maybe even the little bit manic for a day I just decide don’t tell anyone and CHOP IT ALL OFF….which is fine I can totally pull off short hair BUT i hate it. I do, it was great and easy for like 2 weeks and now I want my hair back…maybe I just want my happy back? same difference I think.

I have an appointment to go back on my meds on the 21st. the earliest they can fit a crazy bipolar who’s having a bad time in?? stupid people. and I have a therapist appointment on the 23rd. No more ttc could be 6 months, a year, forever, I’m not sure yet. I have to call my dermatologist as well because at the wonderful age of 30 my skin decides I had it too easy at 17 and got no pimples so I am paying for it now. it is SO bad, it’s painful and it’s abundant and it makes me feel horrible everyday. I started changing my diet already and throwing in some sit ups and things at home. I want to run but it is so shitty outside that I can’t…I can drop that 10lbs in 2 months but I have to run. I just keep telling myself, by the time you can run, spring will be here and your meds will have kicked in and life will be at the very least 50% better than it is now which is the only thing that keeps me from feeling worse and keeps me functioning. Winter is always worse for me than any other season with getting down, but I’ve always managed to keep above water before this year.

I’m down a lot, the sex drive is non existent, I’m snappy and weepy and probably such a pill to live with and I feel so bad for Anders & Walker for putting up with me. (enter irrational self loathing for being shitty to them brought on by bipolar). It’s a never ending cycle…for now…it will come to a screeching halt by March, the pills will see to that.

and..yes and…there’s more. My Aunt has lung cancer. through out both her lungs, tiny masses, and in one of them a mass the size of an orange. this is my father’s last sibling and together they buried 2 brothers and both their parents. this is devastating. she lives in Florida near my parents (one of the reasons they moved there was to be with her more often). I’m in NJ. this is devastating.

Thank you Mon, Basil, Julia, Rachel, Becky & silent lurkers for caring, reading, checking on me, posting, lurking it helps, it means a lot and it lets me know I’m not alone.

My tattoo guy (who’s a friend and fellow artist) is coming by on Saturday. I love self inflicted pain that ends in art, there is something so therapeutic about getting a tattoo. here’s the start of my 1/4 sleeve …I’ll post another after he’s done (it’s going to have vibrant cherry blossoms and some shaded Japanese clouds among the stars). I’m crazy I know. I have like 11 tattoos I love them. my skin is a canvas and on it I paint my life, each one comes with memories of a time or have a meaning because of something I’ve gone through…each one comes with letting go and healing. so Saturday will be the start of my journey in healing the broken parts of me that I felt I could ignore lately…

taking a break February 9, 2008

I’ll be back…but I can’t do this right now.