i hate bipolar January 17, 2008

this is a babble really but it must be written, even if it only sits in drafts and never gets posted.

I feel alone. I feel like my friends don’t understand, but it’s mainly because I don’t share with them the hell I have been living in since September. When I do bring something up I either get an overly optimistic pep talk or it kinda gets brushed aside. I start to tell Walker and he gets so upset he nearly cries and then he says he’s been upset and he blames himself for almost everything. So I stop sharing because I don’t want him to feel bad and blame himself for anything. and then I’m there again. alone. in my head with these thoughts. feeling alone, misunderstood, empty, angry, sad, stressed & broken. it’s a horrible feeling. like a bottomless pit. I’ve been in pits before, I’ve worked long and hard to pull myself out. Sometimes nearly giving up but fighting on. I finally have my life where I need and want it for the most part. but still here I am in the pit alone. again. I go to sleep thinking what if my body stays uncooperative? What if we never get the timing right? What if we do? will I be a basket case until I reach 12 weeks? I never worried with Anders beyond the Dr telling me a few times that the drinking I did within the first 2 weeks of his life were fine and won’t affect him. I never worried about loss never, it was so easy because I never had lost. Now I border between being obsessed with getting pregnant and wanting it so badly to wondering how bad it will be the first few weeks and how much worse I’ll get if I suffer another loss. I feel like I’m crazy sometimes. crazy and alone is definitely not a good mix for a bipolar, especially one who’s been off her meds for almost 3 years. BUT if I take them again I can not get pregnant in fact I have to go on birth control. catch 22? double edged sword? there is only one thing that will make all of this go away. and it seems to be that thing just out of my reach right now. lucky me.

this just in: (about 7 hours after I started the top part)

I’m thinking about going back on my crazy pills. (lamictal, the only thing that worked for me in the past)
after really talking to a couple people here I realized I’m still a mental basket case since Sept and it isn’t getting better. I’m just pushing it down and trying to band aid it by obsessing about getting pregnant again. meanwhile I’m ruining and damaging relationships a little with people I do have and I do love and I can hold all in pursuit of this imaginary baby that may or may never even exist for me.

so I’m calling my Dr. gonna have a few sessions, wait to see if I am pregnant (wouldn’t it be my luck as I decide to help myself out of this hole) if I’m not, back on the meds I’ll go for like 6 months to a year maybe longer.

some days I think I’m ok and I lie to myself and every one else and say I am. some days, like today nothing feels right or happy or not forced. I can’t make anyone else happy or take care of anyone else if I’m miserable and not taking care of myself…

I have to be weaned onto it 5mg at a time and it won’t work all it’s magic until it’s been in my system for at least 4 to 6 weeks, I forget if I was on 25mg or 50mg now. It’s been 2 or 3 years. I can not conceive while on it, and have to be off it for a few months before I try so it isn’t in my system anymore…so unless I’m pregnant right now I won’t be for quite some time. and if I feel better, happier, less crazy,less sad and down will I even want one anymore? only time will tell.

I hate bipolar.

an fyi on opk’s January 15, 2008

just saw this on a fertility site type place. I wasn’t looking for it just happened to see the question.

 Can I ovulate without ever seeing a positive OPK (Ovulation Prediction Kit) result?

Yes, it is possible to ovulate without ever seeing a positive OPK (or peak reading on your fertility monitor). OPKs are designed to detect the surge of luteinizing hormone in your urine. This is the last hormone to peak before ovulation and the hormone that is responsible for triggering the rupture of the ovarian sac. LH needs to surge in order for ovulation to occur, but in some cases, the pattern of your surge and the time you test (if you do not manage to capture the surge when you test) will not let you see a positive result. If you have a sharp LH surge, for example, you may take one test before your surge is detectable by your kit and another test when your LH has already begun to trail and is no longer detectable by the kit. Whether or not you see a positive OPK result, it is recommended to keep on having intercourse until ovulation is confirmed by a clear and sustained thermal shift and ovulation is detected on your chart.

so here’s my theory for today: I had the darkest line (not a confirmed positive) on CD 8 and then a fade out. Perhaps earlier that day or late the day before I had the surge, totally possible because you can ovulate 24 to 36 hours after. which would be CD day 11  or 12 if it’s late…so I just have to wait for my temps the next few days to see if my theory is right. this is such trial and error really ha ha  and I just noticed (TMI here again) watery CM…not EWCM yet but hey I may be on to something here….stay tuned for more musings from the ovulation detective….

opk’s are SO confusing! January 14, 2008

ok , a few months ago I ordered these internet test strips. The positive has to be as dark or darker than the control line otherwise they are negative. got it, no problem.

 Last month 4 days after my period (CD 9) there was a distinct line not faint at all but definitely lighter then the control strip and the follwing day lighter than that and then non existant the next day. So I wonder did I ovulate like 2 days after a/f and catch it coming down?? no clue, I figure screw it and stop using them after day 14. Then I think well let’s test this theory and use them like the 2nd day after my period next time.

So this is SO weird, I test CD day 8, 2 days after a/f is completely gone. a line, not as dark as the control line but not faint, this is Saturday, yesterday lighter than that and today, nothing. WTF?! is it even possible to ovulate the day of or after a/f? and if so that shoots the luteal phase to complete hell no?  it’s just weird and a little confusing.

It’s more of a “are these complete shit?” experiment to go along with temping, for my own piece of mind, something to keep me busy I love experiments ha ha. We always have some LH in our systems but why would it be noticeable right after a/f and then disappear? I’m gonna post this and perhaps update it the next few days with what I see on the next few strips. It’s quite amazing how it should be and how it actually is, laughable now that I think about it. sorry for the really blurry pic doesn’t really do it justice but I was in a hurry and my camera phone sucks. And I do realize it means I could have ovulated soon after the darkest line but it’s just weird how I’ve never had the same darkness or darker with these and how they seem to fade out.

My Mom~ Updated January 14, 2008

My Mom is having a hysterectomy today. Her iron is VERY low and her hemoglobin was at 6 when she went in. they bumped her surgery from 8:30 am to 10:30 or 11 and are giving her fluids and a transfusion first to help the numbers go up. She has had a history of fibroid cysts, usually they have no affect on her until recently, they’ve gotten bigger and she’s had 30+ day bleeds recently and a 2 to 4 days break in between. They believe this is the best solution and she’s on board. I’m still worried. She lives in Florida and I’m in NJ.

 I’m a realist, not a pessimist. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I checked flight prices already. But my Mantra for the day is: Everything will be fine, She will be here in March…repeat, repeat, repeat…

 please repeat my mantra and send some prayers just in case. Thank you.

**Update**I talked to my Mom this morning (1/15), she said she’s been up for a walk and has eaten. She sounded great, big relief. I feel better and can have a somewhat normal day now. Thanks for asking, praying and sending your thoughts, even if some of them were just invisible lurking thoughts with no post :p  ……I appreciate it nonetheless.

another one? really? January 10, 2008

so when I was pregnant in August I found out my friend Jamie was also pregnant, 3 weeks after  my m/c I found out my friend Di was pregnant. The lady I work with’s daughter is pregnant and due in March, and there are 2 other recent friend/acquantance pregnancies I’ve heard of recently. The lady i work with just got a call from her son who got married in October 2007…you guessed it they’re pregnant,  Add in Jamie Spears, Halle, J-Lo and Nicole Kidman and that’s insane. Anyone remember seeing a particular brand of water in their hands in the papparazzi photos?? ha ha ha

 I’m not mad, it’s cool, it’s also just insane and ironic sometimes. It does make me feel like they’re screwing my odds up, you know the one where the Dr says well 1 in 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage.  Irrational yes but a normal thought? of course!!

So here’s to turning the tables and calling this a surge in fertility instead of a decreasing of my odds. I laugh in the face of irony!! bring it on.

I should commit to doing more things- updated January 8, 2008

I should, but let’s see how well I actually do.

I have decided that at least once a week I will find a blog and read it in it’s entirety (now if said blog is years long I’m ok if it takes longer, but I read quickly).

I have decided I should blog more often. It seems i wait until I feel completely out of my mind, or sad, or frustrated or angry, I post 2 or 3 posts and then take a vacation.

I have also decided to try and stop putting sadness and frustration into obsessing about my cycle. Easier said than done but I know full well it stems from sadness, frustration and the loss I had in September. I know this because from February 2007 until then I was fine with not being obsessed even tho we were unofficially trying without trying. I didn’t over analyze every twinge and headache and mood for days and then get upset when I got a/f.  I said well let’s try again we have another month. and it really felt like no big deal. I’m 30 and if Holly Hunter can have twins at 47 then I shouldn’t be too worried about ttc within the next year or so.

 I should also add that I need to, um stop using food as therapy as well because i find myself upset when my clothes look and fit like crap, but don’t seem to care or even think about that fact when stuffing my face. but I won’t add it yet cause I’m not ready to, I know I’m not, I’m SO lazy. Mind you I’m kinda tiny as is, but I bought a size or two bigger a year ago and resigned to be ok not being sickly skinny like when I was 20 anymore, I am however not ready to move up another size again either. So for now I will remain in body image limbo/laziness besides it’s winter here and I won’t run when it’s freezing out anyway (see lazy).

 *update- This week I have read an entire blog already. I have also posted more this week and am thinking of a few posts for the near future.

I have started charting my BBT in hopes that once I nail down an actual ovulation or two or three in the upcoming months it will actually be less of a guessing game and less of an obsession cause I didn’t have ovulation pin pointed. I know some people can obsess about BBT but I’m mainly doing it to make sure I ovulate and see if it’s relatively the same time each month to ease my mind and make the 3 days before a/f less stressful. so far so good.

 I actually did some sit ups a few mornings this week and I have encorporated more vegetables and fruit into my otherwise dominated by carbs diet, I like to snack and it’s ready made (chips, pretzles, doritos) I have been chopping up the veggies and fruit at night to take to work as snacks, I still eat my carbs cause I love them, just less. and I have made dinner include 2 veggies instead of 1. (Walker has been working out and there is no way I’m gonna let him look hot and me dumpy, then I’ll never want to take my clothes off ha ha). so I haven’t committed to it but I’ve made a few changes. all that and it’s only thursday!! Happy Thursday everyone!!

Monica- email me your address so when I finish your piece of art I can mail it. I was thinking pencil/charcoal and I’ll mat it for you so it’s ready to frame if you like. if you prefer a painting instead let me know. for those of you who have NO IDEA what I’m talking about please see http://christyna.wordpress.com/2007/12/31/in-the-spirit-of-givingcome-and-get-it/     Monica is the only one that requested something so feel free to add a request! (look at me linking posts! ha ha)

the other obsession… January 7, 2008

Because I find myself immersed in a blog for hours because I must read the ENTIRE thing within a day or two once I find it I thought I should post about it.

I just wanted to be sure to thank all of you who blog for us to find and read. It really is a wonderful world that you can show up in the middle of and feel well less crazy and more understood, less nuts and more nuts at the same time. I have laughed, today I laughed out loud to almost tears (not kidding), I have cried, I have been horrified, I have been angry I have agreed and felt hope and loss. The best part about it is that I feel normal. No one else has been able to do this.

 so from the very bottom of my partly broken, partly hopeful, partly smiling heart…THANK YOU.  I truly appreciate each and every one of you.

it is time to put into words this awful obsession January 7, 2008

technically we had been not trying not to conceive since Feb of 2007. We threw precautions to the wind, but I wasn’t obsessed or checking my ovulation or anything or really even paying too much attention to when a/f would come, it was always about 29 days. When I got pregnant I actually thought we skipped the week I was supposed to ovulate cause I was turning 30 and the drinking would be aplenty (we celebrate all month when it’s our birthdays, no idea why, we figure we deserve it, so we try to go out once every weekend and it was summer.) Anyway about a week after my birthday I was like OMG I think I’m pregnant.

Since September and my miscarriage I have been obsessed in the worst way with my cycle length, symptoms that more often than not I created for myself hoping and obsessing too much, mind you i obsess really only 3 to 5 days a month before a/f is due.  But as most of you know that is enough to really stress you out and make you crazy. We didn’t really try hard the first 2 months just cause I was still feeling SO bad, but that didn’t stop me from hoping and obsessing anyway. I did it to myself. No one even really knows what I put myself through those few days a month.

What I learned, it took 3 full cycles to get back to a normal 28/29 day cycle. it was anywhere from 27 days to 35 days.  I think I ovulate a few days earlier than “they say” I should. and I need to relax and stop obsessing. How exactly do I do that?? I take a prenatal vitamin with extra calcium and iron as well as a folic acid supplement since September. My Dr. said just start now and go right on through it will only make you healthier and ready to conceive and won’t hurt. Well some days I’m all for eating healthy and taking them, and others I get cranky and say why the hell am I bothering? I’m only going to be disappointed again anyway and I have 3 cups of coffee and skip the pills.  Meanwhile I get a/f and chastise myself like coffee and skipping the pills is the culprit.

I even sound nuts to me now ha ha. oh well I had to get it out. write it down, admit it all. If it’s not such a private obsession maybe I’ll relax a little, or maybe see that it’s actually somewhat normal and relax too?

So I want to try hard this month, without “feeling like I’m trying hard” and obsess just a tiny bit less. Anyone have suggestions, or feel the same, or finally let it go after feeling the same and relaxed? I’m all ears.

(p.s.- monica remember Anders birthday request? if I were to let’s say get pregnant this month it would be 30 days before his b-day, next month it would be his b-day, nothing like a little pressure huh? ha ha see told you I’m obsessed, maybe I should have someone smack me?)

did you ever? January 6, 2008

ok, did you ever find yourself about to have a mood coming on? Did you ever warn your significant other it was coming?

Did you ever know that anything said or done during this mood was absolutely going to escalate if said significant other didn’t heed your warning?

 That has been my past 2 days. Don’t you love when you tell someone you know you’re getting pissy, moody, cranky and stupid comments that could escalate into arguments should be avoided at all costs and they make comments, act like an asshat, or mumble things within earshot?? then they get mad at you and give YOU the silent treatment? WTF?!?! seriously I could smack him in his stupid little face this morning I really could. Lazy shit who gets to go off whenever to do whatever he wants is fighting with me who’s been stuck home alone for like 3 weekends?!?! really? ok thanks for letting me get that out, now perhaps instead of actually smacking him I’ll just imagine doing it.